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1 of 1- StraightSpouse1979
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Lost
I took my wedding cake topper, my engraved flutes, my engraved cake cutter, my unity candle and threw it in the trash that my stbx mtf husband will see because "he" does the trash. I didnt hide in in a bag. It is there for him to see. Why should I keep these things? HE has screwed over this marriage in a way I cannot even verbalize. It sounds so bad but anything to me would seem better than this. Drugs. Alcohol. I know that sounds messed up because those things are serious and are horrible but seeing your husband look like a damn woman and knowing everything you had for two decades has become this makes anything else seem so much less toxic. He is going to open a new account for just HIS money and my measly 16 hours a week for 14 dollars an hour pays for groceries and the sewer and i may have 200 hundred left for medications (which i started taking half of my wellbutrin in anticipation of saving money) and for any extras feminine products, dental visit because i have no insurance so that is like 200 dollars, i need new contacts and have no vision insurance, so i have to save everything left over so esentially i cant take my daughter to do anything because i wont have any money. I finally am going to seek some legal advice because i dont know what my rights are. I have to write down everything that has happened over the last 20 years especially the last year. I saved every conversation and emailed my google hangouts to myself at work so he cant delete them. He cant delete my microsoft vault because you need a passcode which is emailed to do that. I never thought i would ever feel so broken that I do right now. I just want my life back and it wont ever be the same and I dont want to start over.
- MJM017
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Re: Lost
SS, I also trashed wedding items almost 4 years ago. I threw away my wedding dress, picture album, and other marriage mementos. I tossed my e-ring and wedding band into the ocean. It gave me relief & peace of mind. It was the best thing I ever did. No regrets!
A lot of family courts have free self-help centers and seminars to discuss your rights, obligations and child custody/financial support & alimony during a separation/divorce.
In California. a spouse who earns the bulk of the family income has to pay 100% of the legal fees, if requested, for the lower earning spouse during a divorce. You probably know this, so sorry if this legal stuff is a repeat.
Many men do the same financial shenanigans as your h when a divorce is imminent. I googled many great sites written by women who had common sense advice on protecting yourself financially from high-conflict STBXs. This was a boon to me during TGT discovery & subsequent divorce planning.
This guy is something else. Watch him like a hawk & do BIFF. That gave me a sense of control when I thought I would never recover from leaving him.
I became a stronger, more resilient person. I came out ahead. I know you will too.
Hugs to you & your daughter. I truly hope it all works out in your favor.
Last edited by MJM017 (January 4, 2020 3:05 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Abby
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Re: Lost
Unless you really need the emotional release don't trash anything that you can sell or donate. Some charities take donations of jewelry so if you don't need the money yourself you can just give it to them. Perhaps one that benefits women leaving domestic violence or otherwise helps women developing themselves. Consider it paying it forward.
Glad that you are going to seek legal advice. That's a must.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Abby
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Re: Lost
I should add that with divorce and separation the spouse's bad behavior really has little to do with it. It is mostly about the division of assets so be try to keep your emotions in check and focus on establishing a stable financial base. You get one shot at this so you need to get it right.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- MJM017
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Re: Lost
It was a blessing for me to throw away items which brought me pain and bad luck. I felt they would bring the recipient the same if I donated to charity.
My late GIDXH was high conflict. He would call my attorney to set up phone meetings which he ghosted. He’d call them with basic questions a lot. He’d refuse to accept delivery of court forms from my atty (this is legal when sending by UPS or FedEx). The atty tried USPS next. GIDXH would put addressee unknown on the envelope. It was costly for me to pay my atty for these things. I believe he wanted me to explode in anger to make me look bad. I would have looked bad to the court if I did.
I deleted all social media accounts. I did BIFF (Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly) for emails I had to answer. (Most did not require responses.) I changed my phone number so he could not reach me. I changed my legal mailing address to a PO Box in a large city 50 miles away.
Abby has good suggestions. Behaving level-headed & acting calm towards the STBX is imperative from now on. You have custody of your daughter to consider as well. Use journaling & hit pillows to discharge anger. Never display it to STBX.
It might be a good idea to assess his personality realistically. You may not have to pull out all stops like I did. My GIDXH was violent & a probably had a Cluster B personality disorder.
(((Hugs)))
Last edited by MJM017 (January 4, 2020 6:39 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Rob
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Re: Lost
Sincere ehug and PM.
Do not think anything he is doing would phase a good divorce lawyer.
You can throw out anything you want. I wish I had the righteous anger to do it back then. Do not be surprised if he doesn't care. It's pomp and circumstance..these spouses trashed the marriage long ago when they chose over us.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7