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- walkbymyself
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MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
This article from the "Modern Love" feature of the New York Times was popping up on my news feed. I finally clicked on it out of curiosity, and of course it triggered all kinds of upset feelings in me. I'm wondering, does SSN do the kind of public outreach and public awareness that organizations like GLAAD has always done? I have written so many letters to the editor in response to articles like this, and yet nothing gets published. I'm wondering whether SSN ever attempts to contact news outlets and point out how there's another side to this story.
I think there's a point where we are working so hard NOT to be judgmental about someone's "lifestyle choices" that we completely ignore warning flags. This account of a MOM had a few warning flags for me.
1. Husband who is a highly respected professional (in this case, a psychotherapist) whose superior background and credentials allow him to speak on his wife's behalf, and make unilateral proclamations that validate his own agenda.
2. Husband claiming to be "bisexual" as an apparent free pass to change the rules of the marriage because ... why again? Is bisexuality somehow incompatible with monogamy? Or, is the claim of bisexuality his own way of assuaging his guilt for having lured a woman into a marriage with a homosexual?
3. Marriage was entered into on the assumption that both parties are equally committed to monogamy, and at a point at which there are three young children in the house, husband changes the rules and pretends that both parties are of equal bargaining power. Whether or not the wife "consented", or merely "accepted because the alternative would have been disastrous" the fact remains that the rules changed at a point where she was deeply vulnerable, both emotionally and financially. If this arrangement had been in effect from the get-go, his claims might have a lot more credibility. If this article were being written by his wife, it might have a lot more credibility.
4. Two married men in "open marriages" agreeing that each one "respected" the others' marriage. Translation: I don't like being the only one who's doing this, and it makes me feel better if you're doing it, too. I have absolutely no respect for your marriage, but I need for you not to disrupt my cushy little situation where I get to have it both ways.
5. Twelve-year-old son is being kept in the dark. "He doesn’t know the dissonance my wife and I have long struggled with, having married according to a traditional template before creating this new one." Dude, when I read this, it almost sounds as if your wife is not actually as thrilled with the wonderful new life you've given her ... how ungrateful of her! But anyhow, let's hope your 12-year-old son doesn't read, because your article patting yourself in the back for protecting him from the reality of the family dynamic was just published in the New York Times.
Is there any way the SSN can contact the NY Times and offer a perspective on this? I can recall back when I first confronted my husband. It feels like a lifetime ago, but it was only April of 2018. My husband honestly thought we were going to go right on with this wonderful bohemian "marriage of convenience" as if we were living in the early 1900's in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat free of the shackles of conventional monogamy. It never dawned on him that we were living in a world with a real daughter, real financial pressures, real health issues, all of which necessitated a certain minimal familiarity with reality.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
Walkby,
I have the same feelings every time the NYT publishes something by "Jennifer" Finney Boylan which praises Boylan's wife for staying the marriage after Boylan transitioned to living as a woman: what I want to see is something written by the wife, not yet another public declaration by the man who changed the rules of the marriage when the wife was, as you say, "deeply vulnerable" both "emotionally and financially."
It might make you feel somewhat better to know that Bret Stephens' op-ed in the NYT today opened with these lines, which are certainly apropos for the writer of the Modern Love essay: “'The first principle,' said Richard Feynman, 'is that you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool.'”
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 11, 2020 12:59 pm)
- MJM017
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
This person has written elsewhere—
Did others find this essay hard to follow? It was like the word salad my late GIDXH would pull on me. I had to read it twice to understand what he was getting at and what he was hiding.
I could be cynical here, but is there another hidden agenda? He’s a licensed clinical social worker in a liberal city. Could he be drumming up business to couples wanting to explore an open marriage?
I agree someone should submit an essay on the straight spouse point of view. The PC point of view of the Times’ Style section needs to be challenged. It’s annoying.
Thanks for posting this. I passed it by on my feed as well.
(Edited for clarity.)
Last edited by MJM017 (January 11, 2020 5:35 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
I’ve been thinking about attempting to publish some essays I’ve written on the experience. If anyone has any suggestions where and how to attempt this I’d be grateful.
I hadn’t thought of editorials.
All the best,
ADSJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (January 11, 2020 8:48 pm)
- MJM017
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
Hey ADSJ,
Here’s the criteria for submitting an essay to the Modern Love column:
Would enjoy seeing your byline about straight spouses here or elsewhere.
