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- jkpeace
- Member
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Re: How to Handle Traumatic Reactions...a few years later
OOHC,
You ask a good question: "Can I have a good relationship with my ex, without giving my children the idea that what he did was ok?" I struggle with that. I wonder where/if forgiveness fits in or not. The part I do think I understand is how hard it is to come out of the closet. The part I will never understand is how he could drag me into it with him. That was 100% selfish and completely deceitful. After decades of lying, I don't know if it's possible for a person to be honest.
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
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Re: How to Handle Traumatic Reactions...a few years later
I agree about wondering whether a person who has spent decades in a closet can shake the effects of it. If it's possible, it's surely difficult, and a years' long project. I would think that at least one step in the process would be to apologize to those who've been hurt, to acknowledge that hurt, and to make the best possible effort to be accommodating to the needs of those who've been hurt.
The topic of forgiveness came up today over at Chump Lady, and I particularly liked what "Amiisfree" has to say about it:
Regarding forgiveness: I, too, find it extremely therapeutic and healing. Here’s how, specifically.
Forgiveness, to me, is not about forgiving the person or the person’s actions. In fact, it is best accomplished in the total absence of the person who harmed mem
Forgiveness, to me, is like forgiving a debt. You realize the debtor will never fulfill the agreement, so you write off the bad debt. You refuse to ever extend your credit to that debtor again because that debtor is a proven bad risk. You seek out any available remedies without expecting the debtor to provide anything voluntarily. And, in fact, you don’t even allow the debtor to absolve any portion of their default by scrambling crappy remedies together after the fact.
In short, to forgive a cheater, you remove the cheater from your life and stop expecting — or even wanting –anything from the cheater. The forgiveness IS the meh, the no contact, the complete shedding of the cheater and total restart in a better place.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 23, 2020 1:11 pm)