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April 24, 2020 6:51 pm  #1

He won’t admit he’s gay

I’m currently stuck with my husband in our house with our two children dealing with this pandemic and it’s making me feel even crazier than I did before, so I wanted to reach out just to get a perspective from others.

Our marriage started going downhill when I was pregnant with our second kid. We’d planned and tried for this child and yet my husband acted like he was unhappy with the pregnancy. He did none of the kind things he did for my first pregnancy, and had no interest in appointments or anything. At the same time, he’s begun texting and being on the phone at all hours and changed the password on his phone. I became unable to see his Facebook friends list or posts. He chose to go on a week long conference, adding extra days he claimed were for the conference but hundreds of pictures were posted by his coworkers of him sight seeing those days (their pictures were public), The extra days had caused him to miss the birthday trip I had planned for him and had to reschedule so he could go do those tourist things with the coworker I was suspicious of. He spent the trip staying out until 2am getting drunk and refused to answer my calls to tuck our kids in. He refused to FaceTime me at night and I think someone was in his hotel room. Shortly after that trip, that coworker announced her divorce. My husband started coming home late from work, he went out with a friend a few times and came home several hours late each time. I was positive he was having an affair with that female coworker.

By December, our second kid’s first birthday, I was ready to make it through Christmas and then try to figure things out. He was constantly picking fights and then choosing to sleep on the couch, never wanting physical contact. One night, I went downstairs and found him asleep with his phone and it was buzzing in a way that wasn’t a text alert. A notification on his screen said he had a message from a man on a  hookup site.

I used my computer to login (the notification had his username and he’s dumb and uses the same password for stuff except the social media he wanted to hide from me). His profile said he’s bisexual and a message board showed he’d posted plans to meet random men in a park near our home for sex. His profile showed it was created 6 days after our second child was born and he’d been on it an entire year.

I felt like a complete idiot. Years ago, when we were dating, there was a folder with gay porn and more on his laptop. He convinced me it was a weird prank from his coworkers and because I’d seen super weird pranks from them before, and because I wanted to believe him- I did. I think this may have been going on our entire relationship without me realizing it or wanting to believe it.

He keeps begging for me to forgive him and came up with one story after another. His phone was hacked, he was never on that site, then he was confused and questioning for a minute and created the account but then never used it and must have accidentally opened it that night, and the account was hacked and someone posted those things who hacked him, etc. He also drove himself into financial ruin secretly racking up $15,000 in credit card debt and more without telling me. So I’ve spent these months trying to sort things out financially so we can part ways. Then the pandemic hit when we’d made progress.

Every chance he gets, he is telling me I’m paranoid, overly suspicious, not trusting my own husband, misunderstood the situation, not trying hard enough to save our marriage for the sake of our kids. That he’d never marry me or have kids with me if he was attracted to men. That he is Christian and tough and was in the military and is black and could never be gay and it should be obvious to me he’s not gay. It’s like he believes the stereotypes about men who are gay and doesn’t want to be seen that way. But I believe he’s gay and he’s driving me insane trying to convince me I’m wrong and I’m the bad person here.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to believe at this point and I guess just needed to get this long vent out.


April 25, 2020 12:41 am  #2

Re: He won’t admit he’s gay

well I'm guessing that just writing all that out has clarified things somewhat.  Hope so, confusing isn't it.

Denial doesn't mean doesn't know it means not telling - he knows what he's doing, he's just not admitting it to you.  He has run up a debt.  He is not acting in any way like a responsible adult let alone parent so you need to protect yourself financially and medically. 

My ex got extra friendly with a female co-worker right when I was starting to look a bit confident and strong and ready to move.  I didn't care tbh I was so over him by then but I was a bit worried for her because she was a nice woman.

Do I think your husband is gay, yes of course I think he is gay.  Look after yourself, look for someone you can talk to about this.  Family member if possible.  Stay calm and friendly with him if you can, just remember he is giving you a lot of denial and no answers and this is not likely to change.

