OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- lauren1214
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support and guidance
My husband of 6 years (together 10) told me almost 2 months ago that he feels like a woman stuck in a mans body. To say it was a shock is an understatement. Since then, he has started dressing as a female at night. He goes back and forth between wanting to transition and not.
We have two young children together. I have explained to him that if he full transitions that it would lead us to get divorced..not because i hate him or dont love him, but because i am not a lesbian. i would fully support him in his choice and would never keep the kids away from him.
I dont mind hanging out with him at night (he doesnt wear makeup or hair). He keeps going back and forth and i feel like my future is in in limbo. i cant breath half the time and am always in constant state of panic. im always concerned with how he is feeling and try to be supportive in the best way that i can. He never asks how i am handling things or how I am feeling about everything. I am a stay at home mom (his choice) and he told me if I left he would cut off all support. I feel so lost and angry, but yet i love him so much. I am currently in therapy and have found a therapist for us a couple who specializes in LGBTQ families. He refuses to go with me or for himself.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: support and guidance
lauren1214 wrote:
My husband of 6 years (together 10) told me almost 2 months ago that he feels like a woman stuck in a mans body. To say it was a shock is an understatement. Since then, he has started dressing as a female at night. He goes back and forth between wanting to transition and not.
We have two young children together. I have explained to him that if he full transitions that it would lead us to get divorced..not because i hate him or dont love him, but because i am not a lesbian. i would fully support him in his choice and would never keep the kids away from him.
I dont mind hanging out with him at night (he doesnt wear makeup or hair). He keeps going back and forth and i feel like my future is in in limbo. i cant breath half the time and am always in constant state of panic. im always concerned with how he is feeling and try to be supportive in the best way that i can. He never asks how i am handling things or how I am feeling about everything. I am a stay at home mom (his choice) and he told me if I left he would cut off all support. I feel so lost and angry, but yet i love him so much. I am currently in therapy and have found a therapist for us a couple who specializes in LGBTQ families. He refuses to go with me or for himself.
"he told me if I left he would cut off all support" Get thee to a lawyer. He sounds selfish and all-about-himself.
There are women here whose husbands are putting them/have put them through what your husband is putting you through, and they can give you online support and advise you.
Hugs....Elle
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: support and guidance
I'm one of those women whose husband declared he was "a woman in a man's body." A person cannot be a woman stuck in a man's body. Your husband can be a man who wishes he were a woman. And that's what he is.
Your future is in limbo. One thing, however, is certain: your husband is a self centered person whose self centeredness is going to go through the roof. That he is threatening you to get you to stay says everything about his concern for you and your children.
You say you are always concerned about him and with how he is feeling. Please redirect your concern to yourself. You are the one who currently needs support, and you are NOT going to get it from him. He is concerned exclusively with himself. Please confide in a close friend or family member; being isolated with your husband as he pressures you and consumes all the air in the room is not good for your emotional health.
You are feeling squeezed and anxious, so please go to your doctor and tell the doctor what is happening. Ask for a referral to a therapist who can help you with your anxiety--perhaps one who is trained in trauma.
Please look at the thread in this Support thread called "I'm not sure where to go from here" by Tammy, as I posted a whole set of resources there.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 27, 2019 10:29 pm)
- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: support and guidance
They are very selfish. My husband started taking hormones in the summer of 2018 without even asking me first. He now has a bigger chest than I do. He supposedly doesnt want to have gender reassignmet surgery but he looks like a giant man woman. Six foot six, thin and has boobs. HE tells me all the time I am not leaving this house and neither is our child. He tells me if he even thinks I am going to see a lawyer he is removing the money from the account and not putting money in the account. I am part time also by his want when I had our daughter.
- Rob
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Re: support and guidance
They are very selfish. My husband started taking hormones in the summer of 2018 without even asking me first. He now has a bigger chest than I do. He supposedly doesnt want to have gender reassignmet surgery but he looks like a giant man woman. Six foot six, thin and has boobs. HE tells me all the time I am not leaving this house and neither is our child. He tells me if he even thinks I am going to see a lawyer he is removing the money from the account and not putting money in the account. I am part time also by his want when I had our daughter.
Go see a lawyer. Part of a divorce is listing all the accounts. A lawyer may advise you to take out half the money in the account. Do not leave your home..he can if he wants. He also cannot take your daughter away from you without a legal agreement. Do not listen to his threats.these spouses do not get to dictate how a divorce works..they are not gods.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- BFFof2
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Re: support and guidance
im always concerned with how he is feeling and try to be supportive in the best way that i can. He never asks how i am handling things or how I am feeling about everything. I am a stay at home mom (his choice) and he told me if I left he would cut off all support. I feel so lost and angry, but yet i love him so much. I am currently in therapy and have found a therapist for us a couple who specializes in LGBTQ families. He refuses to go with me or for himself.
I don't care what the issue is, this is coercion, and therefore abuse. 
I don't give a flying frick if your spouse is MTF or AARP, that type of attitude is NEVER acceptable, under any circumstances.
This is not your fault. The fact that you were TRYING to be supportive is so kind and generous on your part, but this person, whatever their gender, is selfish. as. hell.
- Carolagatti
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Re: support and guidance
I am fairly new to this group. I am a straight spouse of a closeted gay man. I always suspected it for years but recently he received a card in the mail that I opened because I thought it was junk mail, from another man he met online. The card was a love letter saying he wanted to have sex with my husband. I can’t love like this anymore. It is not fair to me. We have no children we have been married for 16 years. I found he has an app on his phone for gay older men. I would see all the gay website he would go to in the browser history. He refuses to admit he is gay. I asked him if there is anything that he needs to tell me and he said he has no secrets. This whole thing has been very frustrating for me. I don’t know what to do, I can’t sleep it just consumes my mind constantly. I don’t see this marriage working much longer. I just need some answers and advice on what to do.
- Daryl
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Hi Carol, you are correct, it's not fair to you and it seems there are secrets. Here's another concern that jumps out at me, strangers have your mailing address. This could put your own safety at risk, not to mention the possibility of medical issues you might be unknowingly exposed to. I would suggest you do some quiet research on your options. Things are different from country to country and even state to state so professional advice is always advisable. You may even be able to get a free up-front discussion before committing to any particular course of action. Knowledge is power.
Other things that might help - someone to talk to, counseling or at least a trusted sympathetic ear.
Here on the forum you can start your own thread and collect other members thoughts and suggestions.
Even see your doctor for advice on the sleeping issue. There's a pinned 1st aid kit post here on the forum with lots of helpful information. Not all of it may be applicable to you but I'm sure some of it will be.
Last edited by Daryl (December 3, 2019 9:04 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Julian_Stone
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Re: support and guidance
Hi Carol,
So sorry you are going through this. I second the suggestion of seeing a counselor. This is an incredibly isolating and painful experience (akin to grieving a death IMO...only worse because you’re constantly reminded of the betrayal.) Get a counselor for yourself (not a couples counselor!)...I’d be a bit wary of any professional who dabbles in sex therapy. Some tend to minimize the betrayal and infidelity (or overly empathize with the gay spouse), which is NOT what you need right now. Allow yourself to get angry, and use that powerful emotional to push yourself out of this awful situation.
Sending you strength, peace, and clarity in the days ahead.
Love,
J
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 4, 2019 9:11 am)
- Carolagatti
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I don’t have to worry about any STD’s because we never really had sex because he was never aroused by me. That should have been a red flag right away. And the gay porn, I hate it!! I’m still trying to navigate this forum. Thank you for your responses. I’m not sure how to reply to the messages. I figured it out!
Last edited by Carolagatti (December 4, 2019 11:16 am)