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1 of 1- Ssej92
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What to do?
It’s been 3 months since we got married, and 2 months since I found out my husband is bisexual. I’m still completely lost and heartbroken about what to do from here. We’ve been together 5 years and I would never have suspected even a little that he liked guys. I found this out by looking through his phone and seeing that he downloaded the kik app and was asking to meet up with 2 guys, i then found his personal sex ad online requesting sex from men. He said he never met up with anyone and never would, it was all just out of curiosity. My mind wonders endlessly every day. And he continues to live our life as if everything is okay and will be okay, but I’m not sure it can or will be.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: What to do?
Ssej92 wrote:
It’s been 3 months since we got married, and 2 months since I found out my husband is bisexual. I’m still completely lost and heartbroken about what to do from here. We’ve been together 5 years and I would never have suspected even a little that he liked guys. I found this out by looking through his phone and seeing that he downloaded the kik app and was asking to meet up with 2 guys, i then found his personal sex ad online requesting sex from men. He said he never met up with anyone and never would, it was all just out of curiosity. My mind wonders endlessly every day. And he continues to live our life as if everything is okay and will be okay, but I’m not sure it can or will be.
Welcome to the Forum Sse 
It's a heartbreaking discovery to find out the man you thought you knew is keeping such an important part of who he is...from you.
First things first...take a deep breath, then another...keep remembering breathing is good. Go read the First Aid Kit at the top of the General board.
Yes your man will continue to want to keep this between you and him because he doesn't want anyone to know. He won't be losing anything if you keep it secret. But secrets kill relationships. It makes us mistrust anything our partners say.
Do you have any close friends or family you can confide in who will keep your confidence as you start to unravel all of this? NOT keeping this discovery to yourself is, I know from my own situation....most important for your health and well-being.
Keep posting here. We have a Forum-ful of advice and compassion for what's happening to you
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Mam7172
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Re: What to do?
As someone said to me last week when I posted here for the first time “welcome to the site nobody wants to join.” (You can see my story in the support section under is he/she gay)
My husband was caught right after the act. He had confessed he had been on the gay dating/hookup site Adam 4 Adam for the last two months and the night I caught him was his first and only time meeting someone. Yeahhhhhh right!!!!
I’m only a week in of knowing the secret life he has been hiding and like you, I’m only married a short time.
Since I have found him out I have been staying at my moms, talked to a few close friends and trying to sort all this out.
I’m sorry to say but IMO booth of our husbands have a very very dark secret life they have been hiding for a long time.
The hard part for me is that he continues to downplay the whole thing and making me out to be overreacting. I keep asking myself why he can’t admit what he has done. Where is the honor or integrity in him to be so selfish?
This is my life too.
I have found helpful to do your due diligence on researching all you can about what he is doing. Seek out counseling or confide in a friend.
Straight men don’t do what our husbands are doing. The moment a straight man would look on any gay website they would be nauseous in 10 seconds.
Don’t ignore your gut and do your best to take care of you.
- Daryl
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Re: What to do?
Sse, I hate to say this but I think it's a load of you know what. He looked for an app, installed it, set up a profile and then began soliciting hook-ups with others. I think that's more than just curiosity. What could he possibly be curious about that requires that much effort to figure out? On the contrary, I think he's jumped to this as a plausible excuse you "might" believe, if he sold it hard enough. He can't really deny it since it was on his phone. If he's in the closet, and wants to stay there, the truth isn't an option either. Now, I imagine, he's acting like it never happened in the hope you'll also forget about it, but is it over? Or does he become more careful in future?
You've already said your mind won't rest. That's not fair to you. Do you know when the app/profile was set up? Are there other red flags from the past that did not register at the time? This affects your future and you deserve one that's happy and fulfilling. Please take care of yourself.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ssej92
- New member
Offline
Re: What to do?
As someone said to me last week when I posted here for the first time “welcome to the site nobody wants to join.” (You can see my story in the support section under is he/she gay)
My husband was caught right after the act. He had confessed he had been on the gay dating/hookup site Adam 4 Adam for the last two months and the night I caught him was his first and only time meeting someone. Yeahhhhhh right!!!!
I’m only a week in of knowing the secret life he has been hiding and like you, I’m only married a short time.
Since I have found him out I have been staying at my moms, talked to a few close friends and trying to sort all this out.
I’m sorry to say but IMO booth of our husbands have a very very dark secret life they have been hiding for a long time.
The hard part for me is that he continues to downplay the whole thing and making me out to be overreacting. I keep asking myself why he can’t admit what he has done. Where is the honor or integrity in him to be so selfish?
This is my life too.
I have found helpful to do your due diligence on researching all you can about what he is doing. Seek out counseling or confide in a friend.
Straight men don’t do what our husbands are doing. The moment a straight man would look on any gay website they would be nauseous in 10 seconds.
Don’t ignore your gut and do your best to take care of you.
I just read your post, and I am sorry to hear about your situation as well. I hate to hear other people going through this.It’s the worse thing ever. The downplaying the situation is what gets me too. He says we just need to move on and get past this, gosh I wish it was that easy. We went to couples therapy and the counselor told me everyone makes mistakes and lies. I feel like I’m living in a different world. I would never lie and make this type of “mistake”. I tried contacting the man he tried to meet up with and he said he never heard of him. Why can’t people just be honest.
What do you plan on doing? Are you going to get a divorce?
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Thread Starter- Leigh2453
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Re: What to do?
It’s been 3 months since we got married, and 2 months since I found out my husband is bisexual. I’m still completely lost and heartbroken about what to do from here. We’ve been together 5 years and I would never have suspected even a little that he liked guys. I found this out by looking through his phone and seeing that he downloaded the kik app and was asking to meet up with 2 guys, i then found his personal sex ad online requesting sex from men. He said he never met up with anyone and never would, it was all just out of curiosity. My mind wonders endlessly every day. And he continues to live our life as if everything is okay and will be okay, but I’m not sure it can or will be.
My heart goes out to you, Sse. I remember how consumed by fear, confusion, and loneliness I was when my husband began to reveal himself after six months of marriage. I wish I had found this forum years ago, and I'm relieved for you that you have found it early in the process. Elle's advice is right on the mark. You must guard your physical and emotional well-being. You probably can't rely on him for that because he is so invested in protecting himself while seeking the experiences that he wants to have. If he's anything like my husband, you are part of his overall disguise, and the pressure on you to keep his secrets will escalate. Talk to your friends. Don't isolate yourself with this pain.