Kel,

You bring up such a good point and it is one that I have continually swept under the rug: shame.  

I wasted so much time and energy in the recovery process due to shame and I think I may still carry a small change purse full of it way down at the bottom of my pocket book.

But the shame is not ours.  It is not our burden.  Kel is right.  His actions are not your actions. Do not let guilt, shame, fear, and embarrassment keep you stuck in a bad relationship.  

No one is walking in your shoes and no one is living your life.  You have done nothing wrong.  At the end of the day we all swing our own sword. Once you stand up for yourself it gets easier and easier to do.  My X never thought that I would stand up and walk out. He had me right where he wanted me and I was "going to have to live his life and get used to it".  Those were the final words that broke the camels back for me.  Live your life, not his. Break free of the madness.






 

Tired, my husband was not a cross-dresser or questioning his gender identity but I completely understand your exhaustion. I also had no sex and a separate bedroom for years. I even concluded that men of course are sexually attracted to men because, after all, I was. My self-esteem was zero and I did not know it.   

I realized yesterday that Caitlyn Jenner was not the only one who came out as a woman at age 60+. I did too in a way when post-separation I again started taking charge of my life and caring about looking and being feminine. Just because your husband has most of the closet space doesn't mean that you have to be the man of the family. 

When you are ready to break out be the woman that you want to be. Don't worry about what he does or looks like once you are legally free of him. There are men who are straight and aren't coveting your wardrobe but take your time and get comfortable with your new self first.

Many of us straights have invested years not knowing what was wrong. The marriage counseling sessions were a farce and another way for us to continue being duped. In some of my greatest moments of vulnerability and self-reflection, I tried to change myself and not look at my spouse's need to change. I compromised my reasonable expectations, and it enabled his bad behavior (detached, distant, sulky, angry, and secretive ways) even more. The counselors try to play fair, but you can't do that with a liar who holds the strategic advantage. Counseling was just another forum to dupe me further and to keep me running in the hamster wheel as he continued to hide the truth about himself. How dare he take such advantage of me emotionally, but that's the type of person he is in hiding his secrets; and I was chosen by him for who I am.

People hiding deep secrets often chose a spouse who looks for the best in others, who makes it a principle to give people the benefit of the doubt, and someone who loves so deeply that he/she cannot fathom that their spouse lies, never mind that he/she is a pathological liar!! Sure the closeted individual might initially fall in love with the straight spouse, but he/she realizes that we are not a cure for them. Instead the straight spouse becomes a disappointment to the closeted individual and eventually the straight is resented for his/her gender.

The risk of their "Hide But Don't Seek" game increases and the closeted spouse vacillates between either being silent and evasive or being a great story teller. By the way, most of them act as if they hate to travel. Yet, they love it! Most of them have jobs or opportunities that must include traveling (without us). Traveling with a straight spouse, though, puts them too close to their sexuality issues in marriage, so that must be avoided! The travel dilemma is just another factor in their closeted life. They travel for sacrifice! Believe it or not...or not no more!

One of the scariest things in the discovery of my deceptive spouse was walking away from what seemed like a wasted investment of years. I found, though, that there are gems that can eventually be found amongst the rubble. Many of us straights have had to take those few valued pieces of our lives and move forwards away from what is truly emotionally dangerous. It's an excruciatingly painful process, but it's a journey towards freedom out of a prison of lies.

Your husband communicated that he doesn't care about your feelings and that he's still going to do what he wants to do. You probably know only the tip of the iceberg about what's going on, and he seems ready to take you for a long ride being dragged behind (no pun intended). Is that what marriage should be or what your vows entailed?

As far as your kids go, they know something is off in your marital dynamics. They probably just can't figure out what is wrong nor do they want to. As much as we want to protect our kids, they are exposed to our marital dynamics even if it's the silent but piercing tension in the room...or the fact that their parents often don't sleep together. Yes, we can all laugh and enjoy family times, but  "it's" still there. The lies with their toxicity effects are still there.

I think you need to be emotionally safe and free from trying to figure out a relationship with a man who is obsessed with being a woman, something that you didn't sign up to support in your assumed heterosexual marriage. Yet, you need to make planned decisions, trusting your gut and the timing of starting something that always feels inopportune (at least initially). Truly your circumstance is tragic. I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us, but I'm glad you found us.

This doesn't need a therapist.  Let GO.  Let him do whatever he's going to do.  You've been trying to control it & you're spinning your wheels.

Get a lovely settlement.  Live YOUR life, stop living his.

Rob, I do know not all men are perverts and/or dishonest.  I am really sorry I said that.  The last thing I want to turn into is some man-hater.  I've had some bad luck with men but I do know there are good men out there in this world.  Thank you for being one of them, it gives me hope.