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Hi everyone, I’m brand new, and looking for some support. I’m not sure if this is the right place, but I’m hoping someone may have an idea of where to send me if it’s not. I’m in a unique, or unique for me situation. My husband who I’ve been with for 13 years, 2 kids, came out to me last July, that he thinks he might be gay, or at the very least bi-sexual. When he told me, it made a lot of sense. I’ve always been a really open-minded individual, so to me, this was just another part of him for us to celebrate. But I do feel really alone in that I can’t really talk to anyone because this is his journey… and we need to do it at his pace.
He's not a big talker... and for him he wants to pretend like he never said anything, but it's really just because he's scared to loose me and our family... which isn't going to happen It may change, and be different, but the love is all still there. Tt's also really challenging, because I think in order for him to accept this.. I'm going to have to take the lead on it for him.
Which I can do... but it is lonely ..... So I’m looking for support or for people who may be in a crazy scenario like ours.
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Welcome to the club that nobody wanted to join. You are at the beginning of a journey and how it ends will be up to you and not just him.
I am a woman now much older than you whose husband said that he was "bi" several years into our marriage and like you I was really open-minded and thought o.k. so we both are attracted to men but we both love each other and will be faithful to each other so let's celebrate that we have gotten this out in the open and can get on with our marriage.
But it wasn't that simple. Over the years he would become emotionally distant for long periods of time. Our sex life ended. He resented me for something apparently so unforgivable that it could not be discussed. We had no couple friends and the friendships he formed were with gay men. He would go away on visits and retreats with them. After his parents died he admitted he was gay and wanted a divorce: he was in love with a man. We had been married 30+ years.
Over those years I did not realize how diminished as a person I had become as I focused on the children and keeping him on an even keel. The advice I would give now to a young woman wanting to stay in the marriage is to think of your "bi" husband as more as a child whom you are helping develop but whose life you cannot control rather than as a lover and partner. Women generally outlive their husbands so it could be that you will be widowed rather than left but don't neglect yourself physically, spiritually or financially. Have a life and interests outside of your family. Find things that makes you happy. For some it's pets and for me it's flowers.
Know what you can accept and where your boundaries are. Does he want to go out socializing with gay friends? How about multi-day trips? Can his friend come to the house? Will you be jealous? Do you get to do all of the above with people of your choosing?
If you were in an English costume drama where couples married for social standing and not for love and have big houses perhaps was easier after producing an heir and a spare for the wife to entertain a lover to compensate for her husband's mistresses. In modern life however at some point having a marriage in name only probably isn't worth it.
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Mandi2020 wrote:
Hi everyone, I’m brand new, and looking for some support. I’m not sure if this is the right place, but I’m hoping someone may have an idea of where to send me if it’s not.
This is definitely the right place. Everyone on here has been through something similar. A great starting place is the First Aid Kit in the General Discussion forum on this site.
Mandi2020 wrote:
I’m in a unique, or unique for me situation. My husband who I’ve been with for 13 years, 2 kids, came out to me last July, that he thinks he might be gay, or at the very least bi-sexual. When he told me, it made a lot of sense. I’ve always been a really open-minded individual, so to me, this was just another part of him for us to celebrate. But I do feel really alone in that I can’t really talk to anyone because this is his journey… and we need to do it at his pace.
When these things happen, we often look in the rear view mirror and in hindsight we can see so many telling signs along the way. At the time we were able to overlook them, or made excuses for them, or simply convinced ourselves that we must be crazy, that this couldn't possible be.
You have to ask yourself is this what you want in your life? If you would have known that he was bi-sexual or gay when you were dating, would that have been a deal breaker for you? When they change their story years into a marriage, it is like re-writing the terms of a contract after the fact. That makes the original contract null and void in my book.
Mandi2020 wrote:
He's not a big talker... and for him he wants to pretend like he never said anything, but it's really just because he's scared to loose me and our family... which isn't going to happen It may change, and be different, but the love is all still there.
Is the love that he feels for you a romantic love for a spouse or does he have a more brotherly love for you (think "friend zone")? Is that good enough for you for the rest of your life? Is he physically attracted to you? Knowing that he is bi-sexual or gay, do you still find yourself attracted to him?
Mandi2020 wrote:
It's also really challenging, because I think in order for him to accept this.. I'm going to have to take the lead on it for him.
Which I can do... but it is lonely ..... So I’m looking for support or for people who may be in a crazy scenario like ours.
The first part of this process is stepping back and asking yourself some of those really difficult questions:
Would I have married this man if I knew then what I know now?