BTW, Modern Love is named for the David Bowie song. I was never sure if he was bi or in the closet.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- walkbymyself
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
ADSJ, I've tried to write about it, too. I think it would be helpful for SSN to contact some of these sources. Back when GLAAD got started, that was pretty much their mission: they tried to ensure a balanced viewpoint.
MJM017, as far as "political agendas" go, one reason I would want to counter this particular column, is to point out that we here have no "natural allies" (for lack of a better term) in today's political climate. This is the second piece I'd read in the NYT in recent weeks, that i felt took a very difficult family dynamic and romanticized it for popular consumption. The other column (and I don't precisely recall the title) was written by the daughter of a M to F trans person. I wrote the editor and predictably. having spent an entire morning composing an e-mail detailing exactly what i was trying to get them to be aware of ... I received no response whatsoever.
But i do think that there's a tendency on their part to try so hard to be open-minded that they end up looking past all these warning signs. It reminds me a little bit of the way the French press was absolutely lionizing Gabriel Matzneff (a writer who openly advocated and boasted of sexual relationships with underage partners). The whole "misunderstood genius" thing lets these guys get away with anything they want.
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Thread Starter- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
Thanks WBMS and MJM
The intent to be open-minded... boundaries get crossed.
I saw a quote this morning that said unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of bad behavior.. Being open or loving unconditionally does not happen healthily without discernment.
A sad paradox is that it seems, as our culture and society in a well intended intended attempt to accept those that have been marginalized, ends up normalizing what were the margins and marginalizing what were the norms. Hence the side effects of such a shift including the SS experience is now at least ignored if not dismissed.
ADSJ
- MJM017
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
walkbymyself wrote:
ADSJ, I've tried to write about it, too. I think it would be helpful for SSN to contact some of these sources. Back when GLAAD got started, that was pretty much their mission: they tried to ensure a balanced viewpoint.
MJM017, as far as "political agendas" go, one reason I would want to counter this particular column, is to point out that we here have no "natural allies" (for lack of a better term) in today's political climate. This is the second piece I'd read in the NYT in recent weeks, that i felt took a very difficult family dynamic and romanticized it for popular consumption. The other column (and I don't precisely recall the title) was written by the daughter of a M to F trans person. I wrote the editor and predictably. having spent an entire morning composing an e-mail detailing exactly what i was trying to get them to be aware of ... I received no response whatsoever.
But i do think that there's a tendency on their part to try so hard to be open-minded that they end up looking past all these warning signs. It reminds me a little bit of the way the French press was absolutely lionizing Gabriel Matzneff (a writer who openly advocated and boasted of sexual relationships with underage partners). The whole "misunderstood genius" thing lets these guys get away with anything they want.
Hi Walk,
I think part of it is demographics for ads to keep business profitable. They’re adapting themselves to younger GenXs (mid-40s) & Millennials in the Style Section. There are no comments allowed on the Modern Love columns
as there are with other articles and columns. Not sure why.
I would try elsewhere in the paper. The columnist David Brooks is one who strikes me as an ethical and non-polemical thinker. Submitting online comments on stories regarding gay issues may help. I used to submit comments before TGT hit. Almost all were accepted. I had two which were NYT picks. One agreed with the POV and the other disagreed. I have written staffers and editors. I get responses half the time. One asked me to keep in touch. These had nothing to do with TGT though.
I googled PFLAG and found some sympathy for people in our shoes from the Atlanta, GA branch. Perhaps an article for them?
Your idea is a good one, walk. It’s an uphill climb. Many, including me, want to remain anonymous. (Temporary for me as I’m still hurting from the abuse. That’s the point of this is to offer support for the hurt so they don’t isolate. Kind of a double bind.)
Don’t despair about those entitled guys who get away with unsavory behavior. Bill Cosby is in prison, Harvey Weinstein is on trial and Prince Andrew is on no one’s list of favored royals. Do you believe Roman Polanski is returning to Los Angeles anytime in the near future?
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- MJM017
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
This study, The Mental Health of Sexual Minority Adults In and Out of the Closet: A Population-Based Study, was published in October 2015, four months after gay marriage became legal in the US.
!po=0.467290
I don’t think things have changed much. I put this here as a reference point. Additionally, someone may wish to contact the researchers about our experience with a closeted gay.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- walkbymyself
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Re: MOM? Or is this just a husband who wants to have it both ways?
Kath, I'm wondering, was there some specific thing that pushed your husband to confide this in you?
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