Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



January 22, 2020 4:55 pm  #1


The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

Hello to all of you heartsick ladies and gentlemen on this quest to navigate this most difficult situation.  I write this after almost 3 years of constant reading on this forum and nearly going crazy with the thought of the man I love being gay, lying to me, being narcissistic, cruel, lack of sex, and all of the many other things that fall exactly in line with absolutely everything I’ve read repeatedly on this forum.  I like many others, could never ever find proof no matter how much my gut told me something was off, no matter how much I snooped and I was sure he was gay.  However, I am writing today in hopes I can offer some insight into something else that could be going on and in my case was.  I in NO way am trying to discount the agony or validity of the fact that much of the time these closeted gays are hiding their truth and hurting the women and men in their lives and I urge you to get out of these relationships and the chaos they are creating as I completely have felt the uncertainty and crazy making it causes in your life and it is completely dysfunctional.  But, if you, like me, somehow keep feeling in the bottom of your stomach and heart that the person you love IS telling you the truth and that they are not gay and there could be something else at play... consider my story.  My partner as it turns out, was unbeknownst to me, has Asbergers syndrome.   A high functioning autism disorder.  Symptoms mimic very closely those of narcissistic personality disorder with the exception that the acts are not intentional as the disorder is characterized by mind blindness which leaves a person unable to express empathy, put themselves in someone else’s shoes and is a literal thinker to the point of not understanding social norms and therefore can be critical and socially inappropriate.  Sexually, they have sensory issues which inhibit their interest in sex, most Asbergers couples start off having limited sexual encounters and within 2 years into their relationships are almost completely non sexual.  They never initiate and sex is just not a necessary part of life for most of them. They don’t like touch and affection is just foreign to them. Touching or any affection in public is especially offensive to them.   OCD is a common accompanying disorder of Asbergers which in the case of my partner led me to believe he was hiding things from me.  No receipts anywhere, no paper trails, pockets always clean, car immaculate, browsers clear, navigational history always clear, everything wiped clean.  But once I looked further, all his radio stations were also always wiped clean and also  everything else that was insignificant and not necessary to hide!  It was all just a part of his OCD... not him hiding things from me... just his obsessive nature.  In addition, he would disappear for periods of time.  I would be sure he was up to no good.  Which made sense to me in light of his “hiding” of information, sometimes “cruel” behavior and  lack of sex, however as I have now learned Asbergers people require massive amounts of alone time in order to regulate their sensory processing and basically just to quiet their minds and bodies.  It takes them 100 times more energy to get through the day than most of us.  His disappearing acts would usually occur after we had spent a vacation together or a holiday with family or other social situation where I can now look back and see he was overloaded.  We typically had been very close emotionally during these times so it felt completely cold hearted and intentionally cruel when he would just drop me after such loving encounters.  I felt he was just putting in a short effort to keep me on the hook so that he could go back to his “gay lifestyle” once he gave me what he had too.  But, the times he gave me his love seemed too sincere and his outright denial of being gay seemed to honest and his care for me during times I’ve had surgery and been sick were too real to think this life could really be a complete charade.  In the end I was right.  He has Asbergers.  He WAS in the closet.  But not for being gay, he was hiding his asbergers.  I knew he was hiding something, I just didn’t know what.  I had called him gay so many times.... he was so ashamed of his Asbergers he would rather be called gay than admit his Asbergers.  One other note.... he also ALWAYS looked at very manly attractive men.  Another sure sign to me of his gayness.  I have come to realize, most asberger affected men were bullied and beat up as children and adolescents.  I see now that he watches the men that he wants to emulate and wants to be like and act like not that he is attracted to although it sure presented itself that way to me along with all of the other signs.  He also doesn’t have the social awareness to realize his staring could be misconstrued as flirting. It all looks very much like a gay in denial situation.  These men are very desperate to have a successful relationship with a woman and very rarely do because their social skills and self esteem are very low.  Most of them have extremely high IQ’s and quite interesting and unique personalities.  They have fun childlike qualities but are also high end professional careers.  My “Aspie” is very handsome and I would have never guessed he harbored such insecurities deep down. This has been THE MOST CONFUSING journey of my life, but I love this man and it has been worth it to hang in there and figure this out.  Once I got to the bottom of all of this and gently confronted him with it... and assured him I couldn’t love him any less by knowing he had this condition, he admitted it and we have now found a new way to communicate, I now understand his behaviors and see where they come from and they make sense!  For any of you that this may help.... I hope it does.  I’m not trying to lead anyone down the wrong path... but it’s worth researching if TGT just doesn’t feel quite right and your not quite ready to give up on someone you love and you don’t have any proof.  Good luck to you all and I wish you all peace in your hearts.

