OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Am I on target ?

38yrsGAMEOVER · June 7, 2020 11:27 pm

Hi I'm new here!
I'm recently divorced after 38 years of a horrible dysfunctional marriage that had a huge disproportionate amount of heartache and grief.
I started hours ago writing out the details of my drama but now I really think I just need to put out what I know and think and let me see if you all would agree with my assessment.
I wasn't ever able to connect the dots and my ex was hoping to drag me over the finish line and I've said many times in the past 6 months that God had a different plan.

So with that being said here it goes.
During our 38 yr. marriage we had 3 sons. We lost our youngest to an overdose in late 2013.

When our boys were teens back in the day (early 2000's) we only had a desktop shared computer. I was on the computer and it became inundated with those pop adds. I couldn't close the screen fast enough the pop ups kept popping up. The ads were of good looking young guys servicing each other. These pops happened on a few different occasions. I remembered finally becoming annoyed enough to mention it to my husband and 3 teenage sons. I said something like " I don't know who's looking at this stuff but I know it sure isn't me". Seems after that I didn't see it happening and I just chalked it off as curious teenage boys,

Then fast forward to approx . 2011 our youngest son was battling addiction. He had come home from rehab and the deal was he had to stay clean in order to stay in our home. So meanwhile the now EX was overseas to Prague on one of his self indulgence trips. There was no way at that time I was going to leave our son and go out of the country. I would have been worried sick!!! My now ex never had a problem going off and indulging! So it turned out my son did not keep his promise and here I see he is downstairs in the basement and he's high. Of course I'm upset so I confront him. My son tried to convince me of his dad, He repeated over and over again "dad likes *ick" I kept saying why are you saying this? My son finally let it go and never brought it up to me again. When my ex came home from his Prague trip I never mentioned what are son had said. I did not want to create a wedge between him and our son. What I've now come to realize is the wedge was already there.

Meanwhile there's a lot of family heartache because in late 2013 we lost our son to an over dose.
We weathered through our grief and we did a lot of traveling together. I'll add no intimacy that's been long gone!
In 2017 my now ex is really starting in on gas lighting and he's drinking much more than I realized. He's slowly turning into a total ass! Oh but it's me! NO he's made a purposeful choice to be mean, distant and indifferent. He'd even where his sunglasses in the house so he'd not have to look at me. Without a doubt I believe now he was having an internal struggle. He deflected and would call me out on anything he was a complete hypocrite full of double standards! He'd accuse me of the behavior he was putting out! It was so crazy!!! I would tell him you need to look in the mirror! He'd plan indulgent trips and then let me know he was of to San Fran, Seattle or where ever for the weekend or a long weekend if it was a holiday weekend. He went to Dubai and China twice.
The last trip we went on was to Hawaii. It was literally a last minute invite. I had to fly from Atlanta to LA to Hawaii and meet him there because he was going to San Francisco first.   Hawaii was the last trip we went on in Oct. 2018 together. Now I just shake my head because it was a total downhill slide. I wonder what the heck he was doing those few days in S/F before he flew out to meet me in Hawaii. We left Hawaii separately because he had to go back to S/F stay overnight before heading back to Atlanta. HMMM was that another guilt trip he took me on????
All of 2019 it became quite obvious that our doomed marriage was finally coming to a head. I guess I continued to keep my head in the sand although I did start to speak out to him when he tried to tell me why he was still with me and of course it was such craziness. He said he only married me back in the day because I was pregnant. Yeah right and we went on to have 2 more kids. Oh and how he didn't want to leave me because he thought I might be suicidal. Really??? I don't think so!!! That was when I started speaking out a bit more because I was so miserably fed up and ready to call him out on his bull shit telling him that he didn't want to leave me because I was cheaper to keep her. NO LIE!!! I barely asked him for money! He'd weaponized the check book and I literally eked by while he self indulged himself with luxurious trips, body massages you name it. I took care of everything at home, including our golden. My brother 'n law told me in mid 2019 that it was about time that I give myself a raise. So during the next heated argument I told my now ex that I'd been told this and that REALLY set him on fire.

