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1 of 1- Terracotta
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Hi I am new to the group and need a little advice
Hi all, I just posted my story in other forums.
In short, I Moved to another country 10 yrs ago, left everything behind, sold my apartment etc etc just to be with my boyfriend. Then two years later we got married.
3-4 yrs ago he got eating disorder and we realized it was because he was uncomfortable in his male body and wanted to be a female. It took me 3-4 months to understand what truly was going on, after seeing him buying female clothing and trying them at home. Then during that time we started talking about it openly, he confessed by my force because I was asking questions all the time. It was not long before I knew I couldn't go on like that and I wanted to divorce.
When I was thinking I did good by deciding so fast (we don't have kids btw) and I could move on, I couldn't find an apartment easily and was forced to live there for 9 months. Forced to watch his transition with all makeup, clothes, etc. I lost my own will to buy myself clothes and apply makeup. I wanted to support him as he was in depression and had eating disorder.
And now a week ago after 3 yrs, while I was still thinking I was strong and how I managed to become friends, now my tears are gushing out non stop and a month ago or so I got diagnosed with mild depression myself . So now I realized I never cared about how I felt and never experienced my own grief really.
I am thinking of cutting ties with him, because all this was triggered because of a FB post he put out there with her new gf, and being all happy.
I felt so guilty of feeling angry and not wishing his happiness (and I am really not that type of person) but I guess it's time to be honest with myself, maybe? I thought I moved on but I didn't. I am probably going to reduce the amount of texting we do even though we don't much. We just sometimes chat on a program we have on computer.
I am all alone here in Sweden and even thought of going back. But all these years, the thoughts of wasting 10 yrs here. I don't know. It's so tough now.
It wouldn't be selfish to totally cut ties right? do I even need to give explanations to them?
Sorry for the long post <3
- Daryl
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Re: Hi I am new to the group and need a little advice
I don't think it's selfish at all. You need to look out for your own health and happiness. You don't own him or anyone else an explanation. "I need some space." should be more than enough explanation, and it's not necessarily forever, just for now. With that being said, I don't think solitude is the answer either. It sounds like you need someone you can talk to about this but your ex is not a good choice. Maybe there are some counseling services you can take advantage of? You might also want to remove him from your Facebook, or at least place him on ignore. Generally I suggest remove so that you are not tempted to look him up for a peek.
Don't worry about post lengths - post as often or as much as you need to.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Terracotta
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Re: Hi I am new to the group and need a little advice
Thanks a lot Daryl,
Yes I think you are right about removing them from Facebook.
I am going to my therapist every 2 weeks but it's more about CBT treatment as I am a long term sufferer of anxiety. But she knows about my situation. This time I plan to ask them to find me a good therapy only for this issue. As I didn't manage to experience my pain, maybe they can direct me to another help.
We will see, thanks <3
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Hi I am new to the group and need a little advice
Hi,
I think one of the ways we cope with pain in our hearts is to help others. Care about others. and I know it has been viewed as a good thing from way back so not decrying it but I agree, sometimes we need help ourselves.
I have not been sleeping well of late and had reached the end of my coping skills and went to see a counsellor yesterday. I am not religious or spiritual and said that up front and she accepted that and found a way to do her thing anyway. Lining up the chakras - well that did kinda make sense to me, there really are places along your spine where there are groupings of nerve endings. After we had talked, or rather I had talked and told her a bit about myself we did a get in touch and talk with that part of yourself guided tour part of the way up the chakras. She did work a bit of magic on me, I had a lovely sleep when I got home. I'm going to complete the process.
Wishing you all the best, Lily
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Hi I am new to the group and need a little advice
I would second Daryl's suggestions.
I'd also suggest that you look into EMDR therapy, which is helpful for resolving trauma. I completely understand what you say about "losing your own will" with respect to your own femininity while dealing with him while he appropriated and tried to approximate Woman, because I experienced the same invalidation from the experience of living with my trans-identifying now ex. I can no longer bear to see or hear from or about my now-ex, as when I do see him, or hear from or about him, I feel that trauma all over again. I have found the healthiest thing for me is to cut him as far out of my life as possible.
- Terracotta
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Re: Hi I am new to the group and need a little advice
Thanks all really.
Yeah I am willing to do anything to support others who go through the same hell as I did. This is a very good way of healing, I agree.
I am seriously thinking of cutting ties, though I am sure I will hear from them as their cousin is my close friend. But I think it will still make a huge difference, as I was talking to my ex like best friends and still sharing everything like nothing happened between us.
So that was indeed a mistake, but I have to admit it is a hard thing to do because I still feel guilt.
I will discuss this issue and EMDR therapy with my therapist on Monday.
Cheers <3
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Thread Starter