Simpatica wrote:

.......How much evidence did it take for you to understand, even when he lied and denied everything? How do you muck through the explanations and keep your sanity?......

I dove into the madness when I didn't understand it. When I hadn't even heard of the term "gas-lighting". When his dismissiveness made me feel like I should hunt around for clues & proof that something was wrong and if we could talk about it we could fix it. I secretly checked his phone, feeling sick to my stomach as I did, internalising everything til I felt ill. 
I thank my basic good sense, set of values and my personal threshold of right and wrong that before the Mindfuck could turn me into somebody who wouldn't make it through this Storm....I saw my future with him, and it wasn't pretty. 
We're all different Simpatica...but you'll know when you've reached that point. You'll realise the "evidence" isn't what matters, it's the unfairness of how the evidence makes you feel

Elle
 

If you are getting the runaround to the point you feel your sanity could be affected then ask yourself why would I even bother asking him one more question!  That's what I did.  I gave myself the benefit of the doubt instead of giving it to him.  It worked a treat, I stopped questioning myself so much and accepted the answer staring me in the face - he was gay in denial.

denial doesn't mean don't know it means not telling.  What I discovered about my ex is you are going to get the runaround no matter the evidence, whatever you say.  It's like how long is the piece of string, answer, endless, he will string you along all the way.

The closet mattered more to him than I did.  He did not take kindly to having his closet questioned and was prepared to go along with the divorce if I didn't say anything about him being gay.  

I had no problem moving on.  Having said that I was grateful to get confirmation from an old friend who knew him as a teenager but I was already divorced by then.  

I didn't need a confession from him once I had made my own confession to me - I was being played for a fool by him from the get go.

It was hard to take but I am glad I did, it gets easier with time.

Thank you everyone, these responses have been very helpful and enlightening. I feel inspired by your strength and can honestly feel your pain. I wish so much you didn’t have to go through it. I’m heartbroken that we are all in this situation.

I will be strong and take your advice to heart. I have an appt on Tuesday with my psychologist that was once our marriage counsellor...of course my husband stopped going a long time ago...too much poking of the bear let’s say. I’m looking forward to unloading some baggage on Tuesday. Some details are so embarrassing and questionable that I need that a professional to get it off my chest and help me deal with it all.

I went to church today with my daughter (from my first marriage). It has been so long. What a blessing to be back. My husband and I married in the church, he was a so-called Christian and professed his faith and vows to me. The exemplary bible college graduate and regular church goer and volunteer.
Wow, can you believe I have never actually seen him open a bible or seen any Christian behaviour in 5 years. The blasphemy is absolutely shameful and I’ve asked him so many times to stop. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing if I’ve ever seen one. I need to put God first and not let this train wreck of a man derail my faith and my joy in life.

Drawing the line in the sand...

Have a blessed week and stay strong, I know that we will all find healing and peace, it just might take some time.