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1 of 1- Leslie77
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What was your worst aftereffect?
I woke up, too early, this morning, and once again, started a rehash of the last three years of my life, In that harrowing time, my husband slowly revealed that he had a female personality and wanted to live an alternative lifestyle. And I had to endure questioning his sexuality (denies he's gay but there's red flags all over), incompetent mental health counselors, not having anyone at all to talk to, and finally our separation and divorce.
One of my thoughts was - what was the worst outcome of the whole experience? Ticking off a number of horrid memories, as well as my lifestyle that was totally devastated at a time when I should be enjoying my retirement, I arrived at the conclusion that for me, it was the loss of trust. The person I loved with all my heart and never thought would betray me was lying, sneaking around, and leading a secret life. And it was a secret life that he had known about and suppressed for many years (he lied about that, too.) And now I feel like I can't trust anyone and I question anything nice that anyone does for me and wonder what their ulterior motive is.
What was your worst aftereffect?
- Rob
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Re: What was your worst aftereffect?
....probably not as confident and carefree as I was...
We can't expect to go through this and be exactly the same. As the trauma dissipates I get back a little bit of courage and trust in myself each day.
I say sure look back at what was lost..notice how you got here, but always look forward..notice what you have gained. For me my loss of anything..money, confidence etc is far outweighed by the priceless gift of being away from my horrible abuser.
Last edited by Rob (July 23, 2020 6:50 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: What was your worst aftereffect?
Trust was a big one for me, too. Trust in others, in myself, in reality, and in my ability to perceive reality.
Also loss of self-confidence. I had such a hard time believing that I could live with my husband for 32 years, and know him longer than that, and have no idea of this aspect of him, and I ended up doubting my ability to assess reality. Because I also tried so hard to "accommodate" my husband's trans identity, I ended up talking myself into believing some things about myself and my actions that I later realized were me pulling the wool over my own eyes, I began to doubt my ability to see anything clearly.
Like Rob, though, I think it's important to look at the experience and see not only what was the hardest thing, but what was a good realization. For me that is that I had an inner strength and compass that enabled me to get through it, and something self-protective inside that enabled me to get away despite all my fears.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 23, 2020 10:59 am)
- phoenix
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Re: What was your worst aftereffect?
OutofHisCloset wrote:
For me that is that I had an inner strength and compass that enabled me to get through it, and something self-protective inside that enabled me to get away despite all my fears.
This!!!
I learned to trust myself. I learned that I could live a happy and comfortable life on my own. That meant that I wasn't so reliant and dependent upon another person and that it wouldn't be so catastrophic if someone broke my trust in the future. This allowed me to open up and start trusting again. I found someone who I could trust completely and have no fears about.. but this wouldn't have been possible until I learned to trust myself.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- SusanneH
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Re: What was your worst aftereffect?
TRUST is the worst aftereffect I have right now. Last night was an example of that. Yet another all evening "argument"/hot discussion. I don't search my husband's devices like I used to, but yesterday I was checking out his new desktop computer and it has a text box in the dock, which was new, so I looked at it (I see his texts all the time anyway- he's totaly aware of it. All devices are open for me to see) and one popped out at me that just said :
(other person): "Can I call you later?" Husband: "Yes".
So, I went & checked AT&T records *he had his phone with him and I couldn't look there*, and saw that my husband called the number back right away & only 1 minute, so probably didn't reach anyone. It's not unusual for him to get texts from people he doesn't know as it's a business phone and people call for bids for him to give. So, when I asked (it was back 6/26, almost a month ago) and got the standard answer "I don't remember".....welll, I heard that SO many times when I was searching before disclosure and KNEW there was something there (did find things, and one he couldn't lie his way out of, which led to the 1st disclosure) that I then told him all the circumstances: it was strange for someone to text to ask if they could call later for a bid?????...... and, when i looked it up on Spokeo, there was a FB name & when I looked it up it was a gay guy *about half husband's age, but still too much a coincidence for me. But, when I told him all of that and asked if he then remembered, he got angry and defensive. That did it! It's exactly the way he acted when he was lying. If he had remained calm and insisted he didn't know, I would have believed him. He's been honest with me over a year now, but the defensiveness just did it for me! so, the arguing was on. He got upset with me for 'not believing him' after all this time. I explained that after he lied to me for 1 1/2 years looking me straight in the face took a toll and is VERY hard to get over, and I can't just always believe everything he says right away. It just made him angrier, and he had to leave for an AA meeting, so we didn't 'finish'..... left it hanging, and I can't stand that.
So, I typed up what I had wanted to say, and also wrote that if he had stayed calm I would have believed him sooner ....well, 'sooner' was on the last line....
When he was through, asked if he understood now, and he said "Yeah, you don't believe me"..........WTF????
So, he saw the last sentence, but failed to see the last WORD... I was beside myself. I worked really hard to get that written because he continues to interrupt me when these things happen (we both to, and are working on it), so I even said in it that i was doing it to say what I wanted without interruption. After all that, the ONLY thing he got out of it was that last sentence without the end... HE ONLY SEES/HEARS THE NEGATIVE a lot of the time..oh, and ONLY REMEMBERS it, too. He doesn't remember all the positive things I say. I know this started on trust, but these arguments/hot discussions are the main thing keeping us stuck right now, and this one started with trust...
Last edited by SusanneH (July 24, 2020 4:20 pm)