 

January 22, 2020 5:48 pm  #2


Re: The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

Soprano wrote:

Hello to all of you heartsick ladies and gentlemen on this quest to navigate this most difficult situation.  I write this after almost 3 years of constant reading on this forum and nearly going crazy with the thought of the man I love being gay, lying to me, being narcissistic, cruel, lack of sex, and all of the many other things that fall exactly in line with absolutely everything I’ve read repeatedly on this forum.  I like many others, could never ever find proof no matter how much my gut told me something was off, no matter how much I snooped and I was sure he was gay.  However, I am writing today in hopes I can offer some insight into something else that could be going on and in my case was.  I in NO way am trying to discount the agony or validity of the fact that much of the time these closeted gays are hiding their truth and hurting the women and men in their lives and I urge you to get out of these relationships and the chaos they are creating as I completely have felt the uncertainty and crazy making it causes in your life and it is completely dysfunctional.  But, if you, like me, somehow keep feeling in the bottom of your stomach and heart that the person you love IS telling you the truth and that they are not gay and there could be something else at play... consider my story.  My partner as it turns out, was unbeknownst to me, has Asbergers syndrome.   A high functioning autism disorder.  Symptoms mimic very closely those of narcissistic personality disorder with the exception that the acts are not intentional as the disorder is characterized by mind blindness which leaves a person unable to express empathy, put themselves in someone else’s shoes and is a literal thinker to the point of not understanding social norms and therefore can be critical and socially inappropriate.  Sexually, they have sensory issues which inhibit their interest in sex, most Asbergers couples start off having limited sexual encounters and within 2 years into their relationships are almost completely non sexual.  They never initiate and sex is just not a necessary part of life for most of them. They don’t like touch and affection is just foreign to them. Touching or any affection in public is especially offensive to them.   OCD is a common accompanying disorder of Asbergers which in the case of my partner led me to believe he was hiding things from me.  No receipts anywhere, no paper trails, pockets always clean, car immaculate, browsers clear, navigational history always clear, everything wiped clean.  But once I looked further, all his radio stations were also always wiped clean and also  everything else that was insignificant and not necessary to hide!  It was all just a part of his OCD... not him hiding things from me... just his obsessive nature.  In addition, he would disappear for periods of time.  I would be sure he was up to no good.  Which made sense to me in light of his “hiding” of information, sometimes “cruel” behavior and  lack of sex, however as I have now learned Asbergers people require massive amounts of alone time in order to regulate their sensory processing and basically just to quiet their minds and bodies.  It takes them 100 times more energy to get through the day than most of us.  His disappearing acts would usually occur after we had spent a vacation together or a holiday with family or other social situation where I can now look back and see he was overloaded.  We typically had been very close emotionally during these times so it felt completely cold hearted and intentionally cruel when he would just drop me after such loving encounters.  I felt he was just putting in a short effort to keep me on the hook so that he could go back to his “gay lifestyle” once he gave me what he had too.  But, the times he gave me his love seemed too sincere and his outright denial of being gay seemed to honest and his care for me during times I’ve had surgery and been sick were too real to think this life could really be a complete charade.  In the end I was right.  He has Asbergers.  He WAS in the closet.  But not for being gay, he was hiding his asbergers.  I knew he was hiding something, I just didn’t know what.  I had called him gay so many times.... he was so ashamed of his Asbergers he would rather be called gay than admit his Asbergers.  One other note.... he also ALWAYS looked at very manly attractive men.  Another sure sign to me of his gayness.  I have come to realize, most asberger affected men were bullied and beat up as children and adolescents.  I see now that he watches the men that he wants to emulate and wants to be like and act like not that he is attracted to although it sure presented itself that way to me along with all of the other signs.  He also doesn’t have the social awareness to realize his staring could be misconstrued as flirting. It all looks very much like a gay in denial situation.  These men are very desperate to have a successful relationship with a woman and very rarely do because their social skills and self esteem are very low.  Most of them have extremely high IQ’s and quite interesting and unique personalities.  They have fun childlike qualities but are also high end professional careers.  My “Aspie” is very handsome and I would have never guessed he harbored such insecurities deep down. This has been THE MOST CONFUSING journey of my life, but I love this man and it has been worth it to hang in there and figure this out.  Once I got to the bottom of all of this and gently confronted him with it... and assured him I couldn’t love him any less by knowing he had this condition, he admitted it and we have now found a new way to communicate, I now understand his behaviors and see where they come from and they make sense!  For any of you that this may help.... I hope it does.  I’m not trying to lead anyone down the wrong path... but it’s worth researching if TGT just doesn’t feel quite right and your not quite ready to give up on someone you love and you don’t have any proof.  Good luck to you all and I wish you all peace in your hearts.

