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March 24, 2020 7:09 pm  #1


New here, New situation

Hi all, my husband (wife? The thought makes me ill) came out as transgender a month or so ago. I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. We have 2 small children (1 and 2) so I want what's best for them. I'll admit there's also a part of me that welcomes the excuse to get out. I stood with them through a lot. Including jail. I feel like I can let this be the last straw. But I don't know. Sometimes the old them is still there. But then they spend a whole day parodying (my feelings) their version of a perverse hyper femininity while I'm on the couch unshowered breastfeeding a needy toddler for hours.. I'm really not making clear thoughts or expressing myself well but I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. I made the mistake of joining a different group and oh boy. I look forward to talking to others and figuring out what the right thing for my daughters and I is. I take my marriage vows seriously but I'm not a lesbian.

 

March 25, 2020 11:33 am  #2


Re: New here, New situation

Welcome Straight wife k.  This forum was helpful to me and I hope it is for you, too.  You will find sympathetic women and men with similar circumstances.

I can relate to your situation.  My husband started cross-dressing and took up related activities two years ago.  He said he had a female identity that was a vital part of his life.  Note, he is in his 60s and this was a shock to me.  

Having an intimate relationship with this man was repugnant to me.  I, too, thought, "if he's a woman, what does that make me?"  I never questioned my sexuality before this. 

Have you talked to anyone?  A friend or a therapist?  The worst part for me was keeping his secrets for a long period of time.  It was easier to deal with after I talked with a few trusted friends and a counselor.  

I am sorry for what you are going through. 
 

 

March 25, 2020 12:40 pm  #3


Re: New here, New situation

I'm another one of the women whose husband (now ex) decided in his 50s that he was "really a woman inside."  It took me three years after his declaration to leave.

If I could tell you anything, it's this: listen to that part of you that is telling you that this is the perfect "excuse" to get out.  It's not an "excuse"; it's a justifiable reason.  You say you take your marriage vows seriously, but you need not worry about whether you would be breaking them by leaving, because he has already canceled your marriage contract by deciding he is no longer a man.  

 Take it from me that your distaste for his perverse version of a hyper-feminine woman will not get any easier to bear.  On the contrary, you will find yourself increasingly repulsed and angry about it.  

You owe your loyalty now to your children and yourself, and none of you--your children or you--is going to be well served by staying in this marriage.

I don't know your financial circumstances, but I urge you to call on family and friends, and on your doctor, for help.  I would also see a lawyer, just so you know what your rights are under the law, and you can learn how to protect yourself financially.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 25, 2020 3:43 pm)

 

March 30, 2020 10:50 am  #4


Re: New here, New situation

Hi Straight Wife K,
Oh wow your message struck a chord. Setting aside the transgender thing, how dare your husband spend time to get himself all dressed up when he hasn’t even helped you with the baby long enough to get a shower! I have five kids who I breastfed and then homeschooled for many years without my husband being emotionally involved. I had no idea the depths of his issues, all I knew is that I was lonely, thirsty, hungry, unshowered, exhausted and couldn’t go pee for the majority of the day, for many years.
The thing is, these husbands have been hiding and lying about who they are or what they want, and all their energy is focused on themselves. The brief moments my husband has been honest have been just as painful as the years of neglect and lies. I tried to support him by going with him to Victoria’s Secret once. He ran around like a kid in a candy shop, collecting pretty things he wanted to wear. I couldn’t keep up (nor did I want to) so I tried to just look at things on my own while not thinking about how horribly embarrassed I was. It was obvious to the world that he has no interest in me, and that he wasn’t even acting as considerate as a casual friend would. He got himself tons of panties, and a little nightie, and then left me alone at the register for so long because they said if we buy one more we would get a free bag. Afterwards he started pressuring me to start buying him sexy nighties, saying it would be a turn on. But in all the many years of our marriage, I had been wearing worn out undies and nursing bras, and old cotton jammies I had bought before marriage. In 20 years he’s never brought me home a sexy nightie to wear.
The level of selfishness he has is narcissistic, and even when he jumped back into the closet shortly after that episode, the pain goes on. I’ve been hurt in so many ways which seemed bearable at the time but added up to constant abuse. Now the oldest kids are starting to think he’s wonderful because he’s putting on the act of a lifetime and trying to get them to love him since I’ve withdrawn. I’m so upset so I can’t compete with him acting like super dad, day in and day out. I wish so bad that I’d left 7 years ago or 15 years ago when he hurt me but I was so confused I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea he hated himself as a man, and that he’s super jealous of me getting to be a woman, and that he craves penises in a way he has never wanted me.
I’ve stayed for the kids’ sakes for so long, but I realized I’m just showing them a very unhealthy pattern. I’m staying in a marriage where I haven’t been loved or cared for and is slowly killing me. So I’ve got an exit date planned, it’s going to take a whole year, but by February I’ll finally be free. I need to show my kids that I value myself enough to get out of an abusive situation, because I want them to do the same if they ever get stuck in one. I just am terrified that he has brainwashed them into thinking he’s the innocent one and I’m the problem.
If you haven’t already, read up on narcissism. I never recognized my husband as a narcissist before because I believed his words to me, but a gay (or trans) in denial narcissist is definitely what he is acting like. When someone shows you by their actions who they are, believe them. Don’t believe their words. You deserve complete love and support while caring for your babies. If he truly is feminine on the inside, you’d think he would be doing what we do best... sacrificing his own needs to care for his precious babies.

