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March 11, 2020 10:55 am  #1


So terribly sad

It's been only 2 weeks that my husband of 13 years and best friend of 27 years (we were just kids) told me he was having an affair with a man. He never really knew he was gay and as he said never had feelings for a man before but now that it happened it was like an avalanche to him with no possibility of turning back.
My whole world came tumbling down, I expected to wake up out of this nightmare any second.
Even though it's only been 2 weeks I went through a lot of thoughts and changed my mind about the situation a whole lot doing this. At the beginning I thought for a split second let's try the open marriage thing, but that was quickly if the table since we both would not be happy with this. The second thought was let's stay best friends and parents to our kids together while also still living together, maybe even some day find a place together where he can live in kind of like a granny flat in the garden😉.
Out of financial necessity we will have to do at least part of this for quite some time, but it will be more him living in the guest room.
Yesterday I suddenly realized that if we still live together and do pretty much everything together there most likely will never be an emotional end to this whole thing. Realizing that our friendship most likely won't survive this whole thing is devastating to us.
We were perfect for each other in every kind of the way except for that one shitty aspect and this will destroy not only our relationship but even more beyond this.
Of course for our kids we will try to be amicable and everything but that's not the same as a friendship.
I don't know how I will survive this and the next few months , at the moment we are even still in the same bed. We didn't want our kids to know anything before we sorted things out and since my daughter is 12 she would ask what's going on if I would put him in the guest room.
Sometimes I just wished there was hope and that kind of fairy tale ending were he lives very close by the kids can move back and forth independently and we are still very good friends that we might even be willing to travel ( one of our biggest shared passions) together with them. And that at the same point we both can start our new love life happily with someone else. But this sounds like utopia to me at the moment.

Last edited by Julia.K (March 11, 2020 11:53 am)

 

March 11, 2020 11:50 am  #2


Re: So terribly sad

I have walked your road - will be divorced in a week but still living in same house as working on sale. It is so hard to heal, but I think it gets less painful.   
It’s an awful roller coaster, but many of us can help you through.  You are not alone.

 

March 11, 2020 4:20 pm  #3


Re: So terribly sad

Julia.K wrote:

.

 


Welcome to our Forum JK ....yeah the open r'ship option was abhorrent to me, so it was something I was adamantly against and said so vocally & very loudly.
I had to teach myself to not look too far into the future because this Mindfuck can spin on a dime at any time and change how we think about our lives. If you take your days one at a time....you won't miss a thing and learn a whole lot about yourself as a consequence. 

Your words "no emotional end while we still live together" made another light/alarm go off in my head. And I'll be thinking about it and what it will mean the longer my partner and I stay together

 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 11, 2020 4:22 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 11, 2020 9:18 pm  #4


Re: So terribly sad

I found I couldn't be friends. Even the idea of trying after I learned the truth kept me tied emotionally down and feeling like I was somehow a 'satellite' revolving around him and what he needed or wanted. Unable to move on. Not a real person with needs and wants that mattered too.

I resented it, especially the idea that it was expected of me. I don't treat my friends like that and was furious that someone who would lie to me in that way would feel entitled to my friendship afterwards. Some people manage it. I don't know how. It still hurts and I miss him, but it wasn't possible for me. I think by the time I'm over it enough to consider it, my life will have moved on so much my desire to have him in my life anymore will have moved on too.

It's still a sad thing, though. I still struggle with it. But the friendship I was looking for needed to come with love too. He was filling a place in my heart he didn't want but was unwilling to give up and that's not fair. I don't think I'll find anyone else, but I'd still prefer that place in my heart be vacant with a chance of being filled by someone who loves me than occupied by someone who just wants my 'friendship'.

If you ask me, if he's 'really' your friend he'll be willing to let you go so you have a chance to be happy and heal since he can't offer you what you need and deserve.

 

March 11, 2020 11:36 pm  #5


Re: So terribly sad

It is sad, and I’m sorry this has happened. We never had kids, but I did sleep on the couch for 2 years. (I insisted he go to the couch but he refused.)  This wasn’t due to an impending divorce. His snoring was unbearable. Maybe tell the kids this white lie to sleep apart once in a while.

Take care...


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 12, 2020 9:25 am  #6


Re: So terribly sad

I moved out of our bedroom years before he came out of the closet. I told the children I couldn't sleep - not a lie - and something about my back bothering me. 

Your children certainly have heard about the Corona virus and keeping a social distance of 6 feet (meters ?) Since each of you is exposed to different people during the day it is only prudent not to share a bed.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

March 21, 2020 10:23 am  #7


Re: So terribly sad

He’s the one who cheated, so he really doesn’t deserve to share a bed with you. There’s a chance it might be very important to let the kids start getting clues that he has wronged you and the marriage isn’t good for you anymore so they will be a little prepared when things change. My friend always pretended everything was ok before her divorce, and then it took so much work to convince the kids that things weren’t actually ok and that she was being emotionally abused. One of them still doesn’t believe her, and takes his dad’s side.
But I don’t have experience of going all the way through it yet. I live in the spare bedroom. As far as the kids know, it’s because my husband and I have different sleep schedules. By this point they can see something else is wrong; especially since I have stopped covering for him when he treats me badly. But it’s all a sort of twisted game... he’s on his very best behavior to try to get the kids to love him since he drove me away.
I hope that you’re able to focus on taking care of yourself with no guilt about it. It’s super important for your kids to see you having healthy boundaries and standing up for yourself.

 

May 2, 2020 10:34 pm  #8


Re: So terribly sad

I completely feel for you as I am in the same boat.  I found out my husband cheated on me with another man.  I found out yesterday.  We have a 13 year old son with autism.  Our son already has so many difficulties in this life that I don't want to make life harder for him.  He loves us both so much and worries all the time if something will happen to us especially during corona virus times.  My husband says he is bisexual and wants to stay with me....but it may not be possible...too many lies. 

I am sorry you are going through this.  It's not a fun thing we have in common.

 

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