Dear all, I found this forum after 10 days of anguish and despair and continuous panic attacks. I have read most of the posts in this forum and they empower me. I would like to get support for my case especially in helping me think through the situation so I can lift myself up again from this chaotic mess. So, here is my story.

When I met my husband in 2009 (he is 33 and I am 37 now), he told me that he crossdressed in college and that he was bisexual. Most of his long-term relationship was with women and he hooked up with 1-2 men for oral sex. We were in love with each other and had a great time together that we decided to get married. When we got married in 2011, we agreed that we married to each other as a human and not as a particular gender/sexuality. So, I accepted his queer identity because at the time I found our sexual and romantic relationship fulfilling. I didn't see any particular differences between him being queer vs. being a man--he performs well in bed. During our entire relationship, he never dressed as a woman or showed attraction to a man, so he told me recently that he thought his college time was just a phase. 

Fast forward to the recent past, our daughter was born in 2015 and since then our marriage began to face rocky times. My mother passed away a few months before our baby was born. When the baby was two months old, I was busy with an important job interview that landed me to a job in a cosmopolitan city in the US. He was not very excited about moving but he had no choice because he didn't have a job. 

In general, I would describe him as moody--he can be happy one day and sad the next day. He is easily irritated and annoyed by things; he thinks people see him as annoying and are there to attack him. He couldn't handle criticism yet is critical to everything. He loses things (keys, phone, stuff) almost everyday; he breaks stuff (cups, plates) often. When that happens, he would be very annoyed and frustrated, but once he finds his key, he would act as if nothing happens. He has difficulty making decisions and he told me when we first met that he has "at his core very low self esteem" and that he is fundamentally "very confused." It seems that it's very difficult for him to manage his emotions. He talks about himself a lot and when he meets other people, he seems to not be able to 'filter' what he needs to share (oversharer). For a few years, I adjusted myself to this situation. I loved him so I tried to understand him. 

On the other hand, he is very loving, gentle and sensitive. He is a great listener. He is reflective of his flaws, but, often for the above problems, he doesn't seem to be able to control them. 

However, since the death of my mom, the birth of my baby, and a new job, I feel really overwhelmed. The relationship seems to be very stressful. At first, I thought it was because of my issues above. But I also feel he was in constant anger, sadness, resentment to me. He has been in the job market since we moved to get a job of "his dream" but in reality the kind of job he wants is very difficult to find. I have the job that he wants so he told me he often sees me as his competitor now. He has been on a project-based job that is related to his field but he wants the ultimate dream job above anything else. He asked me that I should be willing to move with him and quit my job if he gets his dream job elsewhere. I entertained this possibility--after all I am the woman, it's easier for me to stay at home than him. 

Two years ago, he cheated on me (not sleeping, just emotional attraction and kissing and oversharing our story) to a woman (they did plan to sleep the next time around but he confessed to me before that happened). He admitted then that he had a similar fling with another woman in 2013 (he made a new gmail account so that he could chat with that woman). When I found out about this cheating, I felt really betrayed; my world collapsed. But all I could think about at the time was to be compassionate and be forgiving, which I know the only way for me to heal as well. Since then, we began seeing each of our individual therapists and a couple/family therapy. He said he didn't think he actually loved me or that he was ever attracted to me (he thinks I don't look beautiful in the way mainstream media depict beautiful women).  He also told me that he felt that I was controlling and that he didn't have room to breathe. I took all he said as a room for me to grow. I was depressed when my mother died and I thought that affected our relationship. I try to listen to him more and include him in decision making, which I actually always do but this time I make more concerted efforts. We continue to have sex even right after he cheated on me and I try to be sexy and do different things for him. Yet, despite all those efforts, he still feels bad about the relationship and I experience that. He shows up often uninterested, indifferent and distant in the relationship; some other times he would be profusely apologizing for everything he did. He swims in guilty feeling but couldn't seem to live himself up from it. When we share the physical space, his eyes are glued to his phone. When we go out on a date, he smiled but I could feel the awkwardness of how that smile concealed his anger and resentment and unattraction to me. 

Last August, he told me that in his therapy it becomes clear that he wants to be a transgender/woman. He said he has gender dysphoria. I felt betrayed a second time. Only this time, I don't know what to do and I don't know what that means. Since then he started to splurge on women's clothes, underwear, jewelry, and makeup. Without consulting with me, he'd shave his legs and wear nail polish. All of these actions were done often without telling me so I usually found myself shocked. I had a couple episodes of panic attacks last month when he clothed like a 12 years old girl and when I found those women's clothes. I myself have become affected mentally by this situation--in addition to our ongoing relationship problem. I was in despair to the point that I didn't feel anything has any meaning for me anymore--not my job that I actually love/enjoy so much, not my time with my daughter or friends. Seeing me suffered, he hated himself and purged most of the things he bought, telling me "I don't want to be a transgender. It's too difficult. Nobody will accept it." He said he wants to stay married and work on our relationship first before attending to the gender issue. He wants to "come out in this relationship." But I feel weird about that. I feel now this relationship becomes like a buffer, a safety net, for him because he knows how difficult it will be to come out so he wants my continuous support. Every now and then when I express to him that I don't think I can imagine being with a woman because I am clearly a cis woman, he'd call me transphobic or 'uneducated' on gender/sexuality. 

In the past few weeks, he has been out of town so I have room to reflect. Crying has been my mode. I cried non stop everyday for 40 days in 2018 when I found out he cheated on me. I still cry since but I have begun reaching out for help too, doing selfcare activities, meditating. I finally find myself again now. There are multiple layers of problems in this relationship: his emotional condition, his gender dysphoria, trust issues (I recently found him on tinder but I didn't confront him). Of course, I continuously seek understanding of my own parts in this mess--my own flaws and things I can work on including any inner child wound. I continuously love him deeply, loyal to him, and compromise for him and our family.

Another thing to add is I like to say "divorce" when we are fighting for as long as I remember. We went to a couple therapist as early as 2014 but moving on to have a baby a year later. Reflecting now, I might have used it to threaten him or I might actually want the divorce because of how unhealthy the relationship is. I know now that I need to educate myself about the situation so I can make a decision that is well informed and does not come out of volatile emotions.

 I especially want to know if his gender dysphoria is just "another phase"? Does his hidden desire to be another gender relate to the cheating, his low self esteem, and inability to control/manage his emotions? I think I can probably manage to come up with strategies to deal with his low self esteem/emotions, which are very hard to face. But I don't know if accepting his gender dysphoria in this relationship will be wise for me going forward. I feel that I am compromising so much that this relationship affects my health and well being so severely.

Thank you for reading this long note. 

Last edited by zen (January 21, 2020 10:32 am)