OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Sonata
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Questions
Hello,
It is very helpful to read everyone's post here. Thank you!
I am in counseling with my husband who has come out to me as bisexual after having an affair with a man. They are not in love and he says he wants to be with me. He says he has decided being with that man is not worth losing his relationship with me and our family.
I find myself wondering if he can remain happy without expressing this side of his sexuality? What I don't want is to have him sneaking around again. We both are not sure if it could ever work to have an open relationship. Sometimes I think I could do it and other times I think I would be too jealous and I am not sure if I can handle opening up our marriage and exploring other relationships myself.
We have been together for 21 years. We love each other and many things about our relationship are very good. I am still processing this affair and trying to see if we can move on together. I think the only way it could work is if we both had outside partners. Has that been the case for those of you in MOM?
Thank you for your comments in advance and peace.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Questions
Sonata wrote:
.......... I am still processing this affair and trying to see if we can move on together. I think the only way it could work is if we both had outside partners. Has that been the case for those of you in MOM?.......
Only you know how the thought of your husband being with another man affects you. Will they have full penetrative sex? Will they use protection? How did these questions make you feel inside? Because this may be what an open r'ship, or a MOM would be like. Can you/would you trust him to use protection if he was having sex with another man, trust him when he tells you "of course I used protection"
And then there's you 
how would having sex with other men make you feel? In the end my own open r'ship made me feel used, duped and left behind but only when I combined/compared it with my partner's when he admitted to fantasies about one day being fucked by a man.
Some men can breeze through an open r'ship by putting their partner & their love for their partner in a box they keep totally separate from anybody else they have dealings with sexually, and if you're a woman who can do this you may find a MOM might be the choice for you.
I didn't even know there was a thing called a MOM, only that I was in love and thought an open r'ship was another adventurous part of our journey together but it takes a stronger woman than I am to climb a mountain together then watch your man enthusiastically run down the other side with another man.
I've learned there are monogamous MOMs too. These can only survive with the utmost trust in one another
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Dutchman
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Re: Questions
Hi Sonata,
it hurts me everytime I read stories like yours. It's part of the reason I post on this forum.
To my opinion a MOM can work, and be monogamous, and happy, and fulfilling to both.
But it depends heavily on both spouses to make it. It's all about choices, very real choices!
Real acceptance, real love, real will and openness from both sides, and real trust that emerges from it.
If someone doesn't make it, I don't judge. Most and foremost, it depends on both (!), you're not accountable for choices your spouse makes.
Both have to take an enormous inner emotional undertaking and journey to deal with it. But... it can, it sure is possible.
Last half year or so, I posted a lot of info about my/our personal journey. I tried to be as open as possible about the troubles and mistakes we were in, also the succeses and possitive consequences. I hope you can find possible clues in there that may be useful to you. Feel free to ask further about certain aspects (those posts are mixed in contexts of ongoning discussions that may make it unclear).
Finding yourself in a MOM is very complicated. It feels like an overwhelming thing that drops down on you. The whole situation to get your mind arround, and all the different messages from the outside that shout (demand) all kind of ways to go about it.
Cool down, stay close to yourself. You know very well what is okay for you. Draw this line and try to work from there. It's not you who must bent and swirl your foundation. But for your husband it's also very much needed to be really accepted like he is. No nonsense, no denial, not from him nor from you. Acceptance has to rule!
So initially, I would suggest:
You both stick to your principles and expectations about your marriage. That was and is the deal!
You both accept each other fully. No escape, no denial. This can work out for both to be a healthy and new expirience.
This can be a start of mutual appreciation, and openess on new levels you didn't imagine before.
But then it's "turn left or right?" :
What is the driving force in your life?
Who are you really?
What do you really want?
These are the questions that are to be answered (by both!).
This determines the outcome of a MOM, deep down it's not the sexual orientation. There are deeper matters and reasons that are behind it.
Many people don't make it to the base of those questions, let alone figuring them out.
- Sonata
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Re: Questions
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. You have given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it!
Tonight I find myself wondering about bisexuality. My husband says he is bisexual and has been mostly attracted to women. He has never had a "relationship" with a man other than this arrangement he had with this man for occasional oral sex. There were a lot of sexting texts I found and they show passion in a way that I don't experience from him. When we are together he is tender and it is good, but not hot, passionate. He almost never initiates and we certainly don't have sex very often, maybe 6-10 times a year.
I am worried about investing more time and then having him figure out that he is really gay after all. I guess that is a chance I will take because at the moment we are stuck together because of Covid, lack of money (he lost his job) and caring for our 13 year old who is autistic. I have to give myself a timeframe to decide by. I would like to work it out because he is my best friend and I do love him. Just very sad, angry and confused right now.
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