Tabby-
I hear you!    I feel your pain.  I lived out a similar situation only I have 3 adult children & 2 grandchildren.  Over 35 years together & 32 years of marriage when I filed for divorce. My GX moved his boyfriend(younger than our children) in with him immediately. He had no respect for me or our children & family. The extreme weight loss, working out & change of attire all cane along with this too!  He’s gross, he’s a narcissist and he’s a huge pathologically lying asshole!  I don’t know why I didn’t open my eyes and see what was happening earlier, but I didn’t.  I’m extremely thankful I did though finally and divorced him!  He was a user!  He wanted a wife(beard), kids, and a job title & money he got from my family’s business. I was dumb, but I’m awake now! 

I’m in my fifties and it’s not easy starting over.  But I’ll be damned if I would knowing stay married to a gay man!  I got nothing out of being with him other than my kids. He was no husband, and I say this looking back. At the time I knew something felt off, but couldn’t put my finger on it.  He never would utter a word about attraction to men.  He knew his secret would be out & he wouldn’t be seen as the awesome husband, father and community member people thought he was. 

To hell with that.  It’s so painful and hard.............do what you feel you need to do, but getting the guts to divorce him is the best thing I ever did!  Things don’t get better over time with these gay in denials as far as I can see, if anything it gets worse with time!

I don't generally comment here because this is the section reserved for those who are committed to marriage, but I do want to say that before you conclude you don't have any other choice except to stay married to him, you should visit a lawyer in order to learn for certain what your options under divorce would be.  You might be surprised to learn you have a better financial picture than you now suppose.  And don't conclude that it's 'too late" for you to start over; many here were married decades before divorcing (I myself was married for 35 years before I divorced.) 

tabby,

Sorry this has happened to you. I never had a known MOM, but was in one with a GIDXH.  Sex is a way to share intimacy and love. It’s where two become one.  It is the most important thing in marriage. Without it, you’re roommates or friends with unsatisfactory benefits.

Out of his closet has a great suggestion to visit a lawyer to discuss divorce & financials. Working to maintain a household does not exclude you from half of joint property, half of his pension(s) for each year of marriage, and, unfortunately, half the joint debt. He has no leg up having been the sole wage earner. 

If divorce is out, is there a possibility of an open marriage for you?  I never felt as lonely as I did with GIDXH. A kind heterosexual man who’s crazy for you will add so much joy to your life.

"tabby" wrote:

In the meantime, I feel like my entire marriage has been built on an illusion.

This might well be an accurate observation. And it's very hard and confronting to acknowledge it, it hurts deeply.
A marriage vow is not meant to be single sided. I get the impression his vow had a lot to do with loving himself. Probably he didn't (and still doesn't) understand what real love in marriage is about. Chances are he will never. The sexual attraction that might send him in the good direction isn't there, and he seems not to have any inner motivation to reach out to you.
So if you choose to stay married, you will continue to love someone, but never experience really being loved. Marriage should contain both aspects, that's why both are kept to a vow.

The-gay-thing in a MOM isn't the decisive factor, the real-love-thing is!
Sex is important, but not necessarily as a reason for love, it's rather a consequence. No sex in marriage is not the cause of a problem but in the first place it's a symptom.
When my lesbian wife came-out, she still decided to have sex with me. Because she considered: "I want my husband to accept me as I am, so I have to accept him too as he is". Although it didn't hold that thrill to her at the time, it was certainly out of love. And that has value in itself, sex as consequence of love (...and from there it evolved further).

No sex in a marriage is a red alert. In case of a MOM not so much of the gay-thing, but a sign of lack of real love and acceptance from the side of the gay spouse. In my opinion it's (most times) an indication of one sided love. It's not just the sexual kind of love that is lacking.

Hello,

At the moment you all are my support system.  I am very grateful.

I would be interested in hearing more about how people make MOMs work.

Leaving is not an option at this time.

Thank you.