Hi Soprano,

I just had one question. From your story, it sounds like you brought up asperger's and he confessed that he had it or did he bring it up first? The reason why I ask is that this sounds exactly like my story about my husband but of course mine is actually gay. I'm not saying that yours is gay either. I'm just curious

 

January 22, 2020 6:20 pm  #3


Re: The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

Hi!  I tip toed around it to him and finally brought it up and he admitted it.  This was after I went to see an Aspbergers psychologist specialist and discussed all of this at length with her and she said he sounded exactly like a classic Aspie male and all of the pieces finally fit. This was  after seeing my regular therapist for 2 years whom couldn’t help me make sense of anything at all the whole time and she didn’t think he was gay even though I was pretty insistent he was.   There have been other little things that were odd along the way as well, he threw my dog across the lawn once like he was a stuffed toy and had no realization that it was wrong, I was so stressed about our relationship I had lost 17 lbs in 2 months when we first moved in together and was saying something about all the weight and how could he not care or notice and he said “have you lost it or gained it?”  I was floored and thought he was just being cruel but now I know he really didn’t know!  Lol!  Anyhow, none of this was enough to be obvious to me he had a disability , just that something was kind of off and I kept searching and kept coming up with either gay in denial or NPD but.... now I know it’s Aspbergers.  It’s all very confusing and pretty interesting.  They also don’t see much gender difference so he could look at both sexes and be attracted to both... just as bodies per se.  I don’t know.  But I honestly don’t think he acts on it.  He can’t handle having his body touched much due to sensory issues.  I realize that now looking back on several sexual incidents we have had.

     Thread Starter
 

January 22, 2020 6:31 pm  #4


Re: The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

I also realize this whole post looks a lot like IM in denial.  But, if any of this rings true for anyone.  I really would encourage you to look up Aspbergers  Man and Neurotypical relationships and you will see the similarities are striking.
https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/could-aspergers-explain-your-relationship-difficulties/

Last edited by Soprano (January 22, 2020 6:36 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

January 22, 2020 7:00 pm  #5


Re: The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

Soprano wrote:

I also realize this whole post looks a lot like IM in denial.  But, if any of this rings true for anyone.  I really would encourage you to look up Aspbergers  Man and Neurotypical relationships and you will see the similarities are striking.
https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/could-aspergers-explain-your-relationship-difficulties/

Thanks Soprano! I've read the site and it certainly sounds like my husband but he acts on these things. He has even confessed to being pansexual, meaning hes attracted to all different types of individuals. Maybe there is something here but I wonder if aspy ppl know how to manipulate people or people just conform to them? I described my husband as a master manipulator

 

January 22, 2020 11:41 pm  #6


Re: The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

Perhaps I missed it, but was he diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Asperger’s?  I would be wary of a self-diagnosis. Why didn’t he simply tell you when he knew.  Why did you have to ask?

It may be true, but my late GIDXH told me he thought he had ADD. When that was not it, he thought early stage dementia. That wasn’t true either. 

There is a difference between inappropriate (monopolizing a conversation)  and cruel/abusive behavior (ridiculing a partner’s looks, for example). Asperger sufferers don’t usually engage in the latter.

Be careful. Again, get a diagnosis. Take care!

 

January 23, 2020 6:59 am  #7


Re: The Gay Thing Never Felt Quite Right

MJM017 wrote:

Perhaps I missed it, but was he diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Asperger’s?  I would be wary of a self-diagnosis. Why didn’t he simply tell you when he knew.  Why did you have to ask?

It may be true, but my late GIDXH told me he thought he had ADD. When that was not it, he thought early stage dementia. That wasn’t true either. 

There is a difference between inappropriate (monopolizing a conversation)  and cruel/abusive behavior (ridiculing a partner’s looks, for example). Asperger sufferers don’t usually engage in the latter.

Be careful. Again, get a diagnosis. Take care!

That was my thought also MJ. @soprano, if your spouse has living parents, why dont you ask them or surprise your mate with an evaluation so you'll have peace.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum