My best depression buster is exercise, preferably out in the fresh air.  

Hi walkbymyself,
I have to admit that during the past 20 years, since my GIDXH told me, "I want to explore my homosexual feelings", there have been numerous times I have had thoughts of "ending this existence".
But almost as quickly as I consider a method, I think of my 2 children, and my resolve weakens. They are adults now, but 20 years ago, they were very vulnerable (daughter 14, son 10). Yes, I write in the present tense, because "those" thoughts still come.
My therapist has told me quite often, "Thoughts & feelings will come, but what you DO will affect many."  I have had many decades of those thoughts, but I don't want to give the nasty, mean-spirited people the satisfaction of winning and saying, "I told you that she was crazy!"
I recall the shock of learning that Robin Williams, a comedian whom I had admired for many years, had committed suicide.  Who of us among the public, knew he suffered so much anguish, for so long?  There was a time when those who had committed suicide were not spoken of, when suicide was a taboo subject.  I am glad that mental health & illness are being recognized and compassion, instead of judgment, are offered.  I am glad because honesty, is healthier than the alternative.  We who have lived for years, sometimes decades, with people we loved & trusted, struggle to accept that we were not loved or trusted.  And of course, this reality, causes us to reassess our lives & futures. And of course, this reassessment will affect our mental-health.
For me, suicide is only 1 way out.  Another, is fighting back by being honest.  I have found that those who cannot cope with my excruciating honesty, are hiding much.  Sometimes, they recognize I am a "safe person" to confide in. Others, who want to maintain a facade, are free to do so.
I realize I have written much. Thank-you, walkbymyself, for honestly sharing your thoughts & feelings with us.  No judgment from me. Compassion & prayers & hugs.  By the way, we, sadly, belong to an ever growing club, so you are not alone.  Shalom, Peace.

UserNada wrote:

Suicidal behavior can become hereditary - not be genes, just by experience. Consider if you want your daughter to follow your example.

I have already considered this.  In my post, it was absolutely front and center.

I'm still allowed to comfort myself, though.

I don't always think people understand the point of view of the kids in this situation, and it makes it hard because we project so much.  Kids my daughter's age don't want to come into adulthood learning how much misery their parents endured for their benefit.  They're at an age where they're rebelling a little, and the last thing they want to hear is their mother saying "I would have left this lying theiving gasbag except I had your future to consider."  That's the last thing they want to hear.  For lack of a better phrase, they want to enter young adulthood debt-free.  They don't want to find out they "owe" their parents in any way.

So the last thing my daughter wants to be saddled with is a suicidal mother, and the second-to-last thing she wants to be saddled with is the guilt of knowing her mother has to endure suicidal thoughts, no matter how painful, for a daughter's sake.  You have to embrace the contradiction here, in what my daughter actually wants, rather than what the hypothetical daughter in a Hallmark TV special wants.  My daughter wants two things that are mutually exclusive.

Last edited by walkbymyself (February 14, 2020 11:07 am)

I have been muttering "I'm going to kill myself" for years now.

 

Hi walkbymyself,   Thank-you very much for broaching what has been a taboo subject in society for much too long: suicide.  Of course, suicide is preceded by thoughts of suicide.  And thoughts of suicide are very much related to mental health.  And mental health is related to feelings of belonging and value.
             When I learned that I had been used by "the father of my children", my self-esteem, my sense of belonging and being valued diminished greatly.  What hurt more was that my mother blamed me for "making him gay".....
            I too have been living below the recognized poverty level in Canada, since 2005. I have come to accept that I will never become a member of the Middle Class again.  The most I can do is live as simply and with as little debt as possible.  Not for me, a vacation in another country.  Not for me a reliable vehicle. Having to walk & take public transit has already reduced my weight by 25lbs.
            As for the "father of my children", he is living the good life, affluent & semi-retired in Nice, France, using the money he hid from me.
I no longer believe in Karma, or people getting what they deserve.... 
I know that when I look in the mirror, I see an honest, hard-working, loving, compassionate, kind person.  I hope that is enough.

Last edited by gonzo2000 (February 16, 2020 2:43 pm)