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1 - UserNada
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When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
My wife recently came out as bisexual (but mostly straight). She wants monogamy and says she has never done anything physical with a woman before. I believe her. However, though masturbated to women for years, she was never really willing to admit to herself that she had a genuine attraction to women. In discussing it with her at length over months and sharing the stories here, she came to realize that her attraction was real and not to be taken lightly - that it posed a genuine threat to our marriage and that she was being unfaithful to me in masturbating to women in secret.
Now, we are trying to move on. In so doing, we realize and agree that we must keep a bead on her desires and friendships. I told her about all the friends and coworkers of women who turned into lovers or crushes over the course of months or years, based on physical desire or just emotional attachment. She wants to prevent herself from getting blind sided and falling for a woman (claiming she has never crushed on a woman before in her life). Still, she wants to be more self-critical and contemplate her interests, desires, and feelings more thoroughly going forward. Be more honest with me and herself about what she wants.
So, we are coming up with questions to ask every six months or so. Questions for her to read and thoughtfully consider and answer for herself so that she can reflect on her attraction to women and her female friends to make sure she doesn't allow herself to betray me and deny it is happening (to herself and me) while she does it. I am looking for suggestions on questions.
Here is an example:
"Are there any female friends I do not want to spend time with my husband or discuss with him?"
"Have I fantasized about or stared at any women I know (kids friends parents, coworkers, vendors, personal friends)?"
See what I mean? Please give me your suggestions on questions she could ask herself that would help her to prevent falling prey to her own bisexual desires and committing emotional or physical adultery.
Also, if you have any suggestions for questions to see if one's sexual attraction for the same sex is increasing, I would appreciate hearing those too. My wife doesn't believe she has a real interest (even if she weren't with me) in acting on her desires with a real physical woman (like, not even going to a strip club) and that masturbating to women in fantasy was all it was. There were a handful of incidents where she can recall being attracted to women in her presence, but that she didn't actually have a drive to touch them or imagine doing anything with them. To me, this sounds crazy, but it is better for me if she doesn't really want women (I am no woman).
Thank you!
- TangledOil
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
My husband describes things somewhat similarly. I think initially when he revealed himself the thought of “fun” with a man sounded good. Almost immediately after his revelation Covid 19 came up and he used the thought of that fun as a distraction from the coronavirus issue. I offered him a weekend in the future, because I felt I had nothing to lose, to test it out. Well, he was very uncomfortable with that thought once presented to him in reality. He said the fantasy is great and he knows the reality wouldn’t live up and it would likely ruin us too. He said the prospect of actually being with a man was “really scary.” Needless to say, I’m glad it all went as it did. I’m not worried about any of my husband’s male friends. He doesn’t meet new people often at all and he’s always with a group of coworkers or family members.
- UserNada
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
Tangled, thanks for keeping the thread alive. Can anyone give me any ideas to my original post? I am really looking for feedback, particularly from men who lost their wives to SSA or women who are SSA. Thank you!
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Thread Starter- OneDayAtATime
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
UserNada,
Does your wife have a questionnaire about your attraction to other women for you to fill out every month as well? Or do you feel that because you have her, that makes it impossible to cheat on her?
It would be a great idea to focus together on a couple on what you DO want, instead of focusing on a problem you don’t have. If you’re going to do something monthly, why not make it a really fun date that you both want to check off your bucket list? Some way to experience each other on a deeper level or in a different way, something to make fun memories.
- UserNada
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
OneDayAtATime wrote:
UserNada,
Does your wife have a questionnaire about your attraction to other women for you to fill out every month as well? Or do you feel that because you have her, that makes it impossible to cheat on her?
