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December 10, 2019 12:49 pm  #11


Re: I need advice on a situation that is probably familiar to everyone

This situation does tend to “mess us up”.   The fact that for many of these gay spouses/partners............they know they are gay, but we don’t.  We feel like something is not quite right, but we can’t put our finger on it.  The reason we can’t is because they lie, deceive, and frankly don’t care about us (their spouse) or our children.  They really don’t care who they hurt along the way to have their wants/needs met.  And it’s no way to treat a spouse, but where things really become clear is how they are willing to behave knowing they are hurting the children. 

Mine took advantage of me for the cover, for the family and for the $$$$ & position he got by being in my family. He was, like Lily said, an actor.  He faked a role for almost an entire life to stay in the closet & married to me for his benefit!

My advice........get out sooner than later!  THEY DON’T CHANGE!!!  NARCISSISTIC & GAY!!!

 

December 10, 2019 12:59 pm  #12


Re: I need advice on a situation that is probably familiar to everyone

We say that here - they can't help being gay but they can help how they treat you and yes there is an obvious truth in that - they can't help being gay but just exactly how much can they help how they treat you?  

I know numbers upon numbers of married and divorced lesbians.  And there are similarities of behaviour, of attitude that I meet up with over and again.  To me it's like how can you think it's okay to marry a straight man knowing he isn't going to get what he needs from you.  Whereas to them it is an entitlement - full stop.

one young woman was chatting with me and calling herself bisexual - openly admitting she liked the women most, that is what excited her but when I said something like so why go after the men then she it's like it was clear she understood that it wasn't good for the man but she said how much she enjoyed flirting with them and seeing if she could hook one, how much fun it was when you did.

I can be judgemental if I want but also I can say would I feel judgemental if a bull shark bit me next time I go swimming in the river?  I don't expect them to be able to change the way they behave. 

 

December 10, 2019 3:30 pm  #13


Re: I need advice on a situation that is probably familiar to everyone

Anotherstraight,

So hard...the horribleness of TGT..if she goes out shopping with a friend is it two woman shopping or a date? Can she have a best friend without having sex with them?

I recall my GX saying you just dont want me to have friends...how twisted it was..if I was out with a guy buddy she knew damn well I not having sex.  The anxiety and stress they put on us is diabolical and they just shrug it off. 

My GX would never give up cheating with her girlfriend and had lied so,much..there were no proofs she could offer me even if she renounced her girlfriend and cut off all contact with her.

So horrible TGT is..there are no take backs once its out.

Wishing you strength, fortitude and wisdom.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 29, 2019 2:35 pm  #14


Re: I need advice on a situation that is probably familiar to everyone

“‘’Honesty’ without compassion and understanding is not honest, but subtle hostility”. Rose N. Franzblau

AnotherSS,
I think this quote summarizes what you are experiencing.  Others suffer in the name of the GIDXs “honesty“.  I may write more later, but your story is very similar to mine. My ex wanted to date, so she could be sure.  I let her, but in my case it took only a few weeks to realize she was beyond any path of return.  She came out on Pearl Harbot Day 2013 and I decided on divorce by mid January 2014.  She also attempted a reconciliation after 16 months of separation and a few weeks before filing our settlement.  And just last year, 2018, four and half years
out, she tells me she felt the divorce was a mistake. 

She misses the family life as did I.  Deconstructing my family was very painful.  But she can’t have her cake and eat it too.

I am since remarried and blending a new family.  Even now my current wife observed that my ex consistently makes an attention grabber about every two months with a non-existent concern with one of the kids. 

I tell you all of this because you asked for advice, so here it is. 
1) She is gay but she is conflicted between family and her desires. She also used you for safety all these years and her return is a manifestation of her fear to go it alone. 
2) The marriage you thought you had is over, a new one will take ENORMOUS negotiation and reciprocity to survive at any level. (By reciprocity , I’m not talking about her giving you an opportunity to have lovers, I’m talking about taking your needs into account).   I doubt that is possible because of her dating behavior. Her actions early on only served her purposes, not your need for fidelity.
3) if you decide to leave, you will have to lead this exit. 
4) If you leave, do some homework with an attorney to prepare for discussions with your ex, consider mediation to keep things civil and balanced.  Learn as much as you can about the laws in your state and even in your county. I live in a large tri-county metropolitan area and can tell you the county matters in my state.  Family court practices and sympathies to gay spouses varies greatly by county.

Sorry you are here...wishing you courage and strength on this journey...

All the best, 

ADSJ

PS My ex played ice hockey in a woman’s league for 20 of our 25 year marriage.  Her social life was virtually independent of mine in hindsight - she had enormous support in her lesbian community. It sounds like the friends that know are supporting you.  If you do divorce I wouldn’t worry about your wife’s landing.  She will assimilate just fine in her community. Focus on your children and yourself and ask for help when you need it. True friends show up when asked.

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (December 29, 2019 2:59 pm)

 

January 7, 2020 6:07 pm  #15


Re: I need advice on a situation that is probably familiar to everyone

Hi Another SS:

My gay-soon-to-be-ex-wife had an affair with the mother of one of our daughter's (now former) best friends.  We have three kids (ages 6, 9 and 12) and her girlfriend's family has three kids as well.

Here are the realities.  Your wife is not straight.  She lied about that.  She still likes the ladies.  She felt like she needed to have an affair.  She was willing to deprioritize you and your family so much that she moved out.  Is this really what you want?  If not, run.

You made a comment earlier that bothered me.  "I think the main issue I'm having is I don't want to take her back and resent her forever."  My friend, this is not a YOU issue.  This is a HER issue.  You are reacting normally to learning that your wife has had an affair, wouldn't call it off, moved out of the house, discarded you and the kids, and oh, yeah, isn't straight.  If you actually do consider trying to reconcile, the hard work of repairing the relationship is hers, not yours.

Good luck. 

 

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