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June 30, 2020 8:37 pm  #1

Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

Firstly, I am so relieved I have found this forum.  This topic is something I have only spoken about with 1 close friend and 1 family member and I feel like I need others to share my experience with.  It feels like a lonely world at times.   
Me and my partner have been together for 8.5 years and we have two children who are 4 and 6 years old.  When we first got together I had recently left a previous relationships with a guy who was a bit of a sex maniac...he would have had sex three times a day if I had wanted it.  It sometimes got a bit too much so meeting my partner now, the one I think is gay, was a relief that I could really engage emotionally with someone and it not be about sex.  Therefore, I never really noticed that we didn't have it.  When we decided to try for our first child and I didn't get pregnant I realised it was because we didn't actually have any sex...yeah, that won't work, lol.  I confronted him about the issue and said that we didn't need to have a child if he wasn't ready...he said he was and that night we had sex.  It was interesting to say the least...it didn't last long and it wasn't intimate at all, as was the case with the sex previously.  I made the decision this wasn't going to work and made plans to go back on my contraception BUT I fell pregnant.  That was it for sex for 1.5 years, then the exact same thing happened with our second child, one quickie = pregnant me.  That was it then for 3 years.  No sex, no intimacy, nothing.  
Now, we lead very busy lives.  I am a very active person and don't stop and keep busy as much as I can so I tried not to think about the lack of sex.  He is the complete opposite and would sit down all day if he could get away with it and never go anywhere.  He is a lovely person though, one of those people that everyone likes and never has a bad word to say about.  I also have to say a very hands on and amazing father.  It has only been the last few months, mainly due to Covid lockdown slowing life down, that I have realised I live with a best friend not a partner.  He has no interest in sex, he has never given me oral sex in 8.5 years.  He doesn't touch my breasts.  I don't mean to sound arrogant but I take care of myself, I go to the gym every day and have bounced back from my babies quite well and do get attention from other guys.  I can wear sexy underwear and he doesn't seem to notice.  He never tells me I look pretty and never gets jealous of other guys.  He struggles when we have had sexual encounters with getting / keeping an erection.  The other night whilst trying to spice things up I gave him oral sex and whilst I was doing it he just shrank - so embarrassing - this is after it took me 10 minutes to get him hard in the first place using my hands.  He never reassured me or told me it wasn't me he just rolled over away from me.  I told him I wouldn't be doing that again and he just said OK.   
I have been reading up on the signs to look for and alot of them mention watching porn.  I honestly do not think he is looking at porn BUT he is a real tech wiz and would know how to hide stuff.  He doesn't go out anywhere other than work so I honestly do not think he is cheating.  We have recently moved to a different country and he doesn't really know people outside of work here as yet so I haven't had any feedback from others about any behaviour.  The things I do know are he is very animated when he talks about men he works with and knows but hardly ever mentions women.  Also, we live in a seaside town and there are alot of very good looking women walking around with not much on that even make me turn my head and he never so much as glances towards them.  Something else I find interesting is that his family are very very traditional and do not believe in relationships of the same sex and are very outspoken about it so I can only imagine how scared he may be about coming out knowing that they would probably want to remove him from the family.  
The friend and family member I have recently opened up to have both said they aren't surprised I think he might be gay as they have had suspicions from his behaviour sometimes.  I have also been reading up about asexual people and wonder if he may just be asexual.  I have sat with him and spoken calmly multiple times asking if he is gay and he promises he isn't gay but I am just not convinced in his answer.  I do not know whether to keep pushing it or to drop it.
I applied for relationship counselling last week but I doubt he will say much but I will give it a try.  
I feel so alone.  I am 12,000 miles away from my family and close friends and am trying to build a life in a new country with two very young children.  To make matters worse, I am not working at the moment so I am relying on my partner to support us and we are building a house from scratch which won't be finished until March 2021.  I worry what will happen, even if we split amicably.  I want to remain here in this country and he says he does too but I worry how it will work.  I feel like I should forget sex and just get on with living with my best friend.  Am I expecting too much?  Do I just need to forget intimacy?  I feel so ready for sex though I worry I will cheat, I am desperate for physical attention, I am only in my mid 30s and don't want my sex life to be over yet.  I wonder if an open relationship would work but I don't think I am strong enough mentally to deal with that.  Whenever I mention leaving he looks so sad behind the eyes and I hate hurting him as he is so nice.  When I ask him if he is happy he says he is and I am sure he thinks I am unreasonable for wanting sex.  
Thank you for letting me open up. 


