You are right about our reality being denied being distressing. I came home from the grocery store, and one of the first things that my husband said to me when I got home was, “Guess what? I got a package from Steve!” Steve is his gay friend who I have referenced in these posts before. The one that he FaceTimed a few weeks back. I feel like he rushes to tell me these things, like when he told me he was going to FaceTime him, because he believes that if he tells me everything then he’s not hiding anything. Then I know everything, and can’t accuse him of anything. He received a book from “Steve” and my husband has been reading it all morning. He has also been in a really good mood today. I encourage his relationship with Steve and I feigned excitement over him receiving a book from him because I need this to happen. I’ve lived most of my life with my husband and feeling ignored and devalued and not cherished. I’m honestly empty. Drained. I want his relationship with Steve to progress because I want more proof or because I want my husband to come out to me, so that I can move on with the rest of my life. I know that if I were to try to move on with my life now, that I would be considered the “bad guy” because I don’t have concrete evidence that they are more than friends. My husband would just accuse me and say that he was honest with me about everything. I pray every day because I don’t know what else to do.

My husband and I got in an argument last night. As I have mentioned before, he still wants to have sex, but literally only shows me any kind of sexual touch once we are in bed, never during the day. Our argument started because he was touching my leg in bed, and he asked if I liked having my leg rubbed. I responded with, “yes, why are you asking?” He said, “I just wanted to make sure. I don’t know what you like.” I made a comment about how it was sad that after 23 years of marriage that he doesn’t know what I like or whether or not I like my legs being touched. That is when the blame game began and the argument. He says that I am closed off and don’t always like to be touched, which I admit is probably accurate of the last few months but not true of our entire marriage. He says that I act like I’m the one who is always rejected but really its him being rejected and not me. I gave him examples of times when I was rejected but he had excuses for all of them. I told him he is allowed to touch me sexually during the day as much as he wants. I have told him this before. He acts like all this is new news to him. He said, “I didn’t know I could touch you whenever and however I want, I didn’t think that was or should be allowed.” I know what he’s saying, no I don’t want to be poked and prodded and treated disrespectfully but yes, I am your wife, so feel free to do whatever. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s him or me. In some ways, he’s right, but not completely. My husband is a nice person, and I know he loves me in his way, so why would he do this to me? Why would he intentionally confuse me? Or is he doing it unintentionally? Does he really think that it’s me? That I’m the issue. I don’t know. I feel like shit.

I thought the issue here wasn't about whether YOU liked sex, but about HIS sexuality.  There is no point in getting in a back and forth argument in which  he can "reverse victim and offender"--part of the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) tactics of abuse--to deflect from the real issue.  So of course you feel like shit.  Your husband has you whirling in circles.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 26, 2020 12:12 pm)

Karis I sent you a private message.  You can find it in your inbox, above.

Karis,
Please, please, PLEASE stop listening to your husband’s words. Only his actions matter. He is a master manipulator, and the very sad truth is yes, he is spinning you on purpose. He does not love you. He only needs you.

Last November, while my husband and I were supposed to be celebrating our 20th anniversary in the very same bed and breakfast we honeymooned in, I ran to the beach at midnight and was screaming into the phone to my husband, “You don’t love me! You only need me!,” over and over. He hurried down to find me and talk me down. But my eyes were opened, my ears didn’t recognize any sense in his talk. The best he could do was circular talk, and even blaming ME for hurting HIM.

I know it hurts like hell, and it’s too much of a shock to accept, that the person who you have devotedly loved and supported for so long is only using you, but it’s the truth. It sucks, but you are strong, you can handle it.

There are many, many wonderful men who would give their right arm to have the privilege of making you happy. The man at work is just a tiny glimpse of the possibilities. And you have so much to give, don’t waste any more of it on your husband who only will hurt you.

You are perfectly justified in no longer having sex with him, if you would like a safe boundary for now. I am sure he is like my husband and believes that he needs to have sex with you to keep you. I have refused to have sex with mine since January 11th. It makes me feel so awful and unwanted, I am no longer going to try to pretend to like it. He basically has to keep his eyes closed or fantasize aloud about male parts, and manually get himself close then stick it in at the last second as if that’s going to do anything for me. The way yours does it with his face in the pillow sounds equally miserable. I feel much happier knowing I will protect myself from that emotional pain from now on.

I can’t make you get divorced. But I can tell you your husband is toxic, probably a narcissist, possibly even a sociopath, and he will not get better. He will just get worse. Take all the time you need to make a decision. Read up on narcissism, and gaslighting in particular. My mom stayed with my sociopath dad until it literally killed her. Because of her example, when my husband has shown me his utter disregard and cold hearted lack of empathy for my safety and happiness, I felt like giving up and dying. I’m almost the age she was when she died, but it’s my goal to give my children a different example. It’s hard as hell, but I’m going to break the pattern and be stronger than my pain, and fiercely love my life and my children, and not stop until I’m free of this abusive marriage.

My husband is a master manipulator like yours. He’s sooo “nice.” No one will ever believe me that he’s gay. He’s too smart to ever act on it. It’s hard for me to even remember because he pretends so thoroughly. But I made a list of signs that he’s gay or trans, and it’s at 98. But none of that matters. The bottom line is, he is willing to hurt me if it helps himself, and he does not love me like I always loved him. And it is obvious in my heart, mind, and health.

What would your life be like if you were free from your husband. Pretty damn good, right? It doesn’t matter that he won’t tell you he’s gay. He’s made you miserable and your mental health is suffering. That’s not love. That’s cruel.

Please keep posting here, we all care about you. So many of us have gone back and forth many times with our spouses. I have been struggling for 8 years now, and finally have an exit date (secretly) planned for next February. I can’t wait to be free. But I definitely understand needing lots of time and conversation to figure out your own unique situation.