OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Amorgana
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I’m in hell
I met my husband in a group of friends when we were teenagers. I knew he was questioning his sexuality and had same sex experiments because he confided in me when we were friends. Our friendship grew and after a couple of years we started dating. It was very intense and loving. He told me he thought I had solved the problem of his questioning sexuality. To cut a long story short we have now been together 35 years. We have 3 big kids. Over the years we have had our struggles. He is a quiet man, not great at showing empathy or emotion. He has struggled with depression and has few friends. He has an extremely successful career which he has immersed himself in. To our friends we are a very happy couple who love going to pubs and gigs and cinema etc. But over the years his sexuality has troubled My mind. I never spoke about it but I think I knew it was always there. 3 months ago he told me out of the blue that he needed to talk about his sexuality. He said he had been suppressing a side of him all his life and needed to be open and authentic and tell people who he really was. He told me that 20 years ago he had some Sexual encounters with men he’d met on line but they were meaningless and sordid. He stopped after some months because he found no worth in them and started hating himself. I am so shocked and hurt and betrayed. Now we are in lock down limbo. I’m reeling with shock. I’m devastated, grief stricken, hopeless, humiliated. I don’t know what my future looks like. I’m 56 now. I didn’t expect to be dealing with this huge catastrophe. I feel like I’m in hell and torment and agony. Cant sleep. Can’t eat. Have told my sister and one friend. He is the love of my life. It feels like my life is over.
- JoeC
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Re: I’m in hell
Amorgana, I am sorry you are going though this (you will hear that a lot), I am truly sorry I know how this feels. You are in the right place for support, many of us in fact probably most of us have been or are exactly where you are right now, exactly in the same place emotionally. You feelings are valid, your emotions are valid, you are not alone. We are here for you, together we find strength. What can we do for you?
Joe
- Amorgana
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Re: I’m in hell
Thank you JoeC. Your words are very kind. I am a pathetic weeping mess right now walking around the house like a demented ghost with tears plopping off my chin. Where do you turn to when this bomb has just gone off in your face? We haven’t yet told our children as my 19 year old daughter is stuck in lock down with us and I don’t think it’s fair to present her with this and she can’t get away from us. Also I’m frightened of telling them. It can’t be unsaid once it’s out there and I don’t know what will happen afterwards. My future has gone. We had so many plans for when he retired. Trips and excursions. We were excited about our life. But he couldn’t keep that side of him repressed any longer. He says he has a gay side and a straight side. He’s sexually attracted to women and he and I still have regular sex which he fully participates in. But he says he feels the gay side of him has been kept secret and repressed and he wants the opportunity to be open about who he is with everyone - wherever that may take him. He also loves me, wants us to stay married and be with each other, but to redefine our relationship whatever that means.
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Thread Starter- SoTheProcessBegins
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Re: I’m in hell
Amorgana, I feel for you situation. After about 9 months of feeling like we were drifting apart, my wife came out to me last Thursday that she is gay and there is someone else in her life who made realize this. Obviously I was devastated by this news; still am really. A close friend I spoke to soon after receiving the news gave me some advice that really helped shine some light into the dungeon of despair that was my mind, and I hope in sharing it with you it can do the same. He said, "your situation is much like getting lost in a city where you don't know, don't have a map, and can't understand the language. Maybe the only thing you really know is where you need to go but you might not even know that. So what do you? You start walking. Eventually you figure where you are and which direction your are going in. You'll figure the river runs east to southwest, this road runs north and south, the tallest building is in south of the large market, on and on". This helped me so much to hear this because it gave a sense that I can do something right now and that is to deal day by day, conversation by conversation, thought by thought.
Your spouse, owes it to you to answer all your questions (honestly!) and you deserve to ask. I found that that asking my spouse everything that was on my mind helped come to grips with not just reality of my situation, but the angst that builds up in my thoughts over time. Much like you, I was not able to sleep or eat of the better part of three days. Since, then I have taken to exercising as much as I can, meditation (the Headspace or Calm apps are excellent if you have never done this before), and speaking to loved ones. I felt just talking about my situation really helps unburden my thoughts; get them out of my head.
