lily wrote:

Monogamy is an interesting topic -...... 

Oh yes....I could have talked very self-satisfyingly, almost arrogantly....about monogamy ten years ago. And still 
five years ago I was still clinging on to a belief it was the protective shell that held my r'ship together. 
Now I know "monogamy" is a construct an individual uses to describe how that individual wants their r'ships to be. 
It has little to do with anybody else
 

rlrthesecond wrote:

But as long as your partner has the same construct of monogamy, it can be easily defined and built upon.

 
I thought we were on the same page, had 'worked' on the same construct but 
I never knew the exact moment my Significant Other gave himself permission and entitlement to focus on his own needs, to the detriment of our r'ship.
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 25, 2020 8:17 pm)

Whirligig wrote:

I can imagine you are feeling something similar. It's near impossible to trust anyone after this isn't it?

I am hoping it is not impossible. My wife is now admittedly bisexual (I don't understand how this works) and still says she wants only me forever. She has had experiences of finding women sexually attractive, but says she doesn't actually want to have sex with women. To me, that makes no sense. Still, I love her and I believe she loves me. I really do love her very much - I really can't fathom loving anyone more than I do her. Still, this revelation scares me terribly. How do you not know this about yourself until you are confronted with the logic of your behavior in your mid 30s? You couldn't have convinced me I found men attractive or women unattractive since I was like 6 years old. I am reminded of these facts many times a day, every day! How it is that people can suppress or hide from these feelings within themselves blows my mind. I just can't imagine how it happens.

Still, I want to trust that my wife is merely a little bisexual, won't change her level or interest and won't go lesbian on me in 10 years...But that possibility still scares me. What also scares me is not just that she will go lesbian, but that her desire to be sexual with women will increase in a few years and, while she will still love me, her unsatisfied desires will make her resentful, depressed, anxious, or something else. Reading these forums is so very far from comforting, I kind of wish I hadn't found them. I want to trust her again, as fully as I did before.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

UserNada,
    A more pertinent question to ask yourself might be this: if your wife isn't planning to act on this newly discovered attraction to women, why is she telling you about it?  What use is there in disrupting a marriage in such a way if for all intents and purposes it is irrelevant..

She didn't so much as tell me as I asked her. We were discussing porn and I noticed she kept using ambiguous pronouns to describe the people in the ones she had watched. I asked her to clarify and she admitted that some of them were lesbian porn and photos of women. She claimed and, I believe, thought at the time that it was just her own enjoyment of sexuality itself and wasn't the women, per se, that she was attracted to. That made no sense to me, but after she reinforced the idea in my head after several conversations, I thought - "well, that isn't how I work, but ok." After almost a year, I was reviewing all her comments in my mind and just couldn't make them sensible.

So, I basically told her own comments and stories back to her, but with more detail of what I thought logically made sense in her thoughts and desires inserted where vague concepts were inserted before. At that, she broke down into tears, realizing that I was right and feeling as if she had lied to me. I don't think she was lying to me. She was lying to herself and just repeating the justifications to me. After that, I literally felt like I was in a living nightmare. I had never wanted to be with a bisexual woman - but now the love of my life for 15 years was one (and I seemed to know it before she did). We have spoken many times about it since the realization (about 3.5 weeks ago) and only more evidence has come out that she has felt this way, but always denied it. She also insists that she doesn't want sex with a woman and is absolutely attracted to me. If I take it for granted that she isn't lying to herself about this to, I am still left with accepting her being bisexual - which is something I really wasn't mentally prepared for.

In short, she didn't really bring it up. She considers the whole thing irrelevant, except for that it hurt me and preys on my mind. She says she doesn't feel like she has repressed anything, wants to experiment, or that this changes anything to her interests at all in being with me. It is hard to believe that, though. Stories abound of these realizations happening at 40 and the woman losing affection for her husband. Or, going lesbian at 50. Or realizing that they hid from themselves not only their sexuality, but also created false dreams and love with their husbands.

And, this all scares me to death. She was everything to me. I loved her more than life itself. Now, I feel lost, though she seems unfazed by anything except my response (to which she has been generally open to talking and comforting me with her intentions and feelings to be with me).

Last edited by UserNada (January 28, 2020 7:51 am)

UserNada,

A lesson many people have unfortunately learned the hard way is that if you press people about their fantasies you might hear something that you don’t want to hear. I have sexual fantasies, as does my wife, but I always exercise a lot of caution in expressing them to her because they might hurt her feelings or sow unnecessary seeds of doubt in her mind about my preferences or proclivities.

Say for example that I told her I fantasize about being with a woman with large breasts. (I don’t... it’s just an example) How would that make her feel given that she has small breasts? Would it make her feel inadequate? Unattractive? 

Say for example she told me she fantasizes about a particular celebrity who is polar opposite to me in looks? How would that affect me?

While discussing fantasies might seem like a ‘fun’ thing to do it can have very negative consequences if not handled properly.

You pressed your wife about her fantasies and she told you. She told you something that is now bothering you. You need to take some responsibility for that. (Sorry... I guess I’m asking you to put on your big boy pants)

It seems to me that at this point you have a choice. You can either make it into a massive deal NOW and potentially drive your wife away by coming across as insecure and untrusting OR you can let it go and trust her when she says that she wants to be with you.

The future is uncertain in ANY relationship. It is not outside the realms of possibility that your wife (or mine for that matter) might meet another MAN in the future and run away with him.

I humbly suggest that you calm your farm and don’t drive your wife away over something that hasn’t happened and might never happen.

You know what you know and you can’t un-know it... but you can handle it carefully.

If you feel it’s necessary you could get counseling about it but honestly I think the counseling should be focused on yourself and how you best deal with knowing something you would have preferred not to know.

There is every possibility that you will have a long happy marriage with your wife IF (as she told you) she wants to remain with you and you learn to deal with knowing she has a fantasy she has no intention to act on.