sorry to hear it Twisting.   Hope you get a nice day soon.

all the best, Lily

The irony of this situation is beyond words.  Seems that I make my X so miserable that he MUST go find a man? to stick his dick up his ass to make everything all right?  Or, if that doesn't work he MUST find a man? and suck him off to make himself whole?  Who wrote this stinking pile of shit and is trying to pass it off as real life?????  If this isn't some crazy crap then I really don't know what is???

Last edited by TwistingInTheWind (July 9, 2020 8:50 am)

Hey friends! It's been a long time between drinks as they say. I've missed this forum and the many constructive interactions I've had here. So if any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to ask. While I'm not a mental health expert, I can hopefully provide some insight into the closeted gay husband's mind, mindset and (sadly) manipulations. 

Thank you for writing Virion. In response to your post/questions: 

1. I read your whole blog and it has been  a lifesaving eye opener for me. 

Glad to have been of help although I'm very sorry you've found yourself here. 

2. My husband came out as homosexual in March after depressive breakdown says he knew his whole life but managed 2 marriages and 4 children in 30 years. Anyway l wasn't too horrified as he had drip fed me the I was bisexual briefly in my youth but not now line for a few years.

It's quite rare for a husband to come out of the closet and many gay husbands continue to lie and deny their true sexuality. Based on my time here, it seems to be quite common that gay husbands grudgingly admit to being bisexual as part of their full coming out journeys. This often happens when his wife has overwhelming proof - such as emails, Grindr messages, web histories, and the like - proving he's had sex with men. 

3. He had erectile problems which escalated before D day he said was medication related but was obviously me!

Blame shifting...common among closeted husbands and narcissists. 

4. So we went for very brief therapy after disclosure. He refused to continue because he wasn't peace with his identity he said and he would support me in my therapy.

All of us have tried couples' therapy and it rarely resolves the true problem: the husband's homosexuality. 

5. We had honeymoon period of him being full of joy at being honest with family and friends (who are horrified) and him renewing his commitment to me monogamously. Then came a resolution to his erectile difficulties and a new found confidence in himself.

Got it. A honeymoon phase after challenging a gay husband is common. But the closeted husband can only tread water for so long. 

6. Recently again though he has started acting strangely...becoming very critical and cold to me...I asked him straight up if he is having an affair to which he replied No just that he is feeling so much better because the gay side of him is completely gone! CAN THIS HAPPEN POST DISCLOSURE SEAN? 

I'd recommend you discuss all of this with a qualified therapist, preferably a therapist who has experience with LGBTQ issues and/or narcissistic personality disorder. Based on my own experience and also based on endless testimonials from former conversion therapy pastors who are now out of their own closets, I don't believe men can pray or will the gay away. So no I don't believe he has suddenly turned into a straight man. 

7.  He also became very angry last night when l told him infidelity would be a deal breaker in our marriage. Today after picking on me constantly he told me that if l didn't like his moods l could leave!
IS HE GASLIGHTING ME TO HIDE AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

What a pr*ck. Good for you on setting boundaries and for being laser focused on the real issue: infidelity. Clearly you hit a nerve. Once a closeted husband has (finally) admitted a sexual history with men, it's only a matter of time before he inevitably suggests an open relationship. So the straight spouse should be prepared for the "I just need to have my needs met" talk. As I've shared in previous posts, many gay-in-denial husbands are emotionally straight and yet sexually gay. This means they see their attraction to men in a purely sexual, and almost transactional, light. I personally believe that some men are emotionally straight, sometimes because of their faith or simply because they were raised in an era when being gay was considered morally wrong.  This means they believe real marriage and true love means husband, wife, and children. 

When a closeted husband is confronted with overwhelming proof of male-on-male sexual activity, the emotionally straight man will often seek to minimize the homosexual behaviour to save his straight identity. And that minimization sounds like: 

- It happened once. 
- I could never see myself in a relationship with a man. 
- It was just sex. 
- I was sexually abused. 
- It was only a blowjob

and so on. While I'm not a mental health professional, you clearly pulled the rug out from under your husband which likely resulted in his angry outburst. If he's anything like me, he might also be trying to provoke you into separation/divorce by acting like a complete *sshole. 

My advice: focus on you rather than his pyrotechnics. I'd urge you to stay in therapy, keep posting here, share everything with friends/family who cannot be influenced by your troubled husband, and perhaps get into contact with the SSN to find other straight spouses who have survived and thrived. With regards to your husband, focus on his actions rather than words. If post-honeymoon (when he'll try for a time to breed like a rabbit to prove he's straight), your  marriage remains sexless and you still don't feel safe, loved and desired, perhaps it's time to start moving on. If however you are having sex with your husband, please get tested for STIs and always use condoms. You don't want to catch anything as most GIDHs are still cheating. 

I hope I've answered your questions. If not, feel free to write again. Be well!   

Last edited by Sean (October 26, 2020 1:38 pm)

Thank you for posting Figstrong. In reply: 

1. Sean, I have a similar situation where I have been married for 24 years, 2 kids, cheated on my in 2017 with a man, and then three times this summer with a guy.

I'm sorry you and your children have found yourselves in this situation my friend. Clearly your husband is gay. 

2. Got caught in August by my oldest daughter where he said he has been gay forever, said he had to figure himself out in September, October said he is bi but does not want a relationship with a man and is attracted to me and is still in love with me.

I'm sorry your daughter had to go through this. Your story seems to fit the "emotionally straight but sexually" gay narrative. He claims to love you and perhaps believes his love is enough to sustain a marriage. I say bullsh*t. I believe that love is built upon the foundations of honesty, fidelity, and intimacy. If he can't give you what you need, then perhaps it's time to consider moving on.  

3. Oct I also found platinum poppers in his work bag and he said it was for masturbating. I told him to get out if he was doing drugs. 

For those who don't know, poppers are nasal inhalant drugs often used in the gay community...particularly in gay pick-up culture. They're just a trumped up version of airplane glue. Poppers are most often used by gay bottoms, or the man who is penetrated, because they're believed to relax the muscles making anal sex less painful. Too much information?   

4. He is narcissistic  and I  think he is lying to me because he does not want to lose the kids. I have heard very few of these relationships can continue.

You're certainly dealing with a lot my friend: a gay husband; cheating; narcissism; and now drugs. I now live by the motto, "Never get into a swimming pool with a drowning man." And I do believe your husband is drowning. I have the following suggestions: first, focus on yourself, your children, and your safety; second, if you're still having sex with your husband, practice safe sex and get regularly tested for STIs; third, keep sharing here and share your story with trusted friends/family to get support. And finally, you should start a trial separation and at the same time consult with a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. 

I hope that helps my friend. Good luck.