I've heard my husband's first confession back in 2017 summer. We're international marriage couple between the states and Tokyo, Japan. We've been married 8 years now and recently decided to getting divorce.
When my husband first came out, he was still at the stage of "I may be just curious what it's like to be on the other side." so he was asking me if I'm okay with him go explore with other men to connect mentally physically. I thought it was such a disrespecting question to ask because we have been sexless, he was already gaslighting me a lot that time. But I respected and made my answer..."I think it is necessary for you to go out there and explore if you are truly gay or not. But I cannot sit still and watch my husband goes and having sex with some other men and connect with them other than me. It hurts me way too much so I need to go back home with the kids". I was ready to go back home at heart, knowing it's going to suffer my life knowing my loved one is looking to connect with someone else.

My husband stopped me from going back home by saying "This is just some type of stage and this gay friend that I've been spending time with is helping me out not to go that direction so I think I'll be okay. I didn't know you cared for me that deeply". This didn't make ANY sense by the way, he insisted that he is a good friend who turned out to be gay. But by the time, I didn't buy it at all because I was aware that my husband had been deleting his texts and every info of him. And of course ever since he said that, my husband was just full of lies after lies which suffered me until today. Claiming he is still at the school, there he was at this gay friend's house, spent every weekend with him saying he's gonna help him with his house etc, said gonna do homework and he was off to gay bar as if the Uber driver "automatically" drove him there, sneaking to watch gay porn many times, went gay online hookup site to meet people who is also "curious", send & receive d$ck pics to random people, went to see one of them to actually hookup, search a place for "gay massage", his drinking out with friends starting to be later than midnight blah blah blah.......
The most upsetting things is that he blamed all on me. According to him, it was ALL my fault because I wasn't nice, loving, disrespecting etc. Because I don't make money since I was home-stayed mom. I was every reasons for whatever he's been doing. How nice is that?

2018 has passed, I chose not to go back home visiting my family & friends because of the situation we were in that year. Things were calmer towards the end of the year but my trust in my husband wasn't even re-gained at all. I started to go to school to get the nail tech license. Thought I could prove him that I can achieve things as well, thinking he'd compliment me and adore me then with my confident self. NOPE. He did not care. He did not have any word to say to me. That broke my heart even more, but I tried to stand strong forward for myself.

Then 2019. We went back Japan to see my family & friends during the spring that we haven't been able to see in 2 years. It was such a healing times for me and the kids enjoyed school and made lots of new friends. My husband had to leave way earlier due to his work but kids & I stayed until the beginning of summer break. Right after we came back, here goes another weird vibe flowing around my husband. He went to go hang out with his friend the next day we came home after we haven't seen each other for almost 2 months. And then things started to collapse so quickly. He started not to even come home. He made up some type of excuses and not coming home, out like a single man. He was also on some kind of drug which in Florida state it's legal but not states it's permitted, he was able to go work out 5-6 hours after work literary every other day with no exhaustion. He was completely drugged up. After he was dealing with the withdrawal, he completely stopped coming home, just maybe 2 hours to come home, change and out the door again. That was whole July 2019 for me & the kids.

His mother and our sister-in-law suggested to go back home with the kids because he already has abandoned us as a husband & father to protect family. So I decided to wait until his 32nd birthday that was coming up in August...I shouldn't have to hope anything, he only spent 2 hours with me & kids on his own birthday and he went out the door again. My kids were disappointed as well because we decorated our house, went to go get the birthday cake as well. That's when I decided to go back to my parents I really had enough since 2017 summer the confession. My husband agreed for us to go back to Japan and he came to see us off at the airport.

2019 August-November.....he rarely texted me or called us to see how we're doing. He mostly kept his own silence. I had no idea while that time, well prob it was started since July, he had someone he was into and calling him "babe" or register his name "Bae". He even took him to see him mother's and brother's in South Carolina in November and not telling me a word about this guy he's bringing with. When I asked about it, He lied again and again without knowing I know the details from his family. His family were pretty upset but had no ides about what actually had happened in 2017 because I've never said a word about him wondering if he's gay. When he brought his "friend" over to their house, they told me afterwards, they felt "Very Uncomfortable" to the point they felt his friend is Too Clean and they were TOO CLOSE as a guy friend. That's when I saw the whole picture clearly what was really going on the whole time I was gone. 

We both came to the decision of getting divorce and we're going to our process soon. He is still controlling my emotions which I hate. He promised not to let anyone who is associating with my husband in romantic way into our family home that kids & I haven't been able to say goodbye yet. Maybe I should've known better but I truly thought if my husband was truly willing to keep the family strong into a different form, then he'd keep his words and the his own actions and promises very seriously. Nope he didn't, he already let that "Bae" into our family home and let him stand & cook in my favorite kitchen.

That moment periods any of my hope of trust towards my husband. Which is going to relate to the title of this subject, I now Do Not trust my husband AT ALL and it is so hard to think of parenting with him. I want him out of my life. I was trying to put different efforts to become friends and support each other to support our kids. That is gone now by his inconsiderate, careless decisions but he doesn't get it, he keeps blaming me or making me feel guilty. 

How does everybody do parenting with their gay spouses after their coming out? What am I supposed to do when your spouse isn't trustworthy or unreliable in so many ways? His mother isn't okay with my kids to be round his partner when he's gonna be with the kids, so am I. But see those things, I know he will not keep his words. He will just say "they're just friends". That is why I do not wish to co parent with him at all or in very limited condition. Am I being evil? Am I just too cold and selfish? Does this mean I'm not thinking of my children first and the best for them? Am I just filled with so much anger and hatred towards my husband that is unable to make better decision? I know my kids love their dad and want to do what is possible for our peace. It's a struggle and I need other's advice on this who is actually going or been through the situation like this so I can start talking to my attorney.

To me, him being gay is NOT the problem....It is his unfaithfulness to me, carelessness, disrespecting, dishonored behavior with all those piles and piles of lies & gaslighting.

Sincere,