Amorgana, I hope this helps some. I truly feel for your situation. I can say that after a week of exhaustively searching this forums and the internet, I feel like there is one major commonality between all of our "straight spouse" predicaments, and that is that everyone says it gets better. You will not be in this forever, I wish the best.
- Rob
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Re: I’m in hell
You are in shock. I think we all remember it well. I walked into work white as a ghost and people asked me what was wrong.
I think the first thing to do is cut yourself a break and realize you cant solve all the problems this presents at once. Breath, maintain your routines,and status quo..i found that helped me maintain some reality and normality. For example there is no need to drag your daughter into this yet..Things will change sure. But normal status quo is comforting and familiar to kids.
Build your support system..youve taken some big first steps..ie posting here, telling your sister.
We love them but they hurt us..i dont know why they wait so long to hurt us. Best we can do is take care of ourselves and kids. Know that it is not forever..the future is unknown and different than what we imagined..but it can be so much better.
A distant ehug
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Amorgana
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Re: I’m in hell
Thank you Rob. Thank you So The Process Begins. It’s very helpful to me that you have reached out to comfort me. I feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and everything is very strange and unreal. I do not want this new reality. I want to go back to my old life. I have to try to be in the here and now and concentrate on getting through the next five minutes because anything more is too terrible and exhausting.
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Thread Starter- JoeC
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Re: I’m in hell
=10ptHere is something that I wished I realized early on, and it was important for me to understand this point. Its been easier for her to break and move on, and objectively rightly so. She was very cold, she didn't want to hurt me she said. She has been processing this and thinking about this for a very long time, a longer time than I know, a longer time than she will admit. She has been sitting with this feeling for 28 years and it took a crush, and then a relationship with a woman for her to actually confront who she was. She is free and spreading her wings, she has given up a lot in the process, and likely feels sad in many ways, yet it is different for her. She's processed this all for a long time. When we find out, we are at Zero, while they are many miles ahead. Our experiences are not the same.
- Amorgana
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Re: I’m in hell
Yes JoeC. This is so true. I now know my husband had been going over and over this with a counsellor for several months. I thought he was seeing him for stress at work. He said he had reached no conclusion other than he knew he had to tell me. But he is clearly further on in his thinking. I almost get the impression he is bewildered And somewhat taken aback by my huge outpouring of grief and shock and didn’t expect my reaction to be so catastrophic because he has moved on from the initial stages. I’m still at the starting blocks.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I’m in hell
It's not uncommon for our spouses, when they come out to us, to declare themselves to be in love with us still, and to want to stay married yet step out. It's also not uncommon for this to be the result of their fear or hesitation of fully embracing the sexuality they have repressed and denied. They want to, yet they're afraid to. And for some reason--a lack of empathy for our feelings? a feeling of entitlement for what they want?--they think we should be ok with their having both.
Your husband acted on his sexuality twenty years ago, and when he began to understand the reality of how his life would change and how much of a challenge it would be when he embraced life as a gay man, he retreated back to his safe life with you. Now he can no longer repress what he buried, and he wants again to figure out how to live that life. This time he's thinking he can be gay and have his hetero perfect seeming marriage, to have his cake and eat it, too.
You will have to decide whether you wish to be in a marriage in which you know that your husband is regularly having sex with men, and then coming home and expecting to continue to have sex with you. There are many uncertainties and dangers here: one, he may fall in love with one of his partners, and end the marriage to go and live with his new partner; two, he may bring home an STI and give it to you.
That your husband actually did engage in this behavior 20 years ago, and felt entitled to do so in secret and to endanger your health is a huge red flag. He has lied to you and deceived you over and over again many times a day about who he is.
Like many here, I know how you feel: that your marriage contract has been invalidated, the life you built dashed to ruins, and the future you worked so hard for and counted on stolen. I was also married to a man who buried his sexual longings in his career: long hours, disconnected from anything to do with maintaining a house, always chronically depressed or anxious, which are characteristics exhibited by a closeted or in-denial person. I was 61 when my now-ex came out to me. I finally left him when I was 64. I am now 66. I grieved the losses, and felt the pain, but I am here to tell you that you can have a good life that is different than the one you planned.
You didn't ask for advice, but I'm giving some: look up "trauma bonding," because that's what having sex with him is doing to you. Also, look up posts here on telling the children.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 4, 2020 1:27 pm)