Good evening everyone,
I hope you are all doing well and staying safe and healthy. I truly hope your journeys in healing are progressing at record speeds even in these most challenging times of the pandemic.
I’m doing ok, not great but working lots and keeping busy. Just as I was about to leave my husband lost his job due to the Oil & Gas situation in Canada. He is still going to the park of course, with more time on his hands than ever. I am in the final stage of my marriage, I guess you can say I’m setting the stage. In an attempt to understand his mindset and hoping to have him pull the plug,  we had a conversation last night that just led to more deflection, vagueness, ‘in time’ is his go-to answer for everything.
Still there is no affection, he won’t sleep in bed with me (which is good of course), sees me naked after a shower and closes the door on me instead of chasing me around the bedroom.It’s such a horrible feeling to feel unwanted, uncared for and utterly undesirable. I know all of you can relate and have been through this nightmare as well. I feel so duped, stupid, naive and just need a simple hug right now, but he won’t come near me. He’s a stone. He has no love for me, and this is just so shocking to me.
It won’t be long now, but even knowing everything I do, it is still just the hardest thing to leave. Especially when he is saying that we are ‘getting there’ and ‘it will all be ok in time’. This isn’t what I signed up for and I’m having a very hard time processing the deceit. I agree with you all and I won’t mention what I know about his double life,  while I’m in the house. I’m wanting that ‘gotcha’ moment that I probably will never have. Especially if I want him to be cooperative in the divorce, it would be wise to not bring up the big, exploding elephant in the room. It’s absurd and crazy to me that the very reason that we are going to part, is something that we will never be able to discuss honestly. I asked him once last year if he was gay and he has never forgiven me for it.
My psychologist, friends and family are very supportive and ready to help anytime. Now I’m here, trying to find the strength to end my marriage, the marriage that wasn’t even a true marriage, that is just killing me. I know I have to go asap but have any of you struggled with the final step out the door? It’s something I never thought I’d have to do, once again. This will be my second divorce and I’m mortified and unable to process it all.
The conversation I need to have, to tell him I’m leaving, is going to be horrific, I just know it. I guess that is why it’s taking me so long. I’m grieving the loss of a marriage that never was.

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to update you and let you know that I left my husband last Thursday. He was out of town for a day and I packed up and my kids helped me move out.
Leaving the house was the hardest thing, I didn’t realize how hard that last step would be. It broke my heart that my kids had to come and rescue me from such an abusive relationship. They were my guardian angels, so supportive and good to me.
My ex doesn’t know that I have all of the information on his down low activities. I had to pretend for 5 weeks that things were normal because I was very scared of his reaction. I didn’t like leaving the way I did but I had no choice. It was do or die at that point. I left him a note that said “I’ve tried, but I can’t make you love me the way a husband should love his wife”
That was it.
During the last days at the house he had been blaming me and gaslighting in the worst way. Saying that I was a turn off because I’m so proud and arrogant, saying that we need to be accountable for our actions, be involved in a church community blah blah blah. I’m not authentic and sincere, that my words me nothing because my actions don’t back them up. I just listened and watched this narcissist play with my self esteem, my womanhood. It was horrendous the way he talked to me and how he has no respect for his wife.
I’m living with my daughter now and I’m safe and hopeful for a new future. I don’t know when I’ll have the opportunity to tell him my intel. Of course I want to but that could create a whole lot of trouble since this is the biggest lie he’s been hiding his entire life and isn’t going to happy about what I know.
He played me, he’s a manipulator...there are no words for how this has all turned out. It’s so hard to process the deceit and lies. I don’t know how and why he does this. It doesn’t matter, it’s on him but I wonder if and when there will be the chance to speak my truth.
I hope you are all keeping well and safe. Many blessings to you and I pray that our hearts will heal and be strong again. Going through this nightmare has been traumatic and we’ll be rebuilding our lives and trying to make sense of life again.
All in vain, just because we wanted to love someone and build a future together.
How do you come to terms with the betrayal and sickness in lying and cheating everyday? I’m sure it’s the tip of the iceberg, that I don’t even know the worst of it all. And that’s probably a good thing.
I have lots of support, I’m surrounded by friends and family that are there for me 100%.
Thank you again for writing and sharing your stories and advice. It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone.

Last edited by Simpatica (May 24, 2020 12:59 am)

Simpatica,

That took strength..  I bet you feel safer. 

The behavior you describe with him blaming you etc is what we call "the narrative" here.  The lack of reality in his story or narrative...his blame based on your reaction to his behavior..it will drive one insane..it feels evil or diabolical..   My GX's method also was to become angry and scream her lies..that would make them true.  Her conviction frightened me..her thinking I was so ignorant of the truth frightened me, her feeling that it was ok to treat me this way ...that frightened me.

The feeling of safety ..of pure physical and mental safety is a priceless thing.  Try not to think about why it had to come to this.
It is pomp and circumstance..he knew what he is/was doing had consequences..  Deep in their core i truly believe they know.

Don't be surprised if he becomes meaner and more angry. Know that they will always tell their story.regardless of how much it hurts you.. .and that lie, more than any evidence, tells you all you need to know.


Kind wishes on your new journey

Last edited by Rob (May 24, 2020 6:24 am)

   Congratulations on getting out and getting safe.  I'm so glad your children were willing to help you when you needed them.  It's a huge step to take, I know, to leave.  You can be sure that your soon-to-be-ex knows why you left, even if he says nothing.  Once you're divorced, and he has nothing to hold over your head, you can decide whether/when you speak your truth.  In the meantime, others around you know the truth, and are supporting you, and that will help sustain you through the divorce process.
  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 24, 2020 7:12 am)

Simpatica,

I am so happy for you.  That scourge is out of your life forever.

Focus on the goal of divorce & getting the assets that belong to you.  Cease all communication. Anything you relay to him after leaving can be used by him/his attorney to gain the upper hand during divorce negotiations.  Delete all social media accounts & don’t look at his.

I know this was painful & difficult. Am glad you have the love of your family and friends.