The personal audit of her feelings were inspired by two things - 1) She was masturbating to women for years, yet denying to herself she was attracted to them. She let her sexual orientation desires effectively turn off her reason, fidelity, critical thinking, and self-image. She pursued what she wanted sexually, while denying to herself that she was even doing it. She lied about it extensively, to me and to herself. She was in serious denial for years. She minimized her desires and her behavior numerous times. Like "I started doing it in 2016" Then, she is shocked to find her porn stash goes back to 2014. She thought she did it once, then not again for a year. We find the first porn stash and a journal entry indicate she did it at least five times in the first month alone. Realizations like this shocked her. She realized how very much she was minimizing, relabeling, and denying it all to HERSELF. It also scared her to realize just how much she was willing to lie to me in order to keep from admitting the truth to me and herself. The list of "holy shit. I have issues" moments were numerous and all involved this acting without thinking, conveniently not remembering promises or denied behavior/feelings. She realized herself that she has the capacity to live in her own version of reality, lie to herself, and fail to really contemplate her own thoughts and behaviors or their impacts on others (particularly when it comes to her attraction for women),
2-The phenomena of women falling for female coworkers, friends, and such later in life is disturbingly common. What's more, these women, not infrequently, would have told they were straight just a few years before the affair and believed it themselves. She and I both read accounts of how women (bisexuals and latent lesbians) will come to form these emotional bonds with this other woman and then leave or withdraw from their previously happy marriage. The stories here all reinforce this possibility. Since my wife and I both realize that not only does this sort of thing happen, but that it happens a lot to women in their late 30s to 60s, but we also both realized that this could happen to her and she could just minimize, deny, and lie to herself in order to pursue/support the relationship with another woman - right up until she was in love or doing it with her.
My wife, I am very sad to say, has a demonstrably powerful ability to relabel, deny, and not consider what she is doing when it would be disruptive to her desires to do so. On the plus side, she has come to realize this shortcoming and thinks she needs to "check-in" with herself and make sure she is not doing that anymore with regard to her sexual attraction to women generally or a woman in particular in her life - because she doesn't want to hurt me again, she doesn't want to be cognitively dissonant again, and she loves me and our life together.
UserNada,
Does your wife have a questionnaire about your attraction to other women for you to fill out every month as well? Or do you feel that because you have her, that makes it impossible to cheat on her?
It would be a great idea to focus together on a couple on what you DO want, instead of focusing on a problem you don’t have. If you’re going to do something monthly, why not make it a really fun date that you both want to check off your bucket list? Some way to experience each other on a deeper level or in a different way, something to make fun memories.
Do I have a list of questions like that? No. Why not? I am not and never have been at all in denial about my attractions or behavior. I have a demonstrated ability to control myself. I have many years of knowing that women I am sexually attracted to (at work or old friends) pose a risk to my wife and family. I recognize them as threats, because I know my incentives are there to pursue them. On the other hand, see, my wife could foster a relationship with a female coworker that gets increasingly personal, close, and, perhaps after years, loving or sexual - and deny during the entire first half of the relationship that the possibility of it going too far even exists. She would not make this mistake with a male coworker. She is aware of the sexual/romantic possibility and wouldn't let it go very far. For example, my wife was sick a few weeks back and a female coworker she works with called her that night to see how she was doing. My wife thought that it was a sweet thing to do, said she was fine, they chatted for a bit,and that was all. At the time of the call, my wife had already agreed that, since she recognized she has a sexual attraction to women she should receive compliments, jokes, touches, calls, and texts from women in the same posture she would accept them from men. So, I asked my wife if she would have had the same mental response to a male coworker. She realized that she wouldn't have. Her guard would have been up a bit more and she would have thought "why did he call me? He knows I have a husband at home to take care of me. Why would he call as though my well being were important enough to call? does he like me? Is he trying to show a personal interest?" However, since the call was from a woman, her guard was completely dropped. She just isn't used to having her attraction to women being part of her identify. Her attraction to men is and her awareness of it helps to keep her from screwing up her marriage or having an affair. We want her attraction to women to be sufficiently on her mind that she can control it and not forget that it poses a threat to the marriage we want.
It would be a great idea to focus together on a couple on what you DO want, instead of focusing on a problem you don’t have. If you’re going to do something monthly, why not make it a really fun date that you both want to check off your bucket list? Some way to experience each other on a deeper level or in a different way, something to make fun memories.
You are right about this. We are focusing more on our relationship and trying to rebuild trust and love.
