I wrote a little bit of my story in general discussion couple days ago but I'm writing this as a diary wishing it could relate to somebody as well.
My husband finally accepted that his so called "curiosity" or "sexual desire" or "tendency", wasn't just a phase, but because him being gay, after 2 and half years from his first confession. It has been nothing but hell for me those years dealing with his same sex attractions and denial times. He was also pretty good at manipulating my mind & emotions by gaslighting, lying about every little things. I believe he does have a narcissistic behavior without him knowing and I know he'd flip all over me saying that how dare I even think he is a narcissist. 

Even through all those lies he'd ever told to my face, went behind my back, I'd say I'd done pretty much everything I can to save my marriage in any way possible I could think of at that moment. I tried compliment him. I tried to take him on a date. I dropped off to bring him a lunch with a small little love letter hidden inside. I tried to focus on myself and take care of myself for him to notice me. I tried to surprise him. I tried to smile more even tho he continuously lied to me. I applied and attended to school for achieving license, thinking he'd then maybe adore me...

I've tried everything I thought I could possibly do to repair marriage and move us somewhere brighter instead of just running away from this darkness. Well, it was all for nothing. That won't change husband's behavior, or ideas of next excuses, or another lies to tell. Actually no, I wouldn't tell myself it was all for nothing because it meant something deep at least for me. I did what I could do for this marriage that I swore to God I'd spend the rest of my life until the death do us apart. And I'm proud of myself that I've done and tried as much possible as I could.

Now that I see more ugly side of my soon-to-be ex husband after we came to the agreement of getting divorce. My GH told me before our final decision of getting divorce, there's a guy he likes, he's drawn to and literary said in a relationship with which of course he fantasize this guy sexually. My goal was to shift this husband & wife relationship to mutually close friendship for our 2 beautiful children's sake. I wanted to rebuild our friendship for good and shift the emotions to be happy as a family even tho I was aware it'll require some efforts from both me and my GH. Just so that way, we will be able to spend holidays & birthdays just like we've always have a little easier through our new reality.

I asked my husband not to do anything personal (meaning romantic relationship or any sort), not to bring anyone over to our family home which kids & I haven't been able to say goodbye yet. (We're currently moved back to Tokyo where I'm from and where all my family & friends live.) You know, at least until I could get my feelings sorted out and have my peace back, as showing me some type of respect at last. He totally agreed to them, said "Yeah I wouldn't even wanna do that either. You guys come first and always my priority. I rather focus on myself and reflect"...Oh well, in only 1-2weeks after the decision, he lied about this guy he's into and let him in to our house and have him stand and cook in my favorite kitchen by using the tools we've picked as family.

That moment, I felt my feelings or love for him is faded away in the air, gone. That moment, I finally understood that it is rediculously impossible to communicate with someone who's completely from a different planet lol. I was never really against gay people before I've met my husband who was overly homophobic. And even after seeing some couples who used to be in mixed-orientation marriage and still co-parenting together as friends, I believe even those men who came out to their straight spouses, some are still respectful and loving. Just like it's the same way with straight people. 

So to me, my anger, or overwhelming feelings, sadness, and these pains are NOT only because my husband turned out to be a gay man. It is mostly because his carelessness, unfaithfulness, his betrayal, countless lies, gaslighting and catfishing. And it is truly sad (almost upsetting) that the world only put the spotlight on people who "bravely came out as gay", not on us straight spouses who "bravely fought with their new reality". 

It is absolutely a life changing event. It's started to twist and crash all my perceptions or perspective itself. I just wanted to write this authentic feelings of myself here so maybe, this will reach to someone who is dealing with the same kind of emotions like I am. Whatever I'm feeling is just personal and nothing to judge anybody's point of view. It's just right now, this is how I feel insde and it's so raw.


With Love & Hope,

Last edited by lavender-mocha (February 4, 2020 9:06 pm)