okay so question - who set up the couples therapy, has your wife been seeing a therapist alone already?

I ask this because often couples therapy is where the straight spouse gets two-timed and it is full of unrealistic ideas and is more about what you can do to make the gay spouse happy (ie not get in her way and not expect so much of her) than anything to do with what you need.  Just saying.  that's what I have heard about from reading here.

for most of the human race we know we have feelings for whomever we do - if we didn't know before puberty we sure do after that!  Gay people will often say they knew as young children.  well yes I can sort of relate to that, I remember this boy I had a bit of a crush on at primary school.  not that I would have thought of it like that back then.  But I knew I liked him.

so my advice is listen to your feelings.  Often the way you feel can be a better indicator of what is happening than your thoughts.  

Everyone feels scared on facing change at that base level.  Variety is the spice of life they say but however adventurous and liking new things you are, that is different to basic change where you are losing what is familiar - it is only natural to be on a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now.

My observation is that bisexuals tend to believe they know better than straights.  But they don't, just like us they only know what it is like for themselves, and do not understand how different it is for a straight.

What should you be doing right now?  taking stock of your own feelings.  Thinking about what you both want and need in life.  don't worry about your children, what they will always need is for you to look after you - gather strength, look around you for family and friends you can confide in.  Post here as much as you like.  Me, I liked going for walks a lot - the rhythmic motion the blue sky and clouds and I could let myself think as little or as much as I wanted.  deep breaths and lots of water, right now you are in shock, it will settle back to normal in a while.  

Let yourself be, self criticism is a good thing but right now let it be, be a best friend to yourself at all times.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Last edited by lily (April 15, 2020 11:14 pm)

TellMeIamOK wrote:

.....What should I be doing right now?.......I don’t know which way is up.

Welcome to the Forum Tellme 

First things first...have a read of the First Aid Kit..it's on the General Board
 

What do you want?
What does she want?

We're all attracted to many different things at once. What we choose to do with that is what matters.
Bi should not be code for blanket permission to play around while you wait for her to figure out what she wants or play the pick-me dance. (Not saying that's her goal but it does seem to appear as a common theme.)
 

So an interesting sidebar to all this is that my wife has a lesbian friend.
Wife has set limits and boundaries to this friendship with lesbian friend.
To my knowledge wife has not divulged her possible sexual fluidity. My wife has not come out in public yet.
Wife wants to get together with friend.
If I question and verbalize my misgivings I negate trust, correct?

TellMeIamOK wrote:

My wife has come out to me in couples therapy as bi.
We’ve been married 12 years.
We’ve had up’s and downs.
We have kids.
She has evidently had these feelings for quite some time.

I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation.

You say that your wife has come out as bi-sexual. Has she acted on these feelings?

TellMeIamOK wrote:

Not sure how to negotiate this.... confused ... angry... scared... anxious.
What should I be doing right now?

You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Gathering information, evaluating your relationship and determining what you want and need in a relationship with a spouse and figure out if your wife is capable of fulfilling those needs for you.

What brought about her realization that she is bi-sexual? Is there someone new in her life that brings these feelings to the surface for her?

A couple of questions you have to ask yourself -- has she been faithful to you? If not, are you okay with that?

Would it be different if she told you she had feelings for another man instead of feelings for a woman?

Are you interested in an open relationship where you stay married and she is free to have relationships with other women?

Does she feel sexually attracted to you?

Does she still love you romantically?

Or is her love for you more like the love of a friend or relative?

If she doesn't love you romantically, can you live without that kind of love in your life? Can you live with her as a roommate for the rest of your life while she forms romantic or even just sexual relationships with other women?

TellMeIamOK wrote:

I have online appointment with our couples therapist coming up
As she does. It will concern discernment process and whether to move forward.
I don’t know which way is up.

On the up side, at least she has admitted to you that she feels she is bi-sexual. Many spouses choose to stay in the closet of denial. You at least know what you are potentially up against.

If you need someone to vent to or chat with someone who has gone through something similar just drop me a private message and we can arrange a time to talk. It can be nice to have someone who can listen without judgement and understand what you are going through.