Hello Virion, 

Sorry you are going through all of this.  

I had a similar experience.  Husband of 10 years revealed he had gender identity and other issues.  Was angry and depressed.  After much heartache, we decided to split.  Immediately thereafter, he said it was all a big mistake and he wanted me back.  

I've read through many posts since I joined this forum 6 months ago when my world was being torn apart.  It seems like the gay spouse's "buyer's remorse" is not an uncommon scenario.  

Not to be mean, but from what you wrote I am interpreting that your husband is selfish.  It sounds to me that he wants his cake and eat it too - being gay and in a "happy" marriage.  He is losing patience with your reluctance to "move on"?  Move on to what?  

If he says he's gay, he is.  So many of the spouses/partners here are in denial.  Do you want to be married to a gay husband?  Do you want to have a second-rate sex life for the rest of your life?   How are you going to feel 10, 20, 30 years down the road?  

You asked if there was hope that your husband would be able to stay committed to a monogamous marriage to you.  That's a question that only he can answer.  You didn't write anywhere in your post that he told you that.  

I feel for what you are going through.  It is a terrible situation and a long journey.  

Hi Virion,

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.  The pain of it all comes through clearly in your writing.

I think the fact that your husband has bipolar disorder adds a layer of difficulty.  I know everything about how it feels to have a husband in the closet who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to have his wife live in the closet too, regardless of her own feelings.  But, my very limited experience with bipolar disorder (husband's best friend) leads me to believe that you are going to be way out of your element dealing with it all.  The very mechanism in your husband's personality that should constrain his behavior to "fair" and "unfair" standards, is twisted and broken.

In a recent heart-to-heart with my daughter, I'd confided to her that a recent incident in which my husband unleashed his pent-up rage at her, which we now understand could not ever have been her actual fault, was identical to an incident when he let loose on me ... when she was less than a year old (she's now 24).  She responded that if I'd left the marriage when she was that age ... maybe she'd be upset, in childhood, that her "family" had broken up, but in the long run it might have been better for her to see me married to a husband who was capable of being a complete husband to me -- not merely sexually, but emotionally and intellectually as well.  

You ended your post with a question that you would only ask if you already suspected you knew the answer.

Last edited by walkbymyself (June 30, 2020 9:30 am)

OOHC, your description of your father's situation is so identical to my husband's best friend, I could cut and paste it and the only thing I'd have to change might be the age he was when he committed suicide.  There was extreme impulsivity and compulsive risk-taking, including gambling, sex, and living way beyond his means.  

I also agree with you on Virion's husband's emotional blackmail -- that's a big warning flag, heartbreakingly common.  We're so acclimated to believe that suicidal iterations are "cries for help" that sometimes we forget they can also be subtle attempts at manipulation.  

Oh Virion, I read your post about being forced into speaking your husband’s gay fantasies out loud in order to get him just halfway aroused and I got furious. I know all too well what that’s like. It started 8 years ago, after I had a gross, horrifying nightmare of a man being with us for sex and told my husband about it... only to have him over-the-moon ecstatically passionately acting in love with me. We’d been married 12 years, and I was 39 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. I’d never seen that level of passion from him about ANYTHING before. He destroyed my heart, all day kissing me and jumping up and down like a little girl and calling me the “woman of his dreams.” Previous to that I’d been soooo freaking lonely and neglected and isolated, raising babies and farming while he was gone most of every week. I was so desperate for love.  I couldn’t leave, I had to go through with the home birth we’d planned and paid for, and I had no place I could go, anyways.

So that was the beginning of a horrible time. Once he had shown me the level of attention and “love” he was capable of, I kept trying to get him to “love me” again... but he wouldn’t get excited with the same fantasy for long. The out loud fantasies would always have to get a little dirtier, a little more disgusting for me.

First he had just used me as someone to “confess” his desires to (shame seems to turn him on) and then he would push for more more more until finally he got to the point where he couldn’t finish with me unless he was touching himself, eyes closed, and having me tell him about a circle of men around him.... to which he “generously” told me I “could be in the circle too.” Bleh gross, no thank you. He acted like I’m some sort of obligatory afterthought to include in his nasty fetishes. It’s gotten to the point that cleaning a toilet is more pleasant for me than struggling through some semblance of sex with him. I haven’t tried for half a year, and will never try again. It makes me feel horribly unwanted and gross.

He never cared (or never noticed?) that I always cried after sex. He kept pushing. He never gave love unless it was as a reward for me going further down the slippery slope towards his real goals. If I would keep using the same fantasy he withdrew his affection again. He totally compromised me. He used and abused my mind, heart, body, soul.... he got me to do despicable things. He destroyed our monogamy, he destroyed our marriage.
He would be furious with me when I would make a wrong move... if I did something I wanted (which was to make friends and have caring connections with people in my life) or if I didn’t do something he wanted (have sex with strangers without condoms or birth control😭😱) he would threaten me or my friends, curse at me, yell, cry, threaten to drive off the cliff where he proposed to me, or get drunk and block me in the bathroom for hours making me hold his head to prevent him from bashing it on the floor... he basically wanted to use me as a human sex prop and any time he couldn’t control me like a puppet he would severely emotionally abuse me.

This was ALL in the context of him being a “very nice guy.” Someone I had devoted my life to making happy. If you met him, you’d like him. If you had met me back then, my obvious devotion to him made him seem even more likable. I truly tried everything I could to make him happy, but in the end, it was all worthless to him and harmful for me.

He now has decided that the whole lifestyle was just something he wanted to try and no longer likes. After destroying our marriage completely, he wants to pretend that everything is fine and normal. But he already showed me what he cares about most. He can’t gaslight me and backtrack and say he wouldn’t lose me for the world, because he didn’t care about me all those hundreds of nights I cried myself to sleep. He already willingly gave me up, so I’m not going to betray myself anymore by sacrificing myself for him.


In the old days, pre-disclosure, he was depressed, anxious, and had started getting angry, breaking things etc. He said he hated his male parts and wished he could cut them off because they only caused him trouble... I didn’t understand back then. It was incredibly frustrating for him to live as a straight man, and incredibly damaging for me. My self esteem was so bad that when my friend told me I’m beautiful, I literally heard static instead of her voice. I was absolutely convinced I was nauseatingly gross, because I always got that vibe from my husband... I was convinced I wasn’t enough because he had to fantasize about other people to try to have sex with me.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

One Day At a Time:
   Your courage in telling your story is breathtaking.  I'm sorry you were manipulated into that hell.  What you have to say is so important, because many of us were similarly manipulated into sexual behavior that we never would have freely chosen.  (Many of my earliest posts told a story of the sexual contortions I bent myself into to accommodate my then-husband's desire to act out "woman.) I believe this is a more common facet of the straight spouse/partner experience, especially for women, than is known or acknowledged, because the shame we feel about it keeps us silent.  Thank you for breaking that silence. 

Thank you, Out Of His Closet,
I appreciate your encouragement. I can’t wait until I can speak up in the real world, but in the meantime I can share parts of my story on here. Hopefully mine is a “worst case” scenario and maybe others aren’t as bad, but I’m afraid you’re right, that it’s a common theme to be pushed into miserable sexual scenarios by gay or trans in denial spouses, or even just plain narcissistic spouses.