I don’t have any questions at the moment, but I wanted to thank you for your willingness to share your side of your and your husband’s story. 

Hi SuzanneH,I think your overall understanding is correct. It is the shortened version of what happened and grew over time since my “coming-out”. And so yes there is more.
 
First of all things started with a vew basic but necessary down to the ground values we felt were needed to proceed in our marriage:
We are loyal to each other (so monogamous).
We will not live as siblings to each other (like sexless).
We accept each other as we are (and that goes both ways).
 
And I think those values were not only (at first) something to hold on to when things threatened to get out of balance, but these were also the seed (the roots of) what grew over the years:
Making choices.
Acknowledge the choices you make.
Follow up to the consequences that stem from those choices.
 
By that love is connected to faithfulness but also act of will, it’s not just some feeling.
It has been a road, not a one day trip, and i’m far from being a saint.
But sticking to these values has brought me so much, much more then my expectations.
 
For me the sexual restrained I felt towards my husband, didn’t suddenly become bigger when I found out I was lesbian. When I told my husband I was lesbian and had fallen in love with a woman, the troubles with our sexual relation I had before, didn’t change what it was already. And his desire for intimacy was the same and handling that was still as troublesome as it was. But I didn’t feel aversion towards him or his physical appearance because of that. After all, why would I? He was still the same person, just like before.
But our relation was overturned, and we had to find a way through it together. That is simply the unavoidable consequence of the choice : choosing for each other. What sense would it have to make a choice and not follow up on its definitions? And to my opinion “together” means equal, like in: it goes both ways.And not: “I will lay my burden on your shoulders”, because if I choose to only look onto my feelings and what is important to me, that would not be fair. My "new found feelings" were and are not more important then his.The sexual satisfaction I could give my husband was still there just the same. All that was before I realized to be lesbian, didn’t suddenly changed by knowing (why would it?).  I choose to continue our marriage relation, and sexuality is part of that.
Actually, because I now knew what the reason was I earlier had problems with in our sexual relation, relieved a lot of the strain . The stress not knowing was gone. I felt much more relaxed. Certainly after some time, when I got past the novelty of my discovery and things settled down and became more stable in our relation. For my husband it was complicated to find his way in all of this, feeling rejected and uneasy. For him it was searching and probing what our situation was. But we were in it together.
You love someone, or you don’t. If you do, well... do it.
I determine and I make my choices. Not because I’m somehow forced, but because I freely choose for us together. I’m not half married to someone, but with all that I am.
 
The one time sex was beter than the other time, and sometimes it was just to give the other a good time. And somestimes it was nothing, well that’s allowed as well. So it went for the both of us. But I think it actually was more problematic for my husband, he felt rejected not just physical, but as a man. He missed to be known and desired for the love he could give as a man, and all what he had to give.
For me it was never a consideration to shut the door to our sexual relation. Sometimes I drank a glass of wine to loosen up, or we watched a porn movie together. The sex on itself wasn’t “it” to me, but I never had a problem with the person I made love with, because I love him. We wanted to go for each other and our relation, and sexuality is part of that.
Sure it was very limited and not perfect at all. But we loved each other, and just because of that we chose this.
 
Above is a snapshot of the first period we went through after my coming-out. I’m glad it didn’t stop there. But this was the humble beginning situation we had to start from. Not much going for us in the sexual department, except the fact we loved each other and said yes to each other, we were comitted to make our choices based on that.But our MOM was a process, it developed.  It certainly was a problematic start and a rough road, but it also took me (and us) on a way to learn love.
 
It’s about giving yourself to the other, in full trust and security that goes beyond feeling and deliberation, and only wants to go in the direction to bring out the best and most beautiful in the other. That’s even more valuable than finding yourself.
Love gives value to your intentions.
It gives meaning to everything what en how you do something en what you think.
Love builds up the other, and doesn’t bring it down.
It longs to be with the other.
It’s interested in the other.
It feels secure and save with the other. Even when the other isn’t perfect, and neither am I.
It looks over dark valeys towards the other hilltop.
It’s commited and dedicated to the other.
 
I’ve started to realize and rejoice the value of our marriage, by keeping to these values. Our love isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect, we make mistakes and have our specific character traits en peculiarities we sometimes walk into. But our foundation is what I wrote.
  
