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January 28, 2020 7:57 pm  #1

He's my best friend, but now what?

I can't believe I'm here putting this all out there. I'm only a week into this new world of mine so forgive me if this is jumbled.

My husband came out to me just a week ago. No cheating (which I believe), he just felt like he could finally accept himself enough to admit this to me. Apparently this was something he thought of when he was a teenager and even wrote a letter to his parents about, only to be told by his father that it was "just a phase". Clearly not. My husband has struggled a lot in his life with his mental health, and in the last year has finally gotten to a place where he was happy with himself. I have struggled as well but to a lesser extent. We moved halfway across the country (away from his parents), both started new jobs that we love, and I personally thought we were both finally going to get our happy ending together.
I want to be mad, but I'm just so sad both for him and myself. Sad for him because of all the emotional trauma his father has caused. Sad for myself because I finally was happy and now someone yanked all that away from me. The only person I'm mad at right now is his father for being such an awful parent to put his son in this position. We both still love each other, and his guilt and pain is immense. He feels terrible that the cost of finding his true self involves hurting me.

Telling people has been difficult. The shock of my parents and friends combined with saying it out loud sends me back to when I first heard it. At the same time, I feel like I'm lying so deeply to people that I care about but haven't told yet but I fear their reactions. 

I immediately started therapy, and I hear from people that I'm doing all the right things but I'm miserable deep down. I just want my happiness and my future back.


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