Thanks for the replies everyone. It's interesting to see how everyone deals with it. I wish there was an instruction manual for this!

We can try to put every kind of pretty face on it we want to - it is STILL lipstick on a pig!

Hi Dutchman, 

To say every case is individual is of course accurate, and very much it is the case that those individual details make a telling difference, but there are also generalities.  It's not just the stuff we share with other animals like eating and breathing, for all the differences we have we are easily recognisable to each other as another human being.

I live in Australia.  When it was conquered by the British they made this legal document taking possession of 'terra nullius'. ie land that is uninhabited by humans.  It is shocking what an insult that is and our government has made a formal apology to the Aborigines in recent times.  Strong feelings, there is a lot to being human that we feel in commonality.  

It turns out the truth of the matter is more that the first ships that arrived were treated with friendly courtesy and in return the native people got bullied and cheated out of their land and eventually it became a war where it was guns against spears.  Broad picture, good meets bad but in the detail you learn the stories of the people and right from that first ship there were British people who responded gratefully and well and were wanting to have a good relationship with these people who had already been living here and doing well for a whole heap of time, can't remember but maybe 40,000 years?

I don't think Twisting meant keeping up appearances I think what she meant is a mixed orientation marriage is what it is - in my words, the inescapable discomfort is the sexual dis-attraction.

IMHHO, you can be as monogamous and even as faith-filled as you like.  It doesn't even make a difference whether you, as the straight knows or not - it does not ease it.  

And in commonality the discomfort intensifies over time.  How the discomfort expresses itself is one of those telling differences.

How people choose to live in their circumstances is very much their own choice - we are all having to cope with individual situations.
 

Last edited by lily (May 21, 2020 8:06 pm)

I think the telling cultural difference between the Aborigines and the English was guns.  The aborigines knew the land and had vastly superior numbers.  You can read up on the warrior Pemulwuy to get a feel for what it was like if you want.  There was a full on war fought over the Sydney basin and the English covered that up.  As they say, the history books belong to the victors but with time the truth emerges - it is recognised these days how bravely they fought.

Yes I understand you object to the notion but yeah.  It's there.  The irritant of sexual dis-attraction being felt down in the depths of you - it has to be there by definition - that's what it is, a mixed orientation marriage.

I remember how I would confide in my friend how I felt and she would say oh everyone has difficulties in their marriages and I would end up thinking how lucky I am, I'm not being beaten up or yelled at, our assets aren't being squandered on gambling.  And he does housework!  

I didn't know I was in a MOM, you do and have done for some time now, and it's clear you feel you and your wife have achieved a good outcome despite your initially painful reaction to the discovery.  I have no objection to you saying so!

all the best, Lily