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1 of 1- broomhilda2
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I'm Stuck • Money • Legal, etc
I don't really know what I want to say right now, but know I need some help.
I have been distancing myself & detaching from my husband for about 2 months now (together for total of 28y, married 16y). I kicked him out of our room and have finally had my own space. I'm riding the roller coaster but mostly I am just... blank. I feel as though I can't handle one more stressor in my life or I may break and so I feel almost nothing.
When I think about what I want to happen in our situation, I know I want a divorce, BUT I live in Los Angeles and the housing market is bananas. Neither one of us can afford to rent on our own and it would break my heart to have to sell the house. I don't have much money of my own. I have a small business with 5 employees that barely turns a profit but it's rewarding, it's become a community staple, and it's *mine*. I also homeschool our son so I'm carrying quite a bit on my shoulders in addition to the mental burden of my marriage.
I've barely talked to my husband over the last 2 months. I'm glad he's giving me space.
This morning he asked if we could use some money that's been set aside for work on our house in order to go to counseling either together or separate. I told him I'd think about it but I know I don't want to use that money for counseling. I certainly will not go to "couples therapy" with him... I just don't want to rock the boat right now. I don't want to break. I haven't had much luck finding a counselor for myself so far mostly because the ones that sound like they might understand do not take insurance.
For those of you who have sought legal help or have been on the board long enough to see reoccurring legal posts... what are some common things I should be doing to prepare for divorce? What do I need to do so I have a more positive financial outcome? How do I keep the house? What about my insurance coverage? Have any of you divorced but stayed in the house a while to save money? If so, what was the outcome?
Thanks for listening.
- Rob
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Re: I'm Stuck • Money • Legal, etc
Well as preparation a lawyer would want to know your financial info so discretely gathering all your information is a good first step that can give you a sense of some control. A baby step.
I used to drive around looking at housing..even had a realtor..it was something to do to give me a sense of grounding in my crumbling world. I live in the family home now but at the time it gave me some inkling that I did not have to live in a cardboard box on the street as my gx wanted me to.
Also, and I have to say it, I thought I was stuck also.,as a problem solver I worried about everything. It's when I decided to stop trying to solve everything and put some things in the "not my problem" bucket that I began to see that it was all created by her but my trying to solve everything was not treating myself kindly. I was jumping on her bandwagon, abusing myself for a situation I did not cause.
Take baby steps..always forward. Stuck,is a strong word..youre exactly where you need to be on a journey out of a situation that he has caused..
Last edited by Rob (December 7, 2019 9:00 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- broomhilda2
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Re: I'm Stuck • Money • Legal, etc
"youre exactly where you need to be on a journey out of a situation that he has caused.."
Thanks for your response, Rob. It's good to hear that you were able to come out on the other side of feeling stuck.
I'm starting to think about the "not my problem" issues and it's getting easier to detach myself emotionally. We've barely talked to each other for 2 months & have a child in the middle of it, so I guess I'm feeling like the ball's in my court to make the next move. When I feel pressured & overwhelmed I have a hard time doing anything or making decisions. Some days I feel like if I were to give in to the stress I would drop to the floor & pass out.
I was able to get a list of all his financials yesterday. Since he asked if we could use house money for counseling I used that as an excuse to ask for financials. I told him it was so I could get a better picture as to why we had to use house money. Thankfully, he didn't question me and sent it all in an email. Part of me feels bad because I know he's trying to give me what I'm asking for so that we can work on repairing our relationship. He never cheated. He wants us to stay together. He also told me he doesn't know if he's bi or gay so not sure what sort of positive outcome he's expecting.
I'll try to focus more on what I am doing right for myself at this moment. Thanks.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: I'm Stuck • Money • Legal, etc
Just want to add - he has been keeping things from you all along, don't worry that now you are keeping something from him. As Rob says it is important to get a grip on the financial picture. You are the responsible adult here, you are the one who can be trusted and you are coming under a huge lot of stress, likely to increase before it gets better, ie when the details of the separation agreement have been accepted - so my advice is be generous to yourself, be kind to yourself at all times, don't second guess yourself, put your trust in your own wits, and take a rest at every opportunity.
- MJM017
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Re: I'm Stuck • Money • Legal, etc
Am in a large metro area of CA. The price of housing and many other essentials have gone up a lot. It’s expensive to divorce, but doable.
I was in a 20+ year marriage to a gay man. I wanted out after I realized I was a beard w/o my permission.
You are smart to detach and focus on the financials. That’s what I did.
It’s much cheaper & easier to divorce if it’s uncontested and you both agree & both sign a division of property. This includes health insurance & pensions, too. If this is your route, the state mandates your divorce will be final in 6 months.
The first hour of consultation with a family law attorney is free. Make sure to shop around for a good fit.
I googled CA family law in my spare time. This helped to keep my mind off the pain until the divorce came through.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I'm Stuck • Money • Legal, etc
Broomie,
I believe that Chump Lady has an excellent post about the legal aspects of divorce; it's worth looking at. Her blog also is quite informative on the tactics of narcissists.
I would say first and foremost protect the money you have saved, and don't deplete it on counseling. For one thing, your spouse may try to use the lack of money to keep you in the marriage. Mine wanted to take out a big loan to remodel our kitchen--as he never cared a whit about house repairs or remodeling I figured this was about tying me more tightly to the marriage by means of debt.
You should also order a credit report (everyone is entitled to one for free every year) to ensure your spouse has not had a secret spending habit or credit card for which you would liable.
Copy your financials and store them somewhere out of the house (with a relative or friend). Tax returns, pay stubs, bank statements, mortgage payments, retirement/investment accounts--anything that has to do with your financial situation.
Consult a lawyer, ASAP. And don't let your spouse know you're doing so. Play your cards close to your chest and act in stealth.