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June 23, 2020 11:39 am  #1

Questioning Everything and heartbroken

Hello lovely people,

I am a mess.  Outwardly I am keeping it together better since I found out my husband cheated on me with a man, but inwardly I am not doing well.  

I am going over the history of our relationship and so many things don't make sense that I wonder if he's really gay and not bisexual as he says he is?  

We have always had a very deep connection emotionally and sometimes physically.  When we are connected physically the sex has been wonderful.  The problem is that I almost always have to initiate and the sex has become less and less frequent around 10 times a year.  

Thinking back, even on our honeymoon he was reluctant to have sex.  He was very worried that the lady in the Bed and Breakfast would hear us (she was in a room down the hall) but even on our wedding night he said he was too tired and then in the morning I initiated.  He has always had an attraction problem.  It comes in waves.  Sometimes he is very affectionate and then for long periods he is not.  It's a terrible mind fuck and has really hit my self esteem.  I am getting better now because I realize this is HIS problem and not mine.  

After I found out about his affair, he was genuinely very sorry and has listened to my anguish and grief quite a bit.  
We are in counseling.  He says he has decided to break off all contact with "his friend" because it is not worth losing his family.  I wish he had decided that before he had the affair.  Apparently he needed to experience this side of himself as it nagged at him since he was a little boy.

I am questioning everything.  I am questioning if he is really gay and not bi-sexual.  The man he slept with says that my husband is bisexual and that he should know because he is gay.  I am going a little crazy.  I want to ask this man if he and my husband had anal sex but I feel like what difference does it make?  

My husband has said he loves me, but he is not pursuing getting back together/connectedness other than talking and counseling.  He is not declaring undying love or all that stuff and it hurts....he says that he can't declare love in that way over an over and can't reassure me in the way I need.

I realize how weird and co-dependent this all sounds.  I am just a mess and not sure how to proceed in any direction.


June 23, 2020 11:58 am  #2

Re: Questioning Everything and heartbroken

I am sorry for your pain. It's overwhelming and unimaginable to anyone who hasn't been through this. When I first found out my ex had "same sex attraction"...which is what he said; he couldn't say, "I'm gay"...I actually thought we could be married if he was even 1% straight (that 1% idea was my stupid idea, not his). That sounded reasonable at the time. It sounds absurd to me now. Although he couldn't say he was gay and called himself bi, he is just gay. He didn't want to be and had a hard time saying it, but he is gay. 4 years post-divorce he is in a serious relationship with a man and has zero desire to be with a woman. Coming to terms with a spouse/partner being gay when you are straight is rough.  A straight man doesn't have a gay side that has nagged him since he was a boy. My ex says the same thing. He has known since he was a little boy. He just didn't want to be gay.


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