Dear Ellexoh
I have not posted for a long time, but still come to the site now and then to see how everyone is doing. I have followed you for years and have admired your tenacity and independence and obvious commitment to your marriage. I have wondered if at some point you would arrive at the place you are now. My heart is absolutely breaking for you, because it reminds me of the hell we go through. From discovery, not wanting to believe it, trying to understand and not able to, wondering how this person you trusted with your soul could hide this, trying to make it work somehow and then slowly realizing you were the only one present in the marriage and the trust will NEVER come back. How it devastates you as a woman and plays with your mind over and over again. How you believed after decades of living with and learning how to interact with each other to come to a place of easy comfort and that feeling of "We made it" and your reward is to have that person by your side in old age to reminisce with, to laugh with and to hold your hand. And then you really really look them in the eye and see absolutely NOTHING that resembles love or compassion. Only selfishness, no remorse and a cold-hearted bastard. It is so fucking hard. But you start to move and begin making decisions for yourself, something that is so foreign to people like us because we've always done our lives for our partners and families. It goes against everything we are used to and know. Something is driving us and I have come to believe it was my innermost self that knew before I did that if I didn't save myself-I would be of no use to the ones who really truly loved me for me. My kids, my siblings, my grandkids and my 2 lifelong loyal friends and most of all myself.
   We all do this nightmare differently. I want you to know that I understand. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will be okay. I want to let you know that I understand not wanting to disrupt others, but there will never be a "good" time. The " best" time is when YOU are ready. All my very best heartfelt wishes to you.
Paula

Ellexoh, I haven't been checking in recently, and only now I'm catching up.  I'm so, so sorry for everything you've been going through.  

You posted something upthread that reminded me of another stupid pointless argument I had with the brick wall of denial that is my husband.

At some point, I'd asked him what he thinks I get turned on by sexually.  After all, I'm 63 and my first date with him was my 30th birthday, so I've been faithful to him for more than half my life, so he should have some clue about what I enjoy in bed.  I said, "What would you do to get me in the mood?"  He stood there, stupefied, and acknowledged that he had no clue.  And that just says it all.  I could easily tell you what I would do, back when we actually had a sex life, if I wanted to get him in the mood.  But he has never once in over three decades, given a moment's thought to what I might want.

This was back when he was trying to manipulate the discussion, of course, so he could keep his cushy little fake marriage and his fun life on the side.  So, at the time he was trying to reassure me that I"m still beautiful, that I'm lovable.

But that's simply not the case.  I'm old, flabby, and unfuckable.  So is he, but since only one of us is female, only one of us is pathetic and unwanted.  

I point this out not to fish for compliments, but to get this much across: to everything, there is a season.  Right?  A time to reap, a time to sow.  Well, in our lives, we fall in love when we're young and attractive, and then when we're old and disgusting and unfuckable, the person who fell in love with us still sees us the way we used to be, because when a man falls in love for real, he will always see the young beautiful face of the woman he loves, no matter how old you become.  So if you're robbed of love when you're young and beautiful, you've lost the opportunity to "sow" when the season was "a time to sow".  That means there's nothing left to "reap" when it becomes "time to reap."

Wow, that didn't exactly come out cheerful or helpful, did it?  But that's what my husband doesn't understand about what he deprived me of.  He just thinks of sex as a commodity.  Three decades of living in the underworld subculture of the prostitution industry will twist you that way.  All human intimacy becomes transactional.

.

Last edited by MomOfFour (February 26, 2020 11:05 am)

Momof4:  I wasn't fishing for compliments ... but I'll take it anyhow!  Thanks.

MJM017 wrote:

.....If you already haven’t listened, the podcasts here on SSN have helped me to cope/feel less alone....... 🤩♥️

I've listened to the Podcasts for over a year now. They are invaluable as an insight into how the Mindfuck is seen, tackled and got through by so many