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1 - Steve
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2003 v's 2016
This is a post for everyone who is wondering what the future might hold. I’ve been there – into the future I mean – and here’s what happened.
In 2003 I thought I would not survive. I hate to say it but at times in 2003 I wanted to die.
In 2016 I’m still alive 
In 2003 I thought I would lose my sons aged 8 and 9.
In 2016 my sons are 21 and 22. My ex and I co-parented and I had them 50% of the time. At first I hated being away from them for any period of time. Eventually we settled into our routine and I quite liked the ‘week on / week off’ thing. A week of intense parenting and then a week to do whatever I wanted. Not a bad lifestyle when you think about it.
In 2003 I thought my sons would suffer greatly from a ‘broken home’ and a having a gay parent.
In 2016 my sons are doing great. They are great young men and great friends to both each other and to me. Both have girlfriends. Both graduated high school, both have jobs and both are doing university courses. They handled the divorce remarkably well and the ‘gay’ thing… well… it’s a different world now. Having a gay mum is a little ‘unusual’ I guess but no one gave them grief about it. They roll their eyes about their mum sometimes (as I’m sure they do about me) but they love her… as they should.
In 2003 I thought I would lose everything
In 2016 I still have a roof over my head. Sure… I’m not where I would have been but I’ve done ok. I’ve provided a home for myself and for my sons. I’m actually just about to buy a new house. Our divorce was painful but as amicable as a divorce can be. It was ‘fair’. We didn’t try to break each other and we kept lawyers out of it as much as possible. Neither of us could see the sense in giving all of our money to lawyers.
In 2003 I felt isolated and alone
In 2016 I have more friends (and better friends) than I had in 2003. Real friends stepped up and come to the fore. I am forever grateful to old friends and new that came into my life to love me when I needed it most.
In 2003 I doubted everything I ever believed in
In 2016 I am a different person in many ways. At the core I guess I’m still the same but I’m a wiser person now or maybe I mean a less naïve person. I feel I know myself now better than I ever did and the pain I went through has made me a more compassionate person. A more loving person. I take less for granted now and I value family and friends more. I’m a better person now than I might have been had I not been through this.
In 2003 I was 40 and wondered if I’d ever be in another relationship.
In 2016 I have had a couple of long term relationships. I dated a lovely lady for 7 years but it didn’t work out (long story). For the last few years I have been dating my childhood sweetheart again. We went to school together. Met when we were 15. Dated from 17 to 21. We were each other’s first boyfriend and girlfriend. 35 years later (and a divorce each) we are back together.
I know you can’t imagine your future right now and if you are imagining anything it may be doom and gloom. Fear and pain is unfortunately natural in these situations. You have a lot to get through but I want you to know that the future is STILL to a large extent what you choose to make it.
Us ‘old timers’ have been in the same dark tunnel many of you are in right now. As a friend said to me once if you reach out you will feel our scratch marks in the walls. It does end. There is a light. Don’t give up.
One step at a time. One day at a time. Have a hope. Dare to dream.
Last edited by Steve (September 16, 2016 6:03 pm)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- Rob
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
Thanks Steve. Your posts mean a lot.
Right now I'm out of the closet but it's still hitting me in head.
Having a bad day.
Everyday when I think I'm doing ok.. wham..some new mean thing from my ex. That coupled with my hurt and fear makes getting away from TGT seem endless. Your ex sounds like a saint.
Last edited by Rob (September 16, 2016 9:16 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Steve
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
Rob... I know how you feel mate. The next worse thing to thinking there is no end is knowing there is an end but still being a long way from it. My post is really a response to people who ask 'is there an end to this?'
Some advice that worked for me was to just slow down. Take one day at a time. Try to deal with only what you can handle on any given day. If you want to just curl up and cry do that. If you can take baby steps forward do that. If you must step back do that. If you can take giant strides forward do that.
You WILL have backward days. You WILL have days that sit you back on your arse. Days when you get bad news and days that hurt. But those days become fewer and you WILL eventually feel you are making progress.
Shock and grief eventually give way to acceptance. Acceptance enables us to make plans and act. You're still in shock and grief Rob. Don't beat yourself up for that. It's normal.
