MomofFour,

I believe that you have idenitified the crux of the matter right here--
.  
 I now believe that you couldn’t feel the same passion for  me, no matter how hard you and I tried.    I believe your  extramarital “quest for validation” was your expression of sexual desires you had long suppressed. You didn’t initially choose men because you couldn’t get women, and you didn’t  continue to act out with men because you hated me or were angry with me for my adultery, my adultery and the loss of your parents gave you the out to explore and unleash the instincts and discovered a side of you that you are now trying to suppress again, at first to hold our marriage together, but maybe to hold your public and personal self image together. 

And I also believe that what you've said here speaks for many of us--

 I sensed for years that there  was something missing, but I thought I could look past it or fix it somehow, if I just became better.  I blamed myself.  I kept thinking I would figure it out.   I had no idea about your desires to have sex with men.  I now know my efforts were futile.   But the years of trying unsuccessfully  have been devastating to my feelings about myself as a woman.  I was not enough and was never enough and could not ever be enough to inspire you to show me the passion I longed to experience, the desire I longed to feel from my husband.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 23, 2020 10:52 pm)

Thank you both for insights - I have been lurking here for a year and appreciate the help you all share. 
     It is completely a therapeutic letter, and sharing here is therapeutic.  I gave him a version of this months ago, no response.   We are cordial but basically zombie walking to finish (divorce filing held up as some financial agreements finalized).   
     What’s been painful for me is that my former best friend, most beloved  can’t acknowledge how he hurt me. But I guess that’s because he can’t acknowledge himself.   hiding and denying TGT becomes the primary objective and sucks up everyone’s energy.

Momof4,

The most stressful part of my divorce was the month before it was final. I didn’t know if the judge would agree to the financials. Maybe this is true for you as well?

It’s been 3.5 years since my divorce & 2.5 yrs since his death. I’ve worked with a therapist to deal with the anger & pain of being duped by my late GIDXH.

You say that he can’t acknowledge what he did to you, The accurate word is won’t.  They are not children, schizophrenic, or more worthy of understanding and sympathy than we are.  He is the party at fault here. If anything, don’t let him off the hook.

I wish you all the best.