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January 29, 2020 3:32 pm  #1

Can my marriage survive

I met my husband when I was 13 years old, he was 15. I instantly wanted to be his girlfriend but he wanted to be friends. We became the best of friends. He opened up to me about his disfunctional childhood and his hatred for his mother. You see he had just moved out of his mother’s house (from another city) to live with his dad and stepmom. It’s a long story but even after all these years he consistently says he had such a deep hatred towards his mother that it made him untrustworthy of girls and intimidated to date them. However he was close to me and I basically threw myself at him. Ha! We dated a few months my freshman year of high school, he broke up with me and I was miserable. Our high school years were interesting because we dated on and off ( mostly off) but we stayed the best of friends. There were 2 times we tried to have sex but shortly after we started he would pull away and run to the bathroom and come back to say that he couldn’t keep his erection due to being high on pot or alcohol. Yes, we weren’t the most innocent teenagers.

By the end of my senior year, he had moved to another state because he was making such bad choices so his family kicked him out and told him to live with his grandmother. (On a side note, I had met his mother one weekend after 6 years of knowing him and she told me she thought he was gay). My parents let me visit him in Florida after graduating HS and we had a great visit. His grandmother on this visit also told me she thought he was gay. By then he had admitted to me that he was confused about his sexuality and thought he might be gay but wasn’t sure. This was the mid 90’s and we didn’t know anyone openly gay our age, or anything about being bisexual.

I moved ro another city my junior year of college and was in a relationship. My husband found himself moving to the same city that same summer and we were both so excited to be reunited. Again we were the best of friends. Over a year or so, I had broken up with my then boyfriend, got closer to my now husband... he shared stories of his bisexual encounters with me. There weren’t many encounters and rh e stories revolves around him saying he was under the influence, had a difficult time performing, confusion, and the list goes on. Hearing these stories I believed he was more gay than straight but he always said he was attracted to women and definitely attracted to me. I think out of curiosity, we tried to have sex one night and to our surprise he was able to complete the act. It really bonded us and our love for one another as intimacy can do. This led us to explore more and more and within the next 4 years we were married.

We’ve been married 16 years now and for the last 4 months we’ve revisited his sexuality and our past before marriage, during marriage and asking ourselves if our marriage can survive another 16 years or a lifetime.

I have read a lot about bisexuality, mixed orientation marriages, etc but still haven’t gotten the clarity I need from my research or through my talks with my husband or my therapist.

Our marriage has been wonderful. We are great together. We don’t have children and don’t plan to at this point since I’m in my early 40s. Two years ago I noticed that our sex life was non existent. The few times we tried he would lose his erection. We didn’t discuss it like we should have until almost a year later when we hadn’t had sex. He said he had ED and was embarrassed. I suggested he talk to our doctor and get some viagra. I asked that once he gets the viagra to come find me and let’s have sex to reconnect. He got the viagra but didn’t pursue me.

The next few months I started focusing on myself, my mind, body, spirit. I lost weight and people were noticing. I felt sexier and more confident but wasn’t getting what I wanted from my husband. He made comments that he was proud of me but I still needed to lose more weight. One day I decided to give him a bj and we had good sex. A week later he mentioned that he wanted another bj and I said I wanted one from him. He said he doesn’t like to do that and also wants me to be more fresh down there. I balled my eyes out.

I had never felt more disconnected from him, unattractive, or alone. I found myself crushing on our very masculine friend. I then realized I needed sex, intimacy, to feel desired, to feel sexy, wanted, I wasn’t getting it from my husband the last two years. I knew I didn’t want to have an affair so I opened up that little box I had locked and stored away alllll those years ago about his sexuality and decided to sit him down and start talking.

Here’s what I’ve been told from these serious, very candid discussions we’ve had so far:
- He says he’s attracted to men and women
- he says he’s not interested in having a relationship with a man. Ever.
- he has been faithful
- he wants to stay married and believes we are soulmates
- we both have started seeing our own therapists ( 2 months)
- he is being open with his therapist about his sexuality, childhood, experiences, ED,
- he is willing to learn more about himself and be open with me but really wants to stay married and work in our sex life once were both ready
- he had a history of cocaine abuse when he was younger and I told him that was a deal breaker for me in our marriage. I learned that he has been doing it occasionally over the 16byears but more frequently the last year. He says he will quit it for good. Can I trust him ever again?
- he’s been made aware of my crush on our friend and that I was faithful but definitely had an emotional affair. I’m no longer friends with him so we can figure out our marriage
-  My sister knows our story and thinks we can stay married. After all sexuality is very fluid and he’s an amazing husband in sooooo many other aspects. Is sex a deal breaker ? She recently went through a divorce and wants me to make sure we both discuss turn over every stone before we make a decision to divorce.

Sorry for the long post. I’m confused because I knew about his bisexuality before we were married. We have a great life, we’re still the best of friends, we don’t have children, and I’m just so unsure what to do moving forward. If neither of us has been unfaithful, willing to work on our sex life, and stay married, can we make this work? Or, is he really just gay and didn’t give himself enough time to explore that side of himself.


January 29, 2020 8:34 pm  #2

Re: Can my marriage survive

I think it depends on what he does, or doesn't do, and how you feel about that. If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to prioritize actions over words. I'm not suggesting honest and repeated communication isn't important, it's just that actions are the proverbial 'rubber meets the road'. Best wishes.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

February 6, 2020 4:42 pm  #3

Re: Can my marriage survive

The massive 2013 Pew Research LGBT survey found 84 percent of self-identified bisexuals in committed relationships have a partner of the opposite sex, while only 9 percent are in same-sex relationships.



Many bisexuals end up in straight relationships. One would hope that the gender of the bisexual person’s spouse is the gender they are most attracted to.

Marriage is rarely just about sex, as you have pointed out it is also about friendship and companionship, but sex remains important for many people. Only you and your husband can decide how a lack of sex with each other might affect your relationship in the long term.

It sounds like you are communicating in a very honest and straightforward way expressing your needs, expectations, disappointments, and fears. Thats a great start and really the only way forward.

You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 

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