Be patient with yourself. You'll get there.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- •
Thread Starter- Steve
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
Rob wrote:
.Your ex sounds like a saint.
Well... 'Saint' no... But as painful as my divorce was at the time I have realized over the years (especially reading here) that it could have been so much worse.
I wasn't blamed - she took full responsibility
She didn't try to take the kids off me
The financial settlement was fair
She didn't try to rearrange the 'structures' already in place like schools etc.
We co-parented cooperatively
I never thought these words would come out of my mouth but I guess I'm grateful and to be honest I have already told her that we (she and I) should be proud of how we handled things especially for our kids sake. It's difficult for me to think of my divorce as 'a good one' just because it could have been worse. It still hurt like hell.
The reality is that we see all sorts of non-straight spouses here. From the genuinely confused, contrite, hurting type who deeply regret what they are doing to us... to the vengeful, selfish, psychopaths and vampires who WILL kill you emotionally and spiritually if you make the mistake of not distancing yourself quick enough.
I'm very very sorry about a lot of what I read here. I've read it all over the years and it STILL makes my head spin sometimes. It takes a special kind of someone to be at fault and then turn it around to blame others. It's very, very sad. I just hope you all see it for the bullshit that it is and that you don't buy into it.
Let their psychoses be THEIR psychoses. You will not be able to stop them believing their own lies. Leave them with their delusions and their re-write of history. Get out and get away ASAP.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
yeah, thanks Steve. I'm 3 years out now and I am in curl up and cry territory a lot at the moment. I have been better but not now.
um, are you saying your ex was genuinely contrite? confused about her sexuality and hurting over hurting you?
it does sound very nice - sainthood could be considered!
- Steve
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
I was talking about SOME of our ex'x or STBX's being confused, contrite and hurting.
I'd say mine was confused and getting really shitty advice from lesbian 'friends' on the Internet. Contrite in so much as she said "I'm sorry you have to go through this."
Nothing I could do was going to stop that particular train wreck. Me and my family were along for the ride.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- •
Thread Starter- Steve
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
Lily... You've been better and you will be again. Don't beat yourself up over 'curl up and cry' days. They happen. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to deal with in your life. Hopefully THE hardest.
You're doing great
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
thanks Steve. congrats on your sons doing so well and the new or rather renewal of relationship.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this" is pretty good but it doesn't sound exactly like she's hurting over hurting you.
I got a stiff little "I'm sorry" one morning. He just didn't tell me what he was sorry about. I still had to find that out for myself.
funnily enough I got a bigger "I'm sorry" blurted out by his elder brother when they were visiting - I'm not sure he knew what he was saying sorry for either, he is straight. I did appreciate it tho.
yeah I seem to have hit a 3 year wall. I'm still grateful to be living alone rather than with my ex but I'm still not quite cutting it and being that bit older am having trouble imagining an improving future, more a deteriorating one and I am sort of spending a lot of time curled up at the moment. It still feels restorative. just aware of time ticking. so I was grateful for your post - be patient with yourself you said and it felt like good advice.
- Sue
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
Beautifully rendered and gives me such hope. Thank you.
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- Keepinghope
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Re: 2003 v's 2016
Steve, thank you for sharing this post. I'm only 14 months out from discovery and nine months post divorce, after 25 years of what I thought was a decent marriage to a man I thought was good and true. Ha!
My sudden discovery and my GIDXH's continued denials, on tops of years of lying, and then the loss of my dad and my in-laws (who blame me, natch!) made it an incredibly painful experience.
I went through seven months of nonstop weeping and despair, had serious doubts about whether I could recover, and after my dad died ended up on antidepressants. I knew I needed to find more support and social activity.
Eventually I found a SSN group for live support, plus online support, and now, familiee. Even though I'm pretty new to this, I've met wonderful new friends, done dozens of activities I would not have done, offered support and love to others in a way I would not have previously. I love my life and there's not too much I would change, except wishing he had been who I thought he was.
Putting this out there to say, yes, there is hope, and healing and peace. It's a rocky road but we are strong and we are not alone.