Happy Belated Birthday, Elle! I’m glad you got away for a bit. That sounds amazing. I’m sorry about the flowers, my GIDH tends to get me flowers often these days and I hate it so much. Where were the flowers for the last 21 1/2 years, during all those valentines and bdays and me giving birth to five beautiful children for him. I just watch the flowers sit there and die every time... a metaphor for my marriage. Yikes.

I’m so raw I can’t stop crying. I’m still not allowed to open my business yet in CA so I’m still stuck at home with no income to keep working towards divorce.
The horrible pain so many people are feeling over the horrific murder of an innocent man is everywhere. I’m desperately trying to learn and teach my kids and figure out how to help but my GIDH is so disapproving of me speaking up for truth and justice and compassion... at least he hasn’t silenced me, because he knows that I am not the weak willed submissive wife I used to be.
And now fire season is starting again in my rural area. Three fires yesterday and three today. I want to move so bad, I don’t want to have to evacuate again or spend so many weeks without power like last year. Every time there’s any wind they shut off our power so the lines don’t start a fire. I want to move so badly but he says he won’t for another year.
I have promised myself that I’m not staying married past Feb 2 of next year, since that’s a year from when I realized he’s gay, not just bi, and that my sacrifice of 21 years of my life to try to finally make him happy were all useless. I figured I could handle one year to get my things in order. But then lockdown and shutting down my new business happened. I feel like a rat stuck in a trap who would gladly chew off its own leg to escape, but I can’t leave my babies. And I can’t afford a place that will get the 18yr old to willingly come too. And he’s been on superb behavior since February. I’ve never seen anything like it. When I was losing my patience over all the online covid-schooling he would come out of his room all calm and get the kids to calm down and even make them laugh. Where was he during the last 18 years as I struggled with homeschooling and charter schools and acclimating the kids through the culture shock of starting public school.
So many people have it so much worse than me. I want to help people heal themselves and be empowered and live joyful, love-filled lives. But I haven’t been able to rescue myself yet. And I keep getting blocked.  I know they say that when you have a goal you WILL encounter obstacles. But each one seems insurmountable right now.

Hello All ...New Zealand has had no new Covid19 cases for 14 days now and only 1 person in hospital. We still have I hear a couple hundred coming into the country every week but all have a 14 day quarantine before they can 'join' the rest of us.

 Life at home continues...but more and more I feel like a traitor to my r'ship. A while back I corresponded with a Forum member whose wife had come out as a lesbian but they stayed together (both elderly)..with the wife stating there would be no intimacy, no sex, and the man (forum member) didn't know how he was going to deal with it. 
 The thing is...I've said to my partner a firm No to sex...and now, rightly or wrongly, I'm feeling guilty and torn....

I have to log off...I'll finish this later

 

walkbymyself wrote:

I'm feeling isolated, too.  

 

What's up Walk? Talk to us....please One solitary 4 word sentence from you is worrying

In New Zealand...we had 24 days without any new cases of Covid19. Then....because of lax (disappointing) follow-up at the hotel where overseas visitors do their 14 day quarantine before being 'let free' in the country....2 women from the UK were allowed to leave after only 6 days (6..!!!) on compassionate grounds without being tested first. 
So now every traveller on every plane they were in from the UK has to be tracked down and tested. They drove to my city but have anonymity. The whole country is angry as hell
 

Thanks for the reply Elle.

It’s hard to explain where my hang ups are. I’m no longer sad about the slow death of my marriage, I feel quite separated from him emotionally. I sleep in my own room, try to avoid him, hate that we’re still forced into co-parenting on the three evenings he doesn’t work. I hate that he pretends to be happily married in front of the kids. If it weren’t for the kids I would have left. So many times.
I sometimes want to scream at him. Like when I have to deal with ongoing health scares each year because of the HPV I have because of him... so far I don’t have cervical cancer from it, but I’m almost 39 which is the age my mom was when she died of cancer, so it’s messed up that I have that in the back of my mind.
I also want to ask him if he’s happy that I made our fifth and youngest child. He loves her so much. But I remember the night I conceived her 7 years ago. He once again had been lying there with his eyes closed. I had said I really wanted sex. I was so lonely from being incredibly isolated while he was gone four days/nights a week and home “with a headache” the other three days. I would be at home, homeschooling and raising five kids and taking care of the farm, and so lonely for any affection from him. Anyways, he had said I could “jump on him if I wanted”. So he laid there with his eyes closed as I got on top and tried to just focus on how much I loved him in spite of him destroying my heart half a year earlier. I tried not to think about how excited he had been when I had told him about a horrible gross nightmare I’d had of giving a blow job to him and another man. I tried to focus on the fact that he must love me because he was always going to work to support me and our kids. Poor, naive, stupid me. But I get furious at how much he loves and enjoys that little girl, and how much she loves him, because he had NOTHING to do with conceiving her or raising her until the last year. But I won’t do anything to ruin that relationship for her. She deserves to feel loved by both parents.

I have no relatives who can help me get free. We were always the ones to help the relatives, but we don’t even own a house. I have just now received some money from unemployment which is pretty awesome. I’m going to save the money in a business account. It may be tough going once I open my business again, but if I manage to hold on to some savings I won’t be afraid of being so financially vulnerable during actual divorce proceedings at least.

My 18 yr old does not know her dad is gay/trans. I have talked with her about some stories here, and how heartbreaking it is when a spouse finds out their spouses is gay, and she sympathized with that. I feel like my daughter is so unstable with all of her anxiety/ extreme social isolation/ debilitating OCD, that she can’t handle knowing our marriage won’t last and I can’t tell her until I know for sure when it’s happening. Also I feel like he needs to not know yet but she would tell.  I HATE living in deception, but I need him to cooperate with moving closer to my work and getting the kids plugged into school and therapy and hobbies in town instead of being so isolated in this rural community. Right now we’re an hour from everything.


I’m sorry, whenever I get on here I seem to go on and on...  thanks for letting me talk.

OneDayAtATime wrote:

I’m sorry, whenever I get on here I seem to go on and on... thanks for letting me talk.

 

Hah......no worries, that's what the Forum's for! 

Do you not think your 18 yo daughter has sensed your turmoil, and that even if you let her know a little more of the situation she would keep your confidence? You say he's pretending to be happily married in front of the kids but so are you, and things probably wont change/move on til you have a few more of your ducks lined up. 
You say you have HPV because of him so doesn't that put a red flag beside your name at your doctor's surgery? Your doctor sounds to me the best person to talk to...they will have you and your childrens best interests at heart surely!