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1 of 1- Anon2222
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Just at the beginning
I am at the beginning of this journey. Right now, it is difficult. I am looking for real stories, and I would like to hear from those who made it work moreso than those that didn't.
Short background: my husband came out as bisexual. We have been married for 14 years. Apparently he has been struggling with this for the past 4 years, but I had no idea. None. I was completely blind sided. He is adamant that there has been no cheating. Which I completely agree with. And he wants this marriage to work and be monogamous. Basically, keep it as is and it just be another part of him, but not mean anything. So, before anyone tries to put in what ifs and paranoia. No, he did not cheat. No there is no one else. No he is not hiding everything. He has been amazingly open, has answered all my questions, and has started counselling to navigate this journey. He is an amazing man, and I love him.
Now....the difficult parts.
Since I found out I have had a variety of emotions. I'm struggling with betrayal, anger, devastation, confusion and so many other things. He has been great and listened to everything. We have talked nonstop about all the feelings we have both been having.
But the emotions are still so difficult to deal with. They come at random times, and I just burst out crying. At times I don't know how to function.
I am having difficulty with picturing my husband with a man. It repulses me. If I had known this when we were dating, I wouldn't have gotten married. I am straight as an arrow. Never a question. And I want a heterosexual man. The thought of an attraction to men just....turns me right off. And the visuals my mind can create are just tortuous.
He assures me he never wants to be with anyone else. In my brain I do believe this. And he believes this. Emotionally I'm still a wreck. I worry that this is the thought now, and it could change in the future. I have a lot of what ifs.
We tried couples counselling with 2 different psychologists so far. It was devastating. This is all so fragile, confusing and painful for me. When I told the therapists that I was struggling with the thought of my husband fantasizing about sex with men....one therapist asked what the big deal was and the other said "so what", then made a joke about how we're both attracted to men, so we have something in common. The pain was too much. To just feel like I was being mocked by someone who is supposed to be helping. And completely invalidated.
Has anyone else experienced this with therapists? We are both doing individual, and I have found a good therapist for me for that. But I never want to do couples counselling again. I'm still devastated by it. The pain is raw.
So....has anyone experienced all of this? I want to know about couples who made it work, and what steps you took to rebuild trust? Any good resources?
I don't want anything about open marriages or anything like that. I want information on monogamous marriages. If that were to happen, I would divorce first. No interest there.
Hopefully that all made sense. I am hoping this network can help. Because I just need some support right now. Everything seems so geared towards the spouse coming out and making sure they have everything. Nothing seems to be there for the other spouse. I feel like an after thought.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Just at the beginning
Anon2222 wrote:
I am at the beginning of this journey....... Right now, it is difficult. I am looking for real stories, and I would like to hear from those who made it work moreso than those that didn't.
Welcome to the Forum Anon. I found this forum after an email from my partner of (then) 32 years in which he professed his love for me, wish to stay together but that he wanted my okay to 'explore' with men. And actually your comment re your repulsion reminded me of my partners email when he said that he'd kept his desires, secret account etc hidden from me because he thought it disgusted me. So there will probably be a lot of unspoken vibes and assumptions on both sides of your marriage like there were in mine.
Initially I was more leaning towards staying but, and it's been 3 years since the email he sent....I've done more work on myself and discovering what *I* want in life rather than work on keeping a r'ship from falling apart that was crumbling because of secrets kept from me.
The therapists you saw sound like absolute dicks. I am so sorry you had to endure that
We're here for you Anon 
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 20, 2020 5:08 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Anon2222
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Re: Just at the beginning
Thanks for the reply. Honestly, I nearly died a decade ago and had dozens of surgeries....I would go through that all over again in a heart beat vs going through this.
I feel like I have a hole in my soul.
I'm struggling with dealing with my own emotions while watching my husband deal with his. I can see that he is truly hurting and devastated that he is putting me through this. He keeps apologizing and wishing he could take it back. That it wasn't true. And I believe him when he says he never wanted to hurt me and wants to keep this marriage.
So.......I feel guilty for acting out. Like I should somehow be able to be more open minded and handle this like it's no big deal. Basically what the therapists have all been telling me (it felt like they said it was my fault for not just going with the flow).
I also know he is confused and struggling and I just want to make it all better.
