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    September 14, 2016 4:31 pm  #1

    CES
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    I did it again

    Last night my wife brought up, "would t it be nice if we had separate bedrooms so we coul do our own thing, and watch our own shows without bothering each other?" This made me insecure, and I searched through her email this morning because I just had a hunch. I found that she had signed up for zoosk, a dating website earlier this week. She posted brand new pics, woman seeking woman. I confronted her, and she flipped out saying it was nothing, she was just curious. Then she compared it to me watching porn (which I have rarely, I was feeling alone and it numbs the pain). She says that she hasn't talked to anyone on the site, so she hasn't done anything wrong. She's calling me a hipocrite, due to the porn. She refuses to apologize and is accusing me of sabotaging our marriage.

    I know what answers will come, guess I'm not really looking for advice, just getting it out of my system.

     

    September 14, 2016 5:02 pm  #2

    Steve
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    Re: I did it again

    Looking at porn and signing up to a dating site is NOT the same thing. Sheeesh!!  WT actual F?

    You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
     

    September 14, 2016 5:25 pm  #3

    WendiT
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    Re: I did it again

    Only one reason to be on a dating site.

    No reasons to be on a dating site if you are married.   

    Sounds like she would prefer that you are roommates, with you actually taking the role of a babysitter.  

    I am so sorry.

    "No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
     

    September 14, 2016 6:51 pm  #4

    Kel
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    Re: I did it again

    So.... she wouldn't have acted differently if she'd found YOU on a dating site vs. just looking at porn? She's lying.

    Kel

    You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
     

    September 14, 2016 9:05 pm  #5

    Rob
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    Re: I did it again

    We all know she is lying.  Its like a  4 year old's logic when getting caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

    Me lezex did this too when I confronted her with facts about any of her lies.  Threw back me changed the subject, said it was me etc.

    I found it really disturbing that I was supposed to buy this childish logic..she knew i wasn't stupid.

    Have strength ..believe her actions and move forward.

    "For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
     

    September 15, 2016 5:34 am  #6

    Judy
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    Re: I did it again

    The spin that goes with these revelations is choke worthy. Mine could spin something up in a heartbeat.  Who wants a life riddled with a liar whose existence is so false they have to lie about it all the time?

    That's what I couldn't take. The enormous lies! It's also what has caused my anger. 

     

    September 15, 2016 10:13 am  #7

    CES
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    Re: I did it again

    Thanks for the responses. I'm not sure how much my wife believes her own bullsh*t. She acts like she speaks a different language and is from a different dimension when I say something like, "signing up for a dating site shows intention that you wanted to get into contact with other women." She says, "I've been struggling with my sexuality, and I was curious. I was just looking around, I had no intention of contacting anyone." She doesn't (or at least she says she doesn't) understand why this would hurt me.

    One thing I know is I can't go through my day to day constantly obsessing over this stuff. I need to stop snooping through her stuff, it really only drives me crazy. I told her the only reason I keep doing it is I don't want to get caught by surprise. I'm really seeing things play out like so many others in this forum describe. 

       •Thread Starter
     

    September 15, 2016 3:02 pm  #8

    CES
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    Re: I did it again

    hopeful wrote:

    Hi CES, I've experienced a similar dating site shock.  After she came out to me I also found dating sites and porn.  I also confronted.  In my case she was just curious, just trying to figure things out.  She never did finish her profile or even contact anyone.  The porn viewing was because she has never been with a women before (I would rather her watch porn then have a real affair).   The irony, is that in a tit for tat moment I also signed up on the same dating site, but I finished my profile and even have a few offers which made me feel very "normal" again.  Maybe even happy.  I met a very nice divorced lady the other day.  We had coffee and shared our stories, there was no "spark", but perhaps a new friend.


     

    I get this. I don't think it would tactically (I feel sick even thinking of things in terms of "tactics"), but emotionally I do get it. I have went for YEARS of rejection and not having someone pursue me or interested in my needs/wants. So the part I get is this: yes it has only been fairly recently that my wife has more fully come out, but this has been brewing for years in our relationship. It would feel really good to relate to someone who feels the same sort of energy towards me that I feel towards them.

       •Thread Starter
     

    September 15, 2016 10:20 pm  #9

    Rob
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    Re: I did it again

    Yeah its hard ..the snooping..the distrust.  Don't spend too long snooping.. I think you know enough.  I found horrible stuff..the smoking gun.  Didn't help..just made me more sick and shake.  Always the shakes.  I'm just getting over the shakes.
    So when I'm alone I remind myself that it's better than be married to a gay cheater who would ignore me completely.

    "For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
     

     

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