It was not until my ex decided enough was enough last year after another one of his big self indulgent trips to Seattle then on to CHINA in August. It was clear he wanted out of our marriage. I was not blindsided I could see it coming that entire year. He was gas lighting me and deflecting and being a complete jerk! Of course he gave me his reasons of not being happy and that we just needed agree to part amicably and be friends. He had it all planned out!
I can tell you hindsight is so 2020 and my heart will grieve for my children until the day I take my last breath. I can now stand back and see the collateral damage of staying in a bad marriage. Clearly our 3 son's are the victims!I This is what tugs at my heart every single day!

So this past Sept after returning from China my EX proceeds to tell me we need to go cheap and do an amicable (mind you we're not talking equitable) divorce. *****KEEP THIS IN MIND*****...AT THE TIME I HAD NO CLUE! MY EX HAD PLANNED TO DRAG ME OVER THE FINISH LINE!!! He'd already predetermined in his eyes what was fair. We'd split everything but not a dime of alimony he would pay me. Really??? 38 years of marriage and all we've been through...all that I've sacrificed???? I don't think so! I hired an attorney and a couple weeks later my sisters had forwarded info from the internet to my attorney I had NO CLUE!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I could not believe my eyes when they revealed what they had found! He had always said he loathed social media and yet by the grace of GOD my youngest savvy sister had the wherewithal to search the internet. All I can say is this was truly a gift from GOD! There are no coincidences!!!! Luke 8:17
My EX took down his instragram but not in time{LOL) he was not quick enough!. My sister screen shot all the people he is following and it was quite telling. Like I said we could only see the exterior of his instagram.
Below are just a few names my ex was following. Just like my Ex they all like to travel...SanFrancisco. hmmm
the_bearded_teach
galesstreet francisco friends, family and cookies
Michael Anderer
lui_castell67
John Vlahides
Men's Tantra Events in Seattle
Hotdads_ands
frankmacri

I only have the screen shots but I deep dived on every dang one. Looked them all up on the internet and facebook and scrolled thru their pics and YUP you guessed it..... one thing in common GAY! I researched and copied everything I could get my hands on and have it in a file when it comes to these dudes my now ex was following!
Also I matched phone numbers up with his credit card and bank statements. He really enjoys those massages, especially the male pelvic floor massages....yes he does suffer from lower back pain from time to time. And yes these massage therapists are certified massage therapists in all types of massage when I look at their professional page but deep dive into their FB page and YUP they're GAY! oh and he joined and pays for this massage exchange sight. hmmm.
It turned out my attorney was not who I thought she was and made a few gaffs (that's an entirely different story). In the end the ex still thought he was going to brow beat me and finally we did go back and tell him if we were going to court we needed to schedule depositions because we had yet to flesh out his conduct. Well boom he folded and took the offer I had on the table. Of course his attorney had to throw in that he didn't think I deserved what I was asking for but his client wanted to be done and move on. Yeah right!!! If only his a-hole attorney new the truth!!!!!
Ex has been in a luxury apt. with the our golden since October.. Yes I made him take the dog and it broke my heart but I needed to be off the leash! So now our house is on market and I've continually dropped smoke bombs to him but have decided I will not tell him what I know. Only that I know and mostly I want to make damn sure he knows that our youngest son knew. My son has been vindicated from the grave! This is what really consumes me! It's not who my husband might be it's his damned conduct!
In regards to my son who is no longer living I have questions I will never get answers to!!! I've had friends and family ask me if I think my ex ever physically violated our son and I say "no". I truly do not think so! In my mind No our son was not physically violated but he sure was spiritually violated!!
This has now turned into a real head game because now my ex is taking a stand stating I need to grow up. I need to get past my resentment and move on. He says he's dealt with his anger and resentment. He now says whatever I may have seen in his phone records, checking and charge statements I'm mentally in my own mind over stretching! It's possible that my ex is baiting me to see what I will tell him? That way he can gauge his self preservation. I don't know I go back and forth in my head....thinking maybe I am wrong....maybe I'm wrong and I have slandered my now ex. I don't think so... like I've said this is such a head game.
I feel like I'm so ready to explode! I have such a hard time containing my anger and resentment around my older sons. And then there's the corona lock down UGH!
I know I'm looking for validation from you all ! I truly want my Ex to out himself and live his TRUTH!!!
I know without a doubt this is truly his biggest darkest secret!
He had NO intentions of me ever, ever figuring this out! He was going to leave this marriage and make it look like it was all about ME, especially give that impression to my 2 grown sons. Well yes this is a half the truth and I believe there's also a huge elephant in the room. 38 years of marriage and heartache and yes I want him to live his truth!!!
He's worse than a liar in my eyes.... he's a deceiver! It's not who he is....it's his damn conduct!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent!
I welcome any insights or advice.
I know I need to move on and work on the new me!

