Long Term Partner Came Out to Me

Hi Everyone:

This is my story.

My long term partner and I have been experiencing issues for awhile.  My understanding at the time was the biggest thing being our communication was not enough for her.  On top of that, I have been struggling with mental health issues surrounding depression and anxiety.  During the pandemic, she opened my eyes to how much I’ve been struggling and I began using some self help resources I found that were aligned with where my therapist and I were going.  I feel that I’ve made some headway in the depression area but I am still struggling with intense anxiety most if the time.  Through mindfulness, meditation and using an app based on CBT I am managing to cope and gain more control over my anxious feelings.

While this was going on I was very consumed with myself and realize I made her feel abandoned. As someone who has been abandoned in the past I know how this feels and I am experiencing intense feeling of guilt while I process her coming out.

So, about two weeks ago she told me the news.  She explained how her feelings about women have returned and she has been struggling with them for over a decade.  I didn’t react the greatest and ignored her feelings about what she was telling me.  I understand her perspective about my reaction but I’m not sure she truly realizes how I process things.  She was raised to be open and honest and to talk about her feelings.  I was placed in front of the TV to fend for myself and use introspection to cope.  So, when I left the space to be alone with my thoughts I was processing while trying not to shut down.  I know I should have told her this but I couldn’t face her.  I’m an emotional man and when confronted with certain uncomfortable situations I tend to break and get really emotional.  It takes me some time to calm, become clear and absorb the situation.  

Since the talk two weeks ago, our space has been tense at times.  We have both said we don’t want to give up our home together and the thought of leaving our animals tears me into pieces. On top of that, I love her family and it feels like I’m also losing them.  

Through trying to educate myself I’ve learned that none of this is about me.  It helps but it's not enough.  I realize that my initial reactions were full of ego and while I heard what she told me, I was ignoring the significance due to being consumed with my own issues.  

We are looking to move forward but I don’t know how.  Upon reflection of everything, I now accept that our romantic life is over.  What’s important to me is maintaining our home, even as friends/roommates.  I understand the torment she must have felt over these years is immense and I want to support her, if she’ll let me.  I’ve offers to be with her when/if she comes out to friends and family.  She is my best friend, I love her enormously and unconditionally.  We’ve briefly talked about non-traditional and open relationships.  This is all new territory for me, her also.  Thing thing with which I struggle is I can’t help but feel she would rather have me leave.  This is unfair to her as I cannot read her mind but I can’t help but feel that.  I’ve also lived with a woman as a roommate before and we would both bring new partners home.  I’m  not sure how I’d feel about the first time she would bring someone home but I don’t want her to feel if we are roommates that she can’t do that.  I want us both to have a life where we are happy but ideally, I would like to remain in our home.

Do any of you have advice?  With all of that being said above I am hurting immeasurably.  It’s debilitating.  I feel so alone right now.  It helps knowing that none of this had anything to do with me and because if that I’m at peace with myself, even though I have issues that need work, but I just don’t know how to carry on and it makes me feel so lost.  

Thank you for reading.

Last edited by StraightSpouseThrow (June 11, 2020 8:34 am)