I never knew a page like this existed until I just googled on a whim heterosexual - bisexual relationships. Go figure. I identify with so much. Honestly, I could have wrote some of it. I felt like a freak for having the thoughts/reactions I did. And when he first told me I had a complete mental break down to my mom on the phone. Now I feel so embarrassed that I lost control of my emotions. And guilty that I even told anyone.
Ugh....this really is hard. And I appreciate all the support/forum so far.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Just at the beginning
I had been with my ex for 37 years when I realised he was gay. I literally fell to the floor. I had a panic attack a few days later, and felt literally nauseated at the thought for about 3 weeks, then I started crying.
this is normal it is a huge emotional shock. the sense of betrayal and confusion, the floods of tears, the anger, the shaking with fear all of it - normal.
I personally do not think it is wise for a straight to stay with a bisexual so I hesitated to comment to your post but I think the therapists attitude towards you sucked, to echo Ellexoh..
There is a bisexuals are too groovy for words movement going on at the moment isn't there. Have you heard about people believing their own press? Say it to each other often enough and they start to believe it is only reasonable for their straight partners to accommodate their bisexual wishes and then get a surprise when they broach the subject and their partner is upset.
Don't feel embarrassed at the strong emotions. It is really hard. Hope you mum can help.
all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (April 20, 2020 7:47 pm)
- TangledOil
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Re: Just at the beginning
I’m going to private message you. I don’t share here any longer because of the negativity, but I’m in the same situation as you and my husband and I are doing really well and are both very optimistic about our monogamous future together.
Last edited by TangledOil (April 21, 2020 3:56 pm)
- Anon2222
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Re: Just at the beginning
Thanks TangledOil. I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of stories about how it didn't work out. At this point I'm a mess. But I can also see this working. I'm sure it works for a lot of people.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Just at the beginning
.......I'm struggling with dealing with my own emotions while watching my husband deal with his. I can see that he is truly hurting and devastated that he is putting me through this. He keeps apologizing and wishing he could take it back. That it wasn't true. And I believe him when he says he never wanted to hurt me and wants to keep this marriage.
The apologising and wishing from your husband won't be helping the emotional struggle you have dealing with all this. But it's often the way when men don't want to acknowledge there's a problem and would rather hold on to a status quo than upset the apple cart of a marriage (and wife) that allows him the freedom to explore? his bisexuality under cover of a marriage that appears heterosexual to the community
So.......I feel guilty for acting out. Like I should somehow be able to be more open minded and handle this like it's no big deal. Basically what the therapists have all been telling me (it felt like they said it was my fault for not just going with the flow).
Stop listening to other people who tell you how you should be feeling. I can't stress this enough. This is your life, your marriage. As far as your man changing the dynamics of the relationship between you....the guilt is his and it doesn't matter the outcome of all this, whether you decide to leave or stay....you should NOT ACCEPT THE GUILT YOU FEEL BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOURS
I also know he is confused and struggling and I just want to make it all better.
You can't make it better for him....he'll have turmoil he probably can't or won't even admit to. You should be focusing on yourself
I never knew a page like this existed until I just googled on a whim heterosexual - bisexual relationships. Go figure. I identify with so much. Honestly, I could have wrote some of it. I felt like a freak for having the thoughts/reactions I did. And when he first told me I had a complete mental break down to my mom on the phone. Now I feel so embarrassed that I lost control of my emotions. And guilty that I even told anyone.
You're not a freak and shouldn't be embarrassed. Sadly...this his sort of emotional upheaval has happened to most of us and before we can untangle it all we have to go through some shiite. The whole balance of my world shifted, went through some depressing times, suicidal moments and more than anything....thoughts that my life would have to stay broken because of the co-dependence of my r'ship. I'm still with my partner but I've reached a point of not needing his validation about anything I do or think.
Find yourself another, better, therapist
Ugh....this really is hard. And I appreciate all the support/forum so far.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- TangledOil
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Re: Just at the beginning
Yes, I do agree that it probably works out for a lot of people. They just aren’t posting here after a while. They resume normal life.
Last edited by TangledOil (April 21, 2020 4:04 pm)
- lily
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Re: Just at the beginning
Here's a little exercise that might help you weigh it all up. Spend some time looking at the older couples that you know. Don't ask them, just observe, see if you can work out which are the MOMs and see if you can work out which is the straight spouse.
You don't have to think older people are wiser or know better than you, you just have to recognise the value in the simple fact that they have already travelled the road that is before you.