Hi Virion,

from what you wrote, I think it can go in all kind of directions.
Good thing is that he's not in denial anymore, abandoned the "bi excuse", evidently much more to the gay side.
Well there it is, at least some truth and openness. On itself a good thing!

Now you and he have to determine what you both really want. Love and choice is at the center of this.

while he promises and "hopes" that he will feel no more urges towards men, we are to work on our marriage and stay together etc

Of course he will sometimes feel urges, what does he think???  He'll have to cope with his sexuality, so do we all. If it's more complicated for him, that's still what it is. He has to decide and know what is the base from which to deal with it. That is not about suppressing his sexual orientation, but because he very well knows what his priority is (you!).

And that's the actual choice! So he has to understand that he's not choosing between straight or gay. No, his choice is for a person. And precisely that should be his certainty, not a well-meant intention. I do hope you (and he) get this, it's not about choosing sexual orientation (that's impossible), it's about choosing a person (and that's out of love).

The way you describe it actually sounds to me a bit like he hopes his sexual attractions towards men will diminish. Well, that won't happen. That's his sexual orientation, no chance that will change. It's important to accept that, and there's actually no need to make a problem about it.

He seems to be motivated to go for the marriage with you. He should consider very well when he chooses that and what the unavoidable consequences of that choice are. For if he doesn't really decide for himself what he wants, it will become a growing struggle against himself, and sooner or later his power to resist will fail, or (after some time) he'll experience the relation as something that's just keeping him from what he actually wants, with resentment towards you as a consequence.

That is surely not the goal of your MOM. A MOM is not a prison. It should be a place where you both feel fully accepted, become happy and celebrate what you have with each other. This won't be something that falls into your lap, both have to work hard to get there. Talking, learning, overcome sexual disappointment and frustration. Find constructive ways to deal with it (this is also a challenge for you, can you accept him as he is?) Is it what you both want, do you want to choose each other in spite of the trials and tribulations it will bring upon you? 
I'm pretty sure that only real love is determined enough to see you through. That's not just a feeling, but with a well considered act of will behind it.

He says he came to that decision as he is still in love with me and cant bear that I may meet someone else  and it would "kill" him to lose everything and our home just for gay sex. He also says he cant bear the thought of another man touching me so he must therefore be Bisexual only 

Hmm, mixed signals. You have to be sure he loves you. Loves YOU as the person that he values above all. In my opinion this is absolutely and totally decisive, and you know the best whether he does.
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My question is from the experience of others can I invest emotionally in him again in regard to him staying faithful to me or is it inevitable he will seek out men company as time goes on just for the record I believe he is gay

This is an impossible question to answer. I'm quite sure a MOM can succeed, also between a straight and a gay/lesbian.
Your role as straight spouse is important in and through all of this. But it very much depends on his character, the person he is and the love he has for you. 

If you go on that path together (emphasis on together), it can become wonderful. But it's never an easy ride.

I still can't stop grieving for him and my perception of what our marriage was, I think he is lying to himself

Good starting point there, make sure he's not lying to himself.
Acceptance is key, he has to accept himself as he is. Next thing: You have to accept him as he is. Next thing: he has to accept you as you are.

"OutofhisCloset" wrote:

You are posting your story in the area of the forum where only people who think an MOM will answer you.

I don't like the way you characterize this part of the forum. 
And maybe you don't read or understand my, and others, writings very well. Either way I object to your remark.
So don't flush it away by sticking an unjust label on it.

You're free to disagree with the motivations and arguments of people who go for a MOM, but misrepresenting the essence and intentions they convey surely isn't the way to go. 

FYI. I never press someone to go for a MOM as the 'only viable option'. It's rather about describing the conditions like real love, commitment, will power, making real considered choices (among others). Aspects that in my opinion (and experience) are necessary to successfully pursue a MOM. And even when all conditions are fulfilled it's still a hell of a job.
People can determine for themselves what their own situation is and what their spouse is really about. Do they want to go for it? Does their spouse really want the same? They can and have to think themselves, make their own choices based on their actual situation and persons they are. 

I'm trying to describe some rationale to make considered decisions. People have to think and evaluate for themselves, not blindly following contemporary culture nor generalized dread stories. Every gay/bi/lesbian spouse is a person with his/hers own personality and not like some predictable accident waiting to happen in a MOM.  

But if it doesn't work out, divorce is probably the best option. So no, a MOM isn't the only and mandatory goal whatever the consequences, also not in this part of the forum.

Well, Dutchman, I don't much care what you think.  This part of the forum was created when Ellexoh complained that the rest of the forum was "too negative" for her, and she wanted her own section where those who promised only success stories and advice would post.  I found it ironic that later others called her out for posting things they considered "too negative," during the times she was considering leaving!
  I along with others thought establishing this part of the forum was a mistake; for my part I thought it was a mistake because a great many of us arrive here with the hope of salvaging our marriages, and if we don't hear from those who have been where we have and now understand that this hope can be part of the process of coming to terms with what we've been presented with we can be ill-served.  I want everyone to have the full panoply of responses.  So when people come here and it seems to me from what they say that they are asking for more than what they will hear here, I tell them that if they post to the "support" section they will get the full spectrum of responses.  
 
  Edited to add: And the responses to Virion's posting her query here in the Support section are a case in point.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 1, 2020 6:44 am)