OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Cadodd01
- New member
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Looking for suggestions advice
I posted this somewhere else a few min. ago and think I posted in the wrong place.
My husband told me on 12-19-19 that he was gay/bisexual. I had NO idea. This hit me like a ton of bricks and my world came crashing down and each day is a struggle. He has told me that he has no idea what he wants right now, other than he does NOT want anyone to know. We are seeing a marriage counselor together and a therapist separately. We have been married for 10 years and together for 12. We both had children from previous marriages and we have raised them together. They are now in their 20's. We also have a 2 year old grandchild, who we both love with all our heart. I thought our marriage was a happy, stable, safe, secure, good marriage. I am not sure why at this point in our relationship and point in life, he told me this, other than the fact he says he has to figure out who he is and how he wants to live the rest of his life and do what makes him happy. I thought we were in our years of getting ready to retire and enjoy our life and traveling together.
During my meeting today with the marriage counselor, I was asked 3 questions. Would you consider a sexless marriage; would you consider an open marriage and would you consider bringing another male into your bedroom. I have no idea my thoughts on any of these right now. It is not something I had ever thought about or considered so I don't know the answer to any of these questions at this point. I know I don't have to answer any of these questions right now, it was more something to consider of what I could personally live with or without. Nor, do I know if any of these would even be something my husband would consider or not. I am looking for suggestions, advice etc. on any of these 3 questions. I know everyone is different and not the same thing is for everyone but I would like to know the pros, cons, and what worked for you or didn't work for you as well as how to or what boundaries to set.
- Dutchman
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Re: Looking for suggestions advice
To me it was quite clear:
I wouldn't have a sexless marriage, for I wanted to be in a real and intimate man-woman relation, not just 'being good friends'.
Secondly I'm monogamous, I'm very sure about that. (imagining to be in a relation that's not monogamous makes me feel sick)
So for me (us) there actually was just one option: Monogamous MOM (or else divorce).
My wife wanted to stay married with me so she chose for our relation. The consequence of that choice was that she had to deal with her lesbian feelings.
That's not back into the closet, on the contrary, fully acknowledging and accepting it. But also giving it a place in herself among several other aspects that define who she is.
Although it took several years (that were not easy), for us this worked out very well, we're both very happy and content (we're in a marriage of 35 years, the last 15 years of which in a MOM).
It greatly depends on whether the homosexual spouse is willing and able to handle his/her sexuality in a sensible and constructive way that aims at this choice.
If this very real intention is there, the straight spouse shouldn't be just a bystander, but play an active role to achieve this. It's very much a joint venture.