This is incredibly hard to deal with, it takes time and it is lots of emotions one after the other but it does get better with time.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (April 25, 2020 12:42 am)


April 25, 2020 10:37 am  #3

Re: He won’t admit he’s gay

(Sorry for the wall of text. Maybe I'm getting cabin-fever from isloating at home [img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img])
Even if he were straight, he's not a partner. (Research gaslighting).

From what you've written it appears he
- has no interest in family things, or at least ones with you. (You haven't said how he interacts with the kids so I won't assume anything.)
- secretive behaviour (passwords and blocking)
- long absences with no means of contact
- avoids personal contact
- secretly racking up debt
- had "gay stuff" on his laptop. Claimed it was a prank yet he didn't delete it?
- has an active profile on a male hookup site that is at least a year old.
- when questioned, keeps changing excuses.
- tries to maintain a "macho - how could I be gay?" facade.

Make no mistake, a wife and kids also is of great help to maintaining a false-hetero persona. (Research Beard). I won't say he has no care or concern for any of you but you are useful to his cover story.

In my opinion, the excuses about the app just don't wash. Besides the changing excuses, he wants you to believe that an app sat on his phone for a year and he didn't use it, didn't notice it, didn't delete it. Someone guessed his password and then used the app and he didn't notice that either. Theoretical hacker didn't change the password to take over the account and lock the owner out. App did not send a single notification of activity, such as messages received. (If he customized the notification settings, why do that on an app you don't use?) Personally, I don't think there's much benefit to getting to the truth of the app, you will only get more excuses, admissions, back-tracking, and so on. The real truth is that you know what you saw when the curtain was pulled away for a few moments.

Same with the laptop, even if the prank excuse was legit, why was it still there? I don't think a hetero-sexual man would hesitate to smash that delete button, and then go plot prank-revenge.

What can you do? For starters read the 1st Aid kit post pinned at the top of the General forum - https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

- Talk to someone, can't stress this one enough (might have to be via phone or facetime at the moment).
- Research your options, you don't have to choose one now, just be aware of them.
- Protect yourself (health and finance). Before, STD's were the big potential threat, now it's all of those plus COVID-19. In terms of finance, keeping your share of the family income is important, especially if he is racking up debt. Some have placed funds in gift cards they can stockpile and use later for everyday necessities like food, clothes, footwear, etc.
- Do not blame yourself for the actions of someone else! Do not criticize yourself for trusting someone you were supposed to trust, and turned out to be unworthy of that trust.

It sounds like you have some plans underway. If he's unaware of them, keep it that way. If he is aware of them, don't fall for the "lovebombing" and gaslighting intended to make you change your mind.

One more thing that's come up here many times, the idea of staying together "for the kids". The general consensus here is that the kids will be just fine, especially the younger they are.What's not OK for them is to grow up in a home where their parents barely interact and model a poor example of marriage partnership and support. It's toxic and warps their expectations as adults.

Be careful, be strong, you'll get through this.

Last edited by Daryl (April 25, 2020 10:39 am)

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

April 25, 2020 5:19 pm  #4

Re: He won’t admit he’s gay

Tiymay.....welcome to our Forum  

Firstly....your husband doesn't want to admit he's gay because, like many of the LGBTQ community he feels he's entitled not to answer truthfully because it will blow his heterosexual world out of the water. 

Secondly...you need to try to not focus on him to the detriment of your own progress. You won't be  able to see a way out of this til you realise your own strength is what will make you stronger, and your strength will have nothing to do with your husband. 

Thanks to the Forum I have come quite a way through the Mindfuck, not quite there yet but it was ME who got me to the place I am now....not my partner
Keep posting, reading


KIA KAHA                       

April 27, 2020 1:03 pm  #5

Re: He won’t admit he’s gay

Thanks for the responses, I’ll definitely be reading more on this forum.

     Thread Starter

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