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1 of 1- BlindsidedinPA
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Time from disclosure to resolution?
My husband recently came out as gay and thinks that he would prefer to be with men, but is very confused. He came out about a month ago (after acting strangely for several months before) and we have been spending 90% of our time apart ever since (this is his choice). I really love him and want things to go back to some semblance of how they were 6 months ago (I know things may never be the same between us) and I am really hurting. I want to give him time to make a well-thought out decision about the future (not a rash one), but I am wondering, what has everyone's experience been regarding the amount of time between disclosure and some form of "resolution" (either deciding to divorce or to make it work)? He keeps going back and forth about what he wants. I am working on myself in the meantime and just trying to process it all and set myself up for the future - no matter what that holds.
Last edited by BlindsidedinPA (January 28, 2020 9:35 am)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Time from disclosure to resolution?
Blindsided,
Sorry that you are in this situation. Hope that the experiences and insights of those on this site can help you as you think through what is right for you.
Here's the answer to your question: After my now-ex came out to me I decided pretty quickly that I wanted a divorce. However, as you and others have discovered, our spouses who are grappling with embracing their newly announced sexuality and living that reality often oscillate between wanting to leave and wanting the safety of staying.
As many others here did, I engaged in a period of trying to accommodate my then-husband (in my case it was embracing his trans identity). I was all-in for about six months, although during that period I had pinpricks of doubt about some of my then-husband's actions. After that, there was another five months of tip-toeing around, and a further four months of attempts on my part and half-hearted ones on his to "try again." After that, a series of events made it clear to me that it wasn't going to work out. By then a year and a half had passed; it took another year and a half before I did leave. Three years total.
It's been just about two years since I stopped living with my now-ex, and fifteen months since our divorce. I've had to totally remake my life (left my home of 30 years, retired from a job at the same place he worked, temporarily have relocated out of state with plans to relocate again, sifted through friends and colleagues), but I am moving forward with determination, and very glad to have put the disruption of that three years behind me by extricating myself from it.
I would like to say to you that you are in the early days, and playing catch up. Your husband has known for a long time that he is gay, and therefore has the advantage of having processed this knowledge. You should not discount the likelihood that he has acted on his sexuality, and that his strange behavior for several months, and his announcement, is a result of his having entered into a relationship with a man. You, on the other hand, are still adjusting to the fact of it. It is difficult to accept something that is so foreign to your years of experience with him. Make sure to get yourself tested for STIs.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Time from disclosure to resolution?
Welcome to our Forum Blindsided 
It's almost 3 years to the day when my partner of 32 years told me he wanted more exploration with men. It's taken me this long for my head to catch up with my heart. I'm near resolution and I won't be staying with him.
The secrets, gas-lighting and deception, plus the email sent (because he couldn't face me and say it all) have finally made me realise our relationship is untenable, and to continue for much longer would be senseless
No straightspouse's path will ever be exactly the same as anothers
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: Time from disclosure to resolution?
Blindsided,
Yes I felt more hit by a bus then blindsided.
I think the amount of time varies.. Based on many factors..ones endurance of abuse, financial situation, narcissim etc.
I think the important thing to remember is to do whatever you need to do to survive..find support. And secondly that there is an end..it cannot go forever.
Definitely while he is exploring consider what you want and build your support system.
Last edited by Rob (January 28, 2020 4:09 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- JoeC
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Re: Time from disclosure to resolution?
BlindsidedinPA
I am in the process of divorce. Long history, nearly 20 years of marriage and have known each other for 29 years. Great marriage, great family, wonderful friends, good parents together. We had everything and it looked awesome from anyway we looked at it. Though, we didn't know what we didn't know.
She had long said she was Bisexual and I was ok with that, because of how she was toward me in life and as a relationship. Its not like we had good relationship role models. We discussed her bisexuality and the impact on the marriage, She loved me, we were good together but then something changed that I really felt in the last year. With a new lens and her being gay and reading stories here I can look back and see the red flags in our relationship from before we were married. But, before us we were just kids.
So........on the recent relationship front that I actually noticed, finally noticed, I had felt and seen that She had been growing distant, changing looks and demeanor, making excuses for a lack of contact and emotional connection over the last year or so and also developed a close friendship with her now girlfriend. I confronted her on her sexuality and I said that from that moment that a MOM would not be in our best interest for any viable future. I wasn't going to continue to live in a friends, roommate state of being. Despite my sadness and huge sense of loss that was dominating I knew that this is the right choice. With so many shared experiences and life together its easy to fall back on comfort and the routine. One day we were happily married the next moment we were headed on the divorce path. I was very clear in stating that I would be honest in why we were divorcing and that this was not related to an unhappy marriage, because we were happy friends, partners, parents but not connected emotionally or physically for a long time (you don't know what you don't know).
We aren't broadcasting our divorce but we are telling people as it comes up. From the point of discussion to the point of filing divorce paperwork with the courthouse was 45days. Navigating Christmas, telling our kids and family was necessary. We have to wait 90 days for final divorce decree. She moves out soon. Each day is different, I have a range of emotions, I navigate my new thoughts with the new lens on my past, present and future. I am angry, but I am getting better. I've been avoiding being around her by staying with a friend or my brother when shes home. She has been gone with her girlfriend other nights. She wanted to remain friends, and talk and all that stuff. I found it was hard and made me angry. It is best for me to continue to create this distance and space, limiting contact, texting and communicating only when our lives intersect. I found that trying to hold onto my past with her delays the inevitable future.
I look to milestones now, when she moves out, when the divorce paperwork is final, when I can finally transfer financial asserts into just my name. We will be connected through out kids, but they are independent teenagers (college and highschool) so a new path will be forged. How long do I think it will take? I don't know, but what I do know is that I am having many more good days now than bad ones and the best thing for me is to work toward a life without her in in like she was. I tend to process life quickly and move through change quickly, I've had a few struggles in my life so my stress capacity and resilience is high. I know I will have times in the future that I will look at the relation ship and say "WTF!!" but I can look at my life now and see how much I was blinded by the "i didn't know what I didn't know" and how much "I lived my life for her" and not "me" which is maddening but, it allows me to look forward and start living life for ME! I have support in friends, Frankly I am tired of them asking "are you ok" they are well meaning and check in on me so I accept the question.
I am tired of being angry and upset about this situation that I didn't ask for, but it will end soon. I am running, exercising, spending money (gifts) for me that I might not have $$ for but why the heck not. I need to find some happiness now. I planed a few weekend get aways, and I have rekindled some friendships I had lost. Funny actually that I lost those friendships because I was investing so much love and energy into my wife that I didn't have time for anyone else. Now I have all the time for my friends and I am happy for that.
You may ask why did I write what I wrote? Well it's a response to you question and also a record for me someday to look back and see where I was and my state of mind at this point in the separation.
- Davin
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Re: Time from disclosure to resolution?
JoeC wrote:
BlindsidedinPA
I am in the process of divorce. Long history, nearly 20 years of marriage and have known each other for 29 years. Great marriage, great family, wonderful friends, good parents together. We had everything and it looked awesome from anyway we looked at it. Though, we didn't know what we didn't know.
My story is very similar -- change the time to a few more years, my wife is still in denial instead of in a relationship, but the stories are the same. Mine has moved out and has her own place now, we are going through the process of the divorce proceedings, and hopefully by the end of March we will be officially divorced and on separate life paths.
It does get better. People tell me that I look visibly different, in a good way, that the positive changes in my life are visible and palpable. I've dropped 36 pounds in 3 months and am exercising six days per week again. I feel better and my spirits are greatly improved. I have hope once again, that things in my life can be better than they have been for a very long time.