 

March 30, 2020 6:02 pm  #5


Re: New here, New situation

Thank you all so much! He's been getting so much validation from friends and I've just been left behind (1 person reached out to see if I'm ok. Because who on earth would be? Of course I'm not ok!) I need to find a therapist. The up side is I work a decent job, go to church, and have a bit of a support system. He's a stay at home dad with severe depression, a history of suicide attempts, claims to hate God, and has been in jail. And now wants to be a woman. Also the house is in his name. I'm actually in a position to just pack up the kids and go and be fine. I genuinely feel bad for him. He's profoundly unhappy. Maybe it's just me he's unhappy with. I don't want to leave him worse off but he's making it impossible to live with him (her. I'm not trying to disrespect. It's just weird and I'm not used to it). I made the mistake of thinking he'd change when we got married, then when we had kids. Jokes on me right?! I'm far, FAR, from perfect. But it hurts to think of my girls not having a dad. He wants to be "Mommy (name)" which to me cheapens his role. I haven't gotten dressed up or made up (I seriously own half of Sephora, but priorities changed with kids) in 2 years. Before we know it they'll be grown. Can't he change then? At least wait until they start school? This turmoil is so damaging. I grew up with it and refused to have it for my children but here we are. He seems genuinely resentful of me but blames me for it. I'll look into narcissism, that could certainly be it. Thank you all, it's great to be understood and not judged for "not being supportive enough".

     Thread Starter
 

March 30, 2020 6:08 pm  #6


Re: New here, New situation

Also! I'm unsure of how to reply to each of you individually. I don't want to seem ungrateful for your responses! I'm so happy to have found this group.

     Thread Starter
 

March 30, 2020 7:08 pm  #7


Re: New here, New situation

Straight wife k wrote:

Hi all, my husband (wife? The thought makes me ill) came out as transgender a month or so ago. I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. We have 2 small children (1 and 2) so I want what's best for them. I'll admit there's also a part of me that welcomes the excuse to get out.

Listen to your instincts. What he has done is changed the fundamentals of your relationship after the fact. If he were transgender when you met, would you have been romantically interested in him? I'm guessing this would have been a deal breaker.

To use a business analogy, you can't change the terms of the contract after the contract has been signed. He sold you one bill of goods (the masculine version of himself) and then, in the classic bait and switch, he sprung the other bill of good on you (the transgender version of himself.) That change essentially nullifies your original contract. What he has delivered to you now, is completely different from what he sold you up front.

This was the thing that helped me break out of the mindset of "I have to do ANYTHING to save my marriage because my wedding vows said 'for better or worse' and 'til death do us part.' Those vows were sacred to me. Those vows come with the presumption that both parties are acting in good faith and honesty. Holding nothing back. Sharing everything with the other spouse. Hiding a secret like this... well, like in the business contract analogy, nullifies the agreement. This would have been a deal breaker up front had he disclosed this to you when courting you.