June 30, 2020 11:24 pm  #2

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

One of the hardest things about my own experience was the feeling that something was 'off' or 'wrong' and that information was being withheld from me. I knew right from the start, really, but I was lied to and I trusted someone I shouldn't have instead of my own intuition. I paid for that trust with lost time I could have spent finding someone who could actually reciprocate my feelings and a broken heart for my trouble...most likely for a second time. I am too afraid to try again and am at the point where I am unlikely to have a family of my own. I regret the time I spent giving of myself to someone who could never return my feelings and who was too selfish and enjoyed my attention too much to tell me the truth.

Your spouse may be someone generally well-meaning who made a terrible mistake he can't own up to or he may be selfish and hiding his true self. However, you are the one suffering the disconnect between what he's saying and what he's doing (or not doing as it appears in your case). Bottom line is that you have to decide if it's acceptable to you or not. Whatever his orientation.

You may or may not ever get confirmation. He doesn't seem like he's communicating about this with you in any constructive way. He may be 'nice'. Mine certainly was. But it was a false front. There's nothing kind about lying to someone about having feelings for them. I would have felt the same if he was straight and playing with my feelings. You are ultimately the one who has to decide what you can live with or live without. And if you feel you can live with that choice in the future. I'm sorry. This stuff really is wrenching. Build your support regardless and post when you need to. Having an outlet really helps.


July 1, 2020 2:31 am  #3

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

Wanting sex in a relationship isn’t asking too much... it’s what romantic relationships are built on, along with love and sharing of your lives. There’s something he’s not sharing, and it’s not super loving of him to not fulfill your sexual needs.
Write out a list of all of your needs in a relationship  (and yes, sex is a need for lots of people.) Then Write out your wants. Like: I want a partner who likes to garden like I do, but it’s not a deal breaker.
Nothing you want or need is unreasonable. What is unreasonable is him expecting you to sacrifice your needs and desires and not even have a conversation as to why he won’t fulfill you.

I was thinking... we often refer to our possibly gay spouses/partners as just best friends... but, I want my best friends to be happy and fulfilled in their relationships. I get so sad when I hear about friends stuck in unfulfilling or emotionally abusive relationships. He’s not really being a best friend to you, is he? He’s making you live in uncertainty and loneliness because it’s convenient for him.


July 3, 2020 12:02 pm  #4

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

There's one thing I think I've learned from the time I've been reading and posting on this forum.

When it comes to these sexual issues, if he's not interested in making it get better, it means it's going to get worse.  He's already done the most he's capable of doing in terms of functioning in a hetero relationship.  His determination will weaken with age.


July 19, 2020 10:31 am  #5

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

This is probably a really stupid question, but I am in a sexless marriage with a man who occasionally (and always secretly) seeks out male/male with female observing relationships.  He does not know I know this.
Does this mean that he is gay?  He goes on Craigslist to find local couples looking for a male partner to play.
Any advice? 


July 19, 2020 3:44 pm  #6

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

Hello Jasmin,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you find yourself here. None of us ever planned to have to come to this type of forum. Please read through the First Aid Kit at this link: https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217  This will give you support when you discover your spouse is LGBT.

To answer your question, I would guess your husband is gay given what you've written. I can say with 100% certainty your husband is not straight. The next step depends on what you want to do.  If this is not what you want in a husband, consult family law attorneys for your options.

You may want to pose your question in your own post. You'll get more answers that way.

Take care of yourself and please post as needed!

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

July 19, 2020 4:02 pm  #7

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

Thanks for replying to my Is My Husband Gay? question.  It helped.  But I don't quite know how to "Post my own post" in order to get more replies.  I am new to this forum.  Can you help me with that technicality?  Many thanks.  Jasmin


July 19, 2020 4:48 pm  #8

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

MJM means start your own thread rather than replying to someone else's. 
Here's how: Once you log in, click on the "support" section.  The list of threads under "support" will appear.  Up above that, at the right side of the page, will be a button that says (something like) "new topic."  Click that.  Then you'll bet your own thread to post on.  


July 20, 2020 7:03 pm  #9

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

Thank you so much for your support everyone...apologies for the late reply, sometimes I just can't face or deal with it all and coming on here brings it all to the surface and I keep away for a while.  I always come back.
I have recently opened up to another family member and her best friend who I trust about my partners behaviour.  I literally just said that we were having problems...I didn't get any further when the best friend said "has he come out as gay?!"  I couldn't believe it, it feels like others can see it but not me. 

     Thread Starter

July 23, 2020 12:23 pm  #10

Re: Confident he is gay but he won't admit it...not sure what to do

 I hope that I am in the correct group to ask this question. I found a penis pump last fall in his closet. He said that we would try it sometime at his vacation home. We haven't. What is a penis pump and would it be used by a gay man or a straight man ? Any answers are appreciated.


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