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Thread Starter- OneDayAtATime
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
Ahh, ok, that makes a lot more sense. Thank you for the clear and thorough answers. I can understand that attention from women could totally slip under her radar.
I wish you and your wife all the best, it sounds like you’ve really had some deep heart to hearts during this time, and I hope it all just helps you be closer in the long run.
- TwistingInTheWind
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
This guy is a total nut case. The wife needs to run like her life depended on it - IT DOES!
- Abby
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
I wouldn't go so far as TwistinginTheWind has but I do have serious concerns for the wife. It sounds to me as if she is being encouraged to avoid friendships with both sexes because, being bi, she might end up being sexually attracted to a woman or a man and thus jeopardize their marriage. (As I recall he led her to the realization that she is "bi" which to me was a previous red flag.)
Expecting her to avoid contacts with both sexes lest she become sexually attracted to someone other than him makes this is not a marriage of equals but one in which she is isolated and controlled by him. I hope that she has family that she can maintain regular contact with and who are not seen by him as a
threat - and that she can be comfortable confiding in them what is going on in her life. The dynamics here may be unhealthy.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- lily
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
Yes, every so often I find myself feeling sorry for the gay one - 'I don't care if you're a lesbian. you're going to stay here and be my wife'. When UserNada first arrived he was telling us she was the love of his life so I am hoping that this is just him in the middle of the painful process of acknowledging one's spouse is gay and things will improve. They have 3 small children to care for in the middle of this.
- UserNada
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Re: When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask
This guy is a total nut case. The wife needs to run like her life depended on it - IT DOES!
This is supposed to be a place to seek support and guidance. I asked for help and you personally insult me. Are you sure you understand the purpose of this website?
If you think you understand my wife's personal intuitions better than she does and think the idea she has to be more contemplative about her thoughts, actions, and desires is foolish, you can say so without insulting me. You could say, "I am concerned that your wife may become afraid to form friendships with women if she is worried about falling in love with them."
I would reply with "That's a valid concern which we also share. The point of this is not to avoid friendships, but to not allow her perception of her sexuality as "mostly straight" to allow her to ignore the possibility of falling in love or getting a crush on a woman (a mistake she has trained herself not to make with a man). Have the friends, just be able to know when it could go to far (infidelity territory)."
Am I and my wife alone in the world for thinking about our relationships with men and women as more or less safe to our marriage based in part on our sexual desires or proclivity to find emotional, sexual, and romantic bonds with one sex over the other? I mean, come on! Do you really take a handsome male neighbor dropping by unexpectedly to go for walk with you with the EXACT same response mentally as a pretty female neighbor doing the same thing? Well, I imagine the answer is no. Even if you trust both of them to be not interested in you, you are still aware of your own desires being stronger for one over the other and may effect what you say, whether you say yes or no, whether you want to make it a habit, whether you would want to become close friends, etc. That is because you are aware of your desires, motives, and thoughts when it comes to your attraction to men vs women and your interests on acting on them. Anyone with the capacity to fall for either a man or a woman shouldn't pretend they CAN'T fall in love with one or the other. That would be a recipe for disaster.
Infidelity is frequently a consequence of not controlling your opportunities to screw up. If a married man finds his secretary hot, he just shouldn't go out drinking with her after the big case. If you have a crush on your neighbor, don't start calling him on weekends to talk about your personal life.
I want to reiterate, this is my wife's idea. She wants to better understand herself and not allow some part of her sexuality to start calling the shots without her being aware of it.
In reading a lot about infidelity, I was surprised to see that the betraying spouse frequently doesn't have a reason why they did it. The answer is, usually, they "just weren't thinking" and "didn't want to consider what they were doing". Well, we learn from other people's errors, including some of the stories here, where wives and husbands seemed to go from loving to off the bisexual deep end without a second thought or really recognizing what they were doing BEFORE they did it.
It is not "nuts" to want to know yourself better. My wife isn't crazy for wanting to do so. And I am not nuts for conveying her concerns here.
Last edited by UserNada (May 17, 2020 8:04 pm)
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