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1 of 1- Ellexoh_nz
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Mental Heath Awareness
There's a lot of awareness and care about mental health in New Zealand at the moment, although as far as I'm concerned it's something I'm aware of every day having just spent 5 days in Australia with my son who is going through his own challenges with depression and anxiety.
This morning on a morning tv show there was an interview with 2 transpeople about the lack of awareness and support for non-binary people.....and I simply wanted to scream at the tv. Both people being interviewed were old enough to have shattered the lives of wives, husbands, boy/girlfriends....family! and I wondered if they were other straightspouses gritting their teeth and seething at their tv like me.
This is why the straightspouse stays back in the shadows. Nobody ever mentions those who may have been hurt along the way, those who need that mental health awareness because their mental burden is so heavy that to add another layer of it....by specifically identifying the pain.....is too great.
My heart is heavy today
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 24, 2019 1:38 pm)
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- Anon2222
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Re: Mental Heath Awareness
I've been perusing some of the older posts and I agree with you. I do think there is a complete disregard for the mental health of the straight spouse. I'm actually amazed by how callous people are.
I am seeing a therapist for anxiety/depression. Started months before this happened. Then this all came to light and I started talking to her about this. She told me I was lucky to be in the position I am in, that it is way harder to be my husband. That I can "walk away" and he can't.
Saw two couples therapists. One told me that everything that my husband did was normal and I was being unreasonable. The second one I told her this was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. It took everything for me to confess it all, and I was humiliated just letting it all out. And she said "so what? What's the big deal?" Then she made a joke about how my husband and I have something in common, we both like men. I was shell shocked. I couldn't believe my heart break was reduced to a crass joke.
When I brought this up with my own therapist, she told me I wasn't ready for couples counselling, as the therapists were all saying the right things, I just wasn't at the point where I could listen.
I have never felt so dismissed and irrelevant in my life. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through and my feelings are being dismissed.
What is keeping us together is my husband does not agree with any of this. So, there's that. But I honestly can't see going to counselling again. I am absolutely amazed at the disregard for the "other" spouse.
Last edited by Anon2222 (May 10, 2020 5:06 pm)
- lily
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Re: Mental Heath Awareness
My father used to say that the people who became counsellors and psychiatrists are the people seeking help for themselves.
I don't think it was a kind or fair thing to say but it has something doesn't it. My counsellor turned out to be a bisexual, already divorced. At least she wasn't as darned rude as your therapists, all of them. Actually she was quite helpful because she suggested to me that I ask my ex if he were bisexual rather than gay and that worked.
I did try another therapist, I didn't find out anything really about her, I was so put off by her attitude I cut short and left before she could suck any more dollars out of me.
There is some instinct at work - it's not just the intimate sexual aspect it is social - the straight spouse is scorned. Nothing you can do about it other than try not to take it too personally as it is just an instinctive response on a basic level and not about who you are in full as a person. When you have met enough straight spouses and listened to enough stories here you are likely to reach the same conclusion as me - straight spouses are amongst the best, strongest, kindest, wisest people there are.
We do not deserve the treatment we get. It's like we're socially gaslighted!
- Leslie77
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Re: Mental Heath Awareness
A dear friend of mine is a retired therapist. She told me "there's a lot of bad counselors out there." Based on my own experiences, I would tend to agree. The marriage counselor my husband and I went to for three months told us it was normal for him to dress up like a woman and go out in public and I would just have to learn to live with it. I would come back from the weekly sessions and spend the rest of the day crying. Then he went to his own counselor, a gay man, who said he thought I was a jerk and my husband should do whatever he wanted to do.
When I finally got up the courage to seek my own therapist, I went to a large practice and spent an hour going over my situation with a case manager. I told her I wasn't going to see anyone who would not be sympathetic. I didn't want to waste my money to hear that I should just go along and get over it. It took awhile, but I was assigned to a compatible therapist.
There are good mental health counselors out there - they're just not easy to find, in my experience.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Mental Heath Awareness
Anon2222 wrote:
......What is keeping us together is my husband does not agree with any of this........
Anon....
When I went to one therapist....who dealt specifically with sexual orientation....I came away with the overall impression that he was telling me that I should "let him be authentic" I never saw this counsellor again because it was obvious he wasn't going to help me get myself through this Mindfuck....he was going 'help me' see I needed to let my partner be authentic.
"dismissed and irrelevant" is a good description of how I felt as well. When your life is turned upside down you don't need people telling you what you need to do....you need somebody who will guide you through a conversation that will allow you to ask yourself questions and enable you to make decisions based on your own values & choices.
Until you find a counselor/therapist you know has your best outcome as their priority your mental well-being will continue to suffer. And of course your husband is going to agree with you (that the therapists were no good?) he has a vested interest in keeping everything calm.
Elle
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Mental Heath Awareness
MINDFUCK - YES IT IS!
Hey there Twisting 
are you okay?
Talk to us
Elle
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Thread Starter