That is what I'm struggling with. I am a very private person. When your spouse comes out as bisexual to others, it feels like they are being told something personal about your sex life. To me, I honestly don't see why this is necessary. Why you have to include others in something that is personal between a man and his wife. 

Of course, my spouse sees it as support and acceptance from others to be able to come out as who he is. But he is fine waiting for me to have time to process and come to terms with it first. 

It's just something I am struggling with and was wondering if anyone else feels the same? Sometimes I feel like this whole process is making me go crazy. 

Hi Annon,

Of course, my spouse sees it as support and acceptance from others to be able to come out as who he is. But he is fine waiting for me to have time to process and come to terms with it first. 

This seems like a sensible way to go about it. 

In the first couple of years after my wife came out as lesbian, she/we only told very good friends (and some family members). That was helpful because sometimes it's necessary to be able to talk to someone you trust. Even when they don't fully understand what it's like to be in a MOM, it's good to have an outlet. It's indeed a private matter, but it shouldn't be like a 'dark secret'. The latter would unjustly imply shame and rejection, while it would be much healthier to feel accepted just the way she is (most importantly by me, but also by good and trusted friends).

Years later, after we worked things out and found ourselves in a good and stable situation in our marriage, my wife wanted to come out to a broader group (in our church) and with my full support to do so. The reason was that she found it problematic not to be able to be open about herself, certainly among people where there should be trusted and acceptance among each other.
In the months leading up, we worked together on the speech my wife would give in church, and this brought us even closer together. We were a bit fearful of possible negative reactions (religion and homosexuality not always mix well). But for us it was: "hey, we do nothing wrong. My wife can't help it she has her sexual orientation. We love each other, live a monogamous marriage and are true to our vows. We have nothing to be ashamed of".
It went very well, not a single negative reaction followed, on the contrary, there was much support and understanding.

Coming out doesn't have to mean marching on pride week, and/or acting out. Nor does coming-out imply that he/she is going to act upon the bisexuality, or advertising to be in the market. But knowing to be accepted by a select group of people that matter, is very important.
We always made it clear that our goal was to go for our marriage, and no 'open relation' or things like that. So nobody would suggest going to experiment, live out etc. Our friends supported our choice, though initially they were worried it would eventually fail. But... we succeeded, and they share our joy we left the troublesome years behind.

We have four children (we are now 15 years after my wife came out and nearly 35 years married). About two year after my wife came out, we told our children (teenagers) what our situation was (adjusted to their age and capability to understand). It was necessary to tell them, because they saw mom and dad talking a lot, and regularly were asked to play/stay in their room when we needed more time to talk. 
But to them it was a non issue, they just asked: "you are going to stay together?" That was by far the most important thing to them. We assured them, and they went about their lives as usual.
Later when they were older (some married and with kids of their own), we explained more about what happened in our marriage. They have much respect for the decisions we made. 

Sometimes I feel like this whole process is making me go crazy. 

At first it's very much turmoil and an emotional roller coaster. I know, and I think most experience it that way.
But if you both go about it with love, determination and common sense (learn, communicate and make right choices), things will become easier and better.
If you get upset by negative stories, don't feel you necessarily have to apply it to your own situation. It solely depends on the people involved and choices made. There are enough successful Moms's, also of the monogamous kind.
You're not married to the spouses mentioned in those negative stories. Focus on your husband, the man he is, the personality he has, the choices he makes. The same goes for you. 

I advise you to seek positive support, that aligns with the goal you both have for your marriage. At first, we also had trouble to find the proper support, but when we did it sure helped us a lot.

What a great post Dutchman!  I'm so glad you are sharing your experience and advice to those here who have decided to remain committed to their marriage.  Thanks so much!

Anon2222 wrote:

 I also have that fear - that a bi person is just lying to themselves and is really gay - but all the therapists I have talked to say this is not true. That a person who is truly bi (and not lying to themselves) does not progress to becoming gay. That only those who are not being honest about it do (and they knew already they were gay, just didn't want to accept it). 

Idk of course but from the look of it, intersex people can have a tough time working themselves out but bisexual - it looks a lot easier.  You could try asking him who he would fantasise about if he needed to masturbate.
 

Last edited by lily (April 27, 2020 4:16 pm)