Straight wife k wrote:

I stood with them through a lot. Including jail. I feel like I can let this be the last straw. But I don't know. Sometimes the old them is still there. But then they spend a whole day parodying (my feelings) their version of a perverse hyper femininity while I'm on the couch unshowered breastfeeding a needy toddler for hours.. I'm really not making clear thoughts or expressing myself well but I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. I made the mistake of joining a different group and oh boy. I look forward to talking to others and figuring out what the right thing for my daughters and I is. I take my marriage vows seriously but I'm not a lesbian.

You have to live your life as your true and authentic self. A lesbian you are not. You can't "choose" to be one. You can't fake a sexual attraction to your spouse when seeing him parading around as a women makes you physically ill.

Another thought that really helped me out in giving me the courage to take action was to think about the future version of me coming back in time talking to me today. What would myself from 5 years in the future have to say to me today?

What might your future self come back to you and say? "So glad you stuck it out and tried your best to live as a pseudo-lesbian with your husband. Sacrificing your happiness for him/her. Five years from now I'm still miserable!" Or do you want your future self to come back and say "Thank goodness you are a strong woman who stood up for what she needs in life. A real relationship that satisfies her, never settling for something sub-par. Knowing that she deserves to be loved in the same way and amount as she can love her spouse! For taking action and moving on in her life and leaving behind the craziness that was her ex."

You are fortunate your children are so young. Getting them out, sooner rather than later, of the craziness that will follow will be highly beneficial to them. Imagine how difficult it will be as they get older to explain your husbands choices to them. Are they supposed to still call him daddy when he wears dresses and high heels? Does he dress and act like a woman when he comes to the school for Donuts with Daddy day? What pronouns are they supposed to use when referring to their biological father? You can provide an environment of normalcy and stability that your husband will never be equipped to do.

I know this is hard. It is very difficult to leave someone whom you have loved and imagined spending the rest of your life with. Know that it is often better to be alone, than to be together while being lonely and miserable. You don't need that toxicity in your life. You deserve better!

 

March 31, 2020 1:06 pm  #8


Re: New here, New situation

Davin said,
.."This would have been a deal breaker up front had he disclosed this to you when courting you."


That sums it up well.  Had I known I would have not continued a relationship with her.  I was friends with my GX before she indicated she was interested in more than friendship.   
I know her though..she would say now how I must have known then and all these years what she was.. and if I didn't that is my fault..ie I was ignorant and stupid. It gives her a sick great pleasure now thinking she duped me or that I was stupid.  There is no point in her heart or morals  that thinks she is wrong or that she hurt me.

..and that is why I thank God everyday to be away from such a morally broken person.

Last edited by Rob (March 31, 2020 1:09 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 31, 2020 5:35 pm  #9


Re: New here, New situation

I'm beginning to think that many of these people who come out later in life after a spouse and kids and then destroy everything they’ve built meet many of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. 

Last edited by TangledOil (April 1, 2020 4:26 pm)

 

March 31, 2020 8:21 pm  #10


Re: New here, New situation

Hi Tangled,

I can just about hear you thinking oh right so many of these bisexual and transgender gay spouses they talk about here on this forum are narcissistic and that's why they break up the family unit in later life.  And that won't happen to me because my bisexual gay spouse is such a sweetheart.

From my observations the bisexual spouse who stays married without acting on the same sex attraction are few and far between.  So your odds are not good.  Now that I look back, though I believed my ex was faithful, I think he probably was having gay sex on the odd occasion - very infrequent once we were established as a married couple.  But he was one of those bisexual partners who want to stay married in the long term.

I was 19 when I met him, I was 57 when I left him - even if your partner does want to stay married and doesn't want to break up the family in mid-life you are still left to think about how things will pan out between you.

I can say that for me it went from seeming to be the happy couple that everyone wanted to be in our youth to an increasingly nightmarish existence.  our emotionality did not bear fruit with maturity - to the contrary, it became increasingly toxic.

As you say in another post, there are a lot of no-good marriages, yes I do agree - sadly very true.

ps, I also believed my ex was a very nice and completely honest man - no way a narcissist.  Now I think he's a sort of covert underhanded one. 

 

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