Abby · June 8, 2020 8:49 am

One of my children also found gay porn on the family computer while they were living at home and knew that it had to be his father's. We had some difficult times with him which in retrospect could be in part due to that but he did not tell me about that until we we divorcing. Fortunately he finally settled down and I think it helped that he saw me build a happier life for myself after the separation and divorce. I was going to take care of myself and not expect my children to carry me: I still am.

Try to avoid contact with your ex except to the extent necessary to sell the house. My ex announced he was gay and wanted a divorce but when the relationship that he apparently was in at the time broke up he began dating a woman. What was that about?? Someone gave me this mantra that put it all in perspective: "Whatever he is he isn't for me." Did I want him back? NO! Would I take him back if he wanted to reconcile? NO! Whether he considered himself bi, gay or even straight simply was no concern of mine. I had served my time and was moving on.

I hope that you have good relationships with your surviving sons and that you will be able to find inner peace. It helps to discover what makes you happy and to build new memories. I am old enough to remember when tapes were how music and events were preserved and I think of it as recording over the painful old stuff.

38yrsGAMEOVER · June 8, 2020 8:22 pm

Thanks Abby I feel the exact same way as you do when it comes to taking him back! NO WAY! I won't ever count on my ex to do that! I don't see that in him! He has a lot of PRIDE and an extremely FRAGILE ego!!!! I could see him date a woman just to spite me.... who knows. I will have to learn to be patient and let the future unfold!
As always he's in self preservation mode and he will maintain it as long as he can. Especially now since no one can question his whereabouts. My heart tells me that I need to let go and let God handle this...it's just so hard! Hey I too remember 8 tracks and cassette tapes... I don't feel that old!

Yes I need to figure me out! Today I was talking with a friend about my kids, this and that and all that I am worrying about in their lives and she said stop it. Do you know the entire time we've been talking you did not mention not even once what you are going to start doing for yourself. And she's right! I don't know how to take care of me! I am so use to being the mom, the wife, team player doing, doing, doing and now I truly feel lost and out of sorts!
Many changes are coming in the next few months for me and that leaves me so uneasy! The beautiful home I'm living in will likely be under contract soon and I've yet to start figuring out where I am going to live.
Like you've said it's time to discover what makes me happy and to build new memories. I want all my new memories to be so good that ....I need them to drowned out the old bad memories.
I need to get on with my life and prove to myself that my now EX is a HAS BEEN!!

OutofHisCloset · June 9, 2020 7:14 am

Dear Game Over,
I left after 36 years of marriage, when I was 64. All those sunk costs, all those years of planning for a future, holding out for a future vision, and I had to let them go. It was wrenchingly painful, but it was worth it, and I say that as someone who has made only the first steps on the journey to my new life. I moved out a little over two years ago, and have been divorced for a little over a year and a half. Huge changes, like the ones you're facing, but I am here to say to you that life improves, and in ways that you never suspected they would.

