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1 - jkpeace
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Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
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Last edited by jkpeace (April 13, 2017 8:30 pm)
- Kel
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
Yes JK, sometimes they do realize they've had their head up their ass (or someone else's - hah!). And sometimes when they start confronting who they are and what they've done, they quickly retreat back into the lies again - because it's easier than feeling crappy every day. So while this might be real, it also might be real temporary. Just know that the truth doesn't depend on what he thinks, and keep strong no matter what his behavior is.
As for living together post disclosure, it's.... HARD. REAL hard. It's easier when it's just the two of you though, vs. trying to act all normal and nice in front of kids. Establish some boundaries - like no, I won't be making dinner for "us", or sleeping separate, or deciding how bills will be handled so you don't have to keep interacting over it every month, etc. If he's an ex, then he is essentially a roommate. And roommates get along best with boundaries and when not being overly involved in each other's lives.
Best of luck -
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Dee
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
JK,
Your story is heartbreaking. Wishing all of you strength to get through these coming months.
- Keepinghope
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
JK, yes. This is the hardest thing, the cruelest thing to understand and deal with. It will be a part of who we are the rest of our lives, I think.
I'm concerned about the children of these marriages because their instincts must tell them something is wrong but it's not being discussed. Secrets are not good. Even my grown children and step children were harmed by essentially being lied to by their dad/stepdad. It split apart our extended family completely. Yes, heartbreaking.
Love those kids all you can, and love yourself. Really that's all we can do, and all that really matters.
- Kel
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
JK,
Please know that I am NOT judging you. If things are going as well as they can considering the circumstances, then that's a good thing. You're not doing it "wrong" - you're doing what works for you. I too had to live with my ex for over a year and a half after I said I wanted a divorce. It took him from January to August to agree with me that we needed to end the marriage. Then it took him an entire year more to move out. He had no job - was in school. His mother lived with us and was his only relative in-state. I felt strongly that I'd rather have him take a long time to get out than to have him leave and bounce back again. It was hell, but I couldn't see another way around it without becoming a person that I didn't want to be - one that kicked him out without regard for his general well-being. I wished him no ill will - I just wanted to move on. I was done and I wanted my life to reflect that. Know that I've been in your shoes, and I get it. I am not judging you. I was only trying to say that while you can be happy for good changes, also please set your expectations low that they'll last. Then you can celebrate every day that you have that gift.
I only wish the best for you -
Kel
Last edited by Kel (September 23, 2016 9:28 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Rob
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
Jk,
I just tried to not be home if my lezex was home. She was so cruel I did not want to be near here.
But I let her stay as long as she needed even after the divorce..all while she raged and screamed at me. She was architect of her situation.. I was kind and humane.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Bob
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
JK, I think you are in a similar position to the one I was in, however I only had to live with my STBX (now actually ex) for about 5 weeks after disclosure, and about 3-4 after we decided the marriage was over.
I understand perfectly what you mean when you say 'it feels odd'. Living with someone you know intimately well, but suddenly don't know. This new distance that wasn't there before, and then trying to work out what the new relationship is to make things work.
I'm afraid I can't give much guidance on how to get through this in a longer term situation - in mine we had a holiday booked (cancelled, obviously) and we used that time off to sort through all the stuff in the house and split it between us. The time we lived together but separate was only until that holiday, so it was time limited.
I do understand as well however about your STBX 'trying to be kind'. My ex was very kind to me, as kind as she could be, as she knew I was hurting and struggling with the situation. I am very grateful to her for being so at that time, and that we were able to part amicably as I was in a bad place and didn't always conduct myself as I would have wished.
I think your mix of days sounds perfectly normal - it is a rollercoaster of emotions and you will be up and down.
I would say - give yourself the benefit of the doubt. This is a hard enough situation to be in already, you don't need to put any unnecessary pressure on yourself - don't give yourself a hard time or waste any energy on 'am I doing this right'. To me your posts read that you have a pretty good grip on things.
Stay strong - you're doing great.
Bob
- Bob
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
You're welcome - those words hide some sins for me, which I'm not proud of. Nothing terrible - I'm not violent or anything like that - mainly things I could have said better, things I shouldn't have said, situations I could have handled better and so on.
Thing is though, I'm human and so are you - we are emotional creatures and you have been badly hurt! It's OK to blow up at your husband, and it was OK for me to be an arse because that's a natural reaction. The difference is that it is not done in spite - you're not actively trying to hurt the other person, you're not being malicious, you're just hurt and that can mean you lash out.
From what you've written you are keeping your kids at the front of your mind, which is good. I was lucky (in a way) that I don't have any kids so was able to be quite selfish. It must be terribly hard to work to maintain their routine while trying to go through this trauma - there are others who will give much better advice on this forum about doing this with kids than I can so I won't try, I'll just say you have my respect for such a difficult job.
You will have peaks and troughs through this - but you will get through. Try not to kick yourself too much for your flareup - I know that's hard to do, but you should forgive yourself when things are tough. As time goes on, the peaks and troughs will get further apart, and level out.
Funnily enough I felt a bit of low a few days ago when I realised it had been a year since my ex came out to me, and I was cross with myself that it got me down on what was a lovely sunny day. Fortunately I had a day off, so I said to my girlfriend I was going to take it easy, I put my feet up and read my book all morning and lost myself in the story. When I stopped reading I'd forgotten I'd felt low in the morning, and actually had a really great afternoon. When I went to bed I realised with a bit of a jolt that I'd forgotten about the low mood all day, and gave myself a little pat on the back for handling it well.
What I mean is that the rollercoaster gets easier - eventually you even forget you were ever on it.
All the very best
Bob
- Rob
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
Bob, well said.
Jk, yeah we have high and low days..even after divorced as Bob described. We have to remind ourselves not to be so hard on ourselves. The pain, hurt, guilt we feel is because we are caring authentic humans. We are not gods, demi-gods, or saints...the last one being debatable I think.
The money my lezex spent during the divorce was mind boggling..i even paid for a lot of it. If there is one thing I regret is not that I held my tongue (else I become a devil like her) but that I could use some of that money now. But then again..I would have paid everything I had to get away from her and her abuse..
Don't beat yourself up. Guilt has no use for us. You were reacting to the childish behavior of your STBX and his warped reality. Always we have to pick up the pieces. And I think the kids if they even remember it will recall a mom with fierce love of the family. When i recall my parents fighting I don't recall either being disloyal to us the kids. I'm still reeling from the disloyalty to the family unit my lezex thinks was somehow morally right.
Small steps forward..always forword.
PS. I collectively refer to my 1.5 years living in the same house while divorcing my gay ex as my years in hell. Always remember it is a season..a valley..but it is not forever.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Steve
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Re: Sometimes, the gay spouse tries to understand
1.5 years! My god!! I went insane in 3 months.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.