Am I okay with an open relationship where we stay married and he is free to have sexual or emotional relationships with other men or even women if he is bi-sexual?
Can we live as roommates for the rest of our lives?
Do I deserve better? Do I deserve to have someone in my life who loves me back the same way and as much as I love them? (I would argue that you do!)
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Hello Mandi2020,
Welcome to Straight Spouse Network. This forum was a life-saver for me when I began my journey into this unknown realm.
I have a few thoughts on your post. You said that your husband came out as gay/bi-sexual last July. You said that he doesn't want to talk further about it. It sounds like you've had very little communication, which to me would be a red flag. There are a lot of unanswered questions. As Davin and Abby pointed out, you need to find out what your husband's intentions are going forward in order to see what you can and cannot accept, as a wife who apparently married believing that her husband was straight.
Have you gone to a marriage counselor? Has either of you seen an individual counselor? I would think that if your husband made this confession almost a year ago and you've barely talked about it since, it has to be eating him up. Secrets and silence do not make a successful marriage. You may be able to make this work, but honesty will be key.
One more thought - you need to protect yourself health-wise. If your husband is secretly pursuing gay sex (possibly with strangers), he is putting both of you at risk for HIV, STDs, and COVID-19.
Good luck to you.
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Hi Mandi,
I too am bothered by the fact that he has not wanted to talk with you about it. I know it is inconceivable from your perspective but from ours here, where we have read so many eerily similar stories, the immediate thought is he could very easily be stepping out on you. So really, do take the health warning on board.
yes it does feel like a crazy scenario, and it is.
for us older women here, who were in long term marriages to bisexuals it is sad to read such posts as yours because we know what is down the road. There's this instinctive understanding that if you stick it out in a marriage you will reap the rewards later on in life isn't there. And there is an emotional harvest, a deepening of marital love that can occur over the years but it doesn't happen in a MOM. that's what we found out down the road, no harvest at maturity to be had at all. The love you are feeling is not being reciprocated in the same way. How can it be when he is attracted to men. At the very least he is going to be having mixed feelings towards you isn't he.
look after yourself, all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (April 19, 2020 10:21 am)
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Mandi,
Several of the aspects of your story dovetail with my experience.
One, a husband that discloses and then retreats back into silence. Ten months down the road now, and it doesn't sound as if he's been willing to engage you in conversation about the ramifications of his confession. You say that you interpret his silence as an indication that he is afraid to lose his family. Well, yes, this is undoubtedly true. But it's not the same as being committed to you, and of having to live with the consequences of what he has disclosed to you about his sexuality. He isn't heterosexual. Of course he is afraid to come out! He's going to have to let go of everything familiar to him and embrace an aspect of himself he's long denied. He may want to retain his marriage because he's afraid to step into the new life he has envisioned for himself (and yes, he's envisioned something different, or he wouldn't need to say anything), and may have retreated into silence to test whether you'll stay. Last, it's entirely possible he told you in hopes you would be the one to end the marriage, and force him into action and into facing what he doesn't want to. (If you ended the marriage, it would also make it, in his eyes, "not his fault.") I wouldn't be surprised to hear that it's a pattern for you to "take the lead" in your marriage, and that he's acting true to form here. My ex's typical mode was passive-aggressive; he acted by appearing not to act, and it took me a long time to understand that not taking action was actually to take action, even if it doesn't look like it; a choice not to act is still an act.
Two, I was also accepting and open minded, and I thought of my now-ex's newly declared sexuality as something "we" could work on together, and I immediately applied myself to action. After all, his disclosure came in the context of our marriage, right? But in the end, I had to accept that this was about him, that I could not do this work for him, and that I could not "take the lead"; nor can any of us, and nor can you. This is a very deep seated sense of himself that he has to come to terms with in himself. It's not a "we" kind of problem, although I know it feels like it is to you.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 19, 2020 12:07 pm)
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Mandi2020 wrote:
Welcome Mandi
Lily's comment about your partner not wanting to talk...it worried me too when my partner of 35 years wouldn't talk about something that has destryed my trust, our life together, my future with him. They don't talk because to talk would be to admit they don't want you involved in that part of their life. They want cake (you) but don't want you to know they're eating it somewhere else, thinking about eating it with another man. I think many bisexuals must live their bisexuality in their heads for so long....til one day it finally starts showing itself to partners
You don't deserve to end up feeling devalued like I did.
Important: find a trusted confidante. Do not hold this in, and most importantly....keep posting here