What I wanted to say to you was about moving out. If, like me, you've lived in your home for a long time, you might be thinking in terms of the long-term rather than the short-term, which can be overwhelming. For me, the journey has been one of steps or stages, rather than one giant leap into "the new life." If you are unused to thinking about yourself, and caring for yourself, it will likely take you some time to learn how to place yourself first, to think about who you are, what you want. Don't discount the idea of moving into an apartment or house on a shorter term basis. I was lucky to find just the right place for me at a price I could afford, to live in while the divorce was finalized and as I recovered from the hurt and pain and grief. Yes, there were days that I sat in my apartment and longed for my old home, the view I had of the rising sun each day, my garden, my kitchen, etc., and it's likely you will have those feeling of "I want my home back" and "I want my life back" They go away with time, and with conscious effort to appreciate the good qualities of the place you live and the live you have. I am at two years out of the "marital home" only now ready to start looking for a more permanent place.

It sounds to me as if you are facing this square on and determined, with support from family and friends, all of which will help you as you negotiate your future life.

Rob · June 9, 2020 3:37 pm

38,

"..Yes I need to figure me out! .."

Yes, It took me sometime after my GX left. I was like a caged animal ...the cage door was opened now, but I was so used to the cage. ie.. You mean I can leave a dirty dish in the sink without someone screaming at me? (not that I do that now but just concept that no lives will be lost or the world harmed by it ...)

My advice is look for things you like doing ...if you're like me you realized you are good company to yourself .. Pandemic ruined a lot of it.. i would normally say join a meet up.. go to library. Things must
open up again.

Don't worry about what he is doing or who he is dating..

38yrsGAMEOVER · June 11, 2020 2:15 pm

Thank you everyone for the encouragement and advice! I truly feel like I've lost my identity and mostly my self confidence.

OUTOFTHECLOSET. I can totally relate to your post to me. I'm currently living in our beautiful 6 bdrm, 5 ba house that is currently on the market. I feel my anger brewing I have so much resentment towards my ex! I'm glad you pointed out that I need to really focus on baby steps because you're right I was looking at my future decisions as being long term. That is what I'm use to. All the years of my comfort and security has been pulled out from under me. I'm not out of my house yet but I'm already missing it.

ROB You made me laugh!
Our marriage had gotten to the point over the last couple years that we were cooking for ourselves. I always made a point of having the house looking good when he came home from work! That means nothing in the sink, house in order etc... Who wants to come home to an unkept home! We were already sleeping in separate bedrooms and the bedroom he was in was disgusting! If I didn't go in and dust etc... UGH!!! I have always been the caretaker, house cleaner, yard gal, mom and dogwalker...you name it...
My now ex was "purposefully disrespectful" he'd cooked and makee a mess then he'd leave his dishes, pots etc soaking in the sink. The six burner gas cook top would be a mess if he did make an attempt to wipe it down and the granite counters it was half assed!!!! I'm not trying to be a ex husband basher! All I can say is he had become a complete ASS! IT'S PRETTY CLEAR iHE WAS SENDING ME A MESSAGE! HE WAS EXTREMELY PASSIVE AGRESSIVE IN HIS ACTIONS!!!!

MJM017 You asked.....
"Are you wanting your GX to out himself to gain closure and take responsibility so it’s easier to move on?"

YES! YES! YES!!!
I do understand that HE has to freely give it. And Yes I think that my ex is in total self preservation mode! He is deflecting and trying very hard to portray me as mentally stretching whatever I saw in my own mind. I do believe he is trying to bait me into telling him what I know and I won't!
I don't know exactly what he has told my grown adult son's but I have a pretty good read on his m.o. and he is making them think that my behavior is because I'm just angry, negative and resentful BECAUSE "HE LEFT ME!!"
My EX actually made that comment to my face when he came to the house to meet the realtor once we had finally settled!
Oh and how he just could no longer live with me blah, blah, blah..... all along totally dodging the elephant in the room.

Like I've outlined in my initial first post ....my speculations. I know I continue to look for affirmation from others to tell me that I am not off target. I also know I need to move on-- and it is what it is -- but YES I want my ex to live his TRUTH!!!!!! When my youngest son was still alive he tried to convince me of his dad and I shut him down!!! This is what naws at my soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone!!!!!!

Last edited by 38yrsGAMEOVER (June 11, 2020 2:32 pm)

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June 7, 2020 11:27 pm #1

Am I on target ?

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June 9, 2020 7:14 am #4

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June 11, 2020 2:15 pm #6

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