So I don’t put my (lesbian) sexual orientation in first place. It’s not my starting point. I’m the wife of Dutchman, and that’s what I chose. Because of that choice I don’t act on my lesbian feelings, but I don’t deny them either. But it also isn’t a yoke anymore, and I don’t feel I’m missing something. Because in the years behind me another door has opened up inside my marriage. It gives me fulfillment and what is good, also the sexual aspect.
It has filled the feeling of want and desire. Actually, it has answered it.

Thank you, Samantha, for your post. It is very helpful to hear your perspective.

SamanthaNL wrote:

So I don’t put my (lesbian) sexual orientation in first place. It’s not my starting point. I’m the wife of Dutchman, and that’s what I chose. Because of that choice I don’t act on my lesbian feelings, but I don’t deny them either. But it also isn’t a yoke anymore, and I don’t feel I’m missing something. Because in the years behind me another door has opened up inside my marriage. It gives me fulfillment and what is good, also the sexual aspect.
It has filled the feeling of want and desire. Actually, it has answered it.

Hi Samantha,

I know it might be a bit personal and all that, so don't respond if you don't want to but I am wondering what you are meaning about 'another door opening up'.

Thanks, Lily
 

lily wrote:

 I know it might be a bit personal and all that, so don't respond if you don't want to but I am wondering what you are meaning about 'another door opening up'. 

Hi Lily, sorry it took a little longer to respond!!  

And again thank you for your question,
It is a bit hard to explain because it holds so much more than just a feeling.
 
It’s not just about a profound longing, or even desire of willingness, nor just a well paved path with strong intention to share your life with someone because you deeply care for someone.
Not just somehow making my lesbian feelings secondary nor just considering my lesbian feelings of less value than to what I felt for my husband. 
But moreover it required all of my heart.
 
You yourself made a somewhat comparable comparison between two opposites actually a while ago in a discussion with Dutchman, and described it as two magnets that do not hold because one of the sides is the wrong side of the magnet.
Well…If I may take this example again…
I can describe my “door” as figuring out (contemplating) the why for the magnets didn’t connect in the first place yet : because until then I didn’t understand, the distinction between “giving with all my willingness” or “giving the whole of my heart”. And I began to grasp a couple of things. For one thing the purpose of marriage and what love in that regard really means and that turned my focus on to another important aspect I discovered in myself that made it difficult to really be one with my husband. My heart had a restricted area, a section still closed off and mine to keep. From that area I tried to maintain a marriage that I wanted, but only from my point of reference, like:  “I am lesbian so bare with me…”
So, I had to open that door to let myself out as it were… loosen the grip it had on me. I can choose how much gravity I give my feelings. And I can choose what I value more.
I think you could call that the turning of one of the magnets….
Or the doorhandle that I could open.
 
It reached my heart. Being able to feel my husband with my heart and being aware of what that meant. Because something had changed, something else was set in motion. I began to understand something that I could not dismiss if I wanted to be honest to myself, or my husband, or my faith: This is who I am, this is who I want to be, this is what I believe. 
 
It bridged my feelings, the letting go of hanging on to my lesbian feelings as the focal point importance, made room to start being connected to his heart, his being a man, his being what I needed.
I was able to see him in who he was as a man. And that felt awesome..
That was the door that needed to be opened. That was the door I went through and instead of focusing on what I didn’t have, I began to be grateful for what I had with him, and see/understand what that meant. Over a period of time it grew into something more...as in going over the threshold, and discover what’s behind the door….
I also started to see what my way of dealing with things before had done to him, (or evenly important, the lack of what I should have felt for him, had brought him because of me being a lesbian).
Something entirely new grew next to what was.
You see…it didn’t change the circumstances, but it changed me in the circumstances.
 
No, I am not miraculously healed or cured, I still consider myself lesbian.
This what I feel is only towards my husband.,.and never expected to happen...And see that as the cherry on the cake. 
I do not see myself connecting with an other man. Thankfully I don’t need to, but lets say if my husband got in an accident (I hate to pick this example but I don’t have another way explaining it) and I should have to start all over again, I’m sure it would not be with a man .
 
Over time that what grew by the opening of that door, changed my innerself and grew further into fully enjoying our sexual relation, and receive and being able to give back with all my heart. And at the risk of displaying some sort of romantic lovestory… this is the short version of “my door”.
Not the frontdoor of the house that opened up to everyone.
But the door of my heart opened building a party between us in our MOM, instead of just trying to find the best way through a difficult situation.
 
Maybe my writing does not cover everything somehow. Going from point A to B is not just following a roadmap and then you’ll get there. Much of what happened